Gay Flag


It’s Gay Pride Week, or at least that’s what my dad told me. In honor of this momentous occasion the boys at CelebJihad have gone a little gay and compiled the following list of what celebrity dick tastes like!

 

Mike Myers Mike Myers’ dick tastes like it’s been fucking the same dead horse since 1997.
Pete Wentz and his stupid wife. Pete Wentz’s dick tastes like it wishes it was Tony Romo’s dick.
Tony Romo Tony Romo’s dick tastes like Joe Simpson’s breath mints.
Guy Richie and his grandma. Guy Richie’s dick tastes like buyer’s remorse and dusty sardines.
Bill Engvall Bill Engvall’s dick tasted so mind-numbing trite that I would’ve gladly taken it out of my mouth and replaced it with a loaded shotgun.
Tom Cruise Tom Cruise’s dick will taste like my ass if his lawyers find out I’ve implied it tastes like anything other than his beautiful wife’s vagina.
Randy Jackson Randy Jackson’s dick tastes like flop sweat and bacon.
George Carlin George Carlin’s dick tastes like 3 of the 7 words you can’t use on television…and formaldehyde.
Alan Greenspan I thought that Alan Greenspan’s dick tasted like pickled herring, but it may have been Barbara Walters.
R. Kelly R. Kelly’s dick tastes like our judicial system’s torn and bloodied asshole…and piss-covered Thin Mints.
J. Alexander J. Alexander’s dick…I’m not even going to bother with a joke. Just fucking look at him, for fuck’s sake. What the fuck, man? What the fuck?
Bill Clinton Bill Clinton’s dick tastes like a bitter, angry cunt. Just kidding! It hasn’t tasted like that since the night Chelsea was conceived. These days it tastes like various hotel maids and a certain Laker Girl who’d better know how to keep her mouth shut.
Barrack Obama Barrack Obama’s dick tastes completely overrated, but at least he has one (ZING!)! Besides, it was a nice change of pace from having George Bush’s dick in my ass.
D The Dalai Lama’s dick tastes like it’s been in some sort of gerbil nest.
Chris Hanson Chris Hanson’s dick tastes like cookies and lemonade.
Big Brown Big Brown’s dick tastes like it’s been in an ass. GET IT?!
Perez Hilton Perez Hilton’s dick tastes like it’s been in an ass. GET IT?!
Charlton Heston Charlton Heston’s dick tastes like his cold, dead hand.


Not a gay dude? Don’t feel left out! Lesbians can check out our Pulitzer-Prize winning article on celebrity vagina. Bisexual? Read both. Transgender? Go fuck yourself (ZING!)!


Gay Flag

lindsay lohan samantha ronson


According to friends close to the “actress”, Lindsay Lohan has fallen off the wagon yet again. Apparently her girlfriend/pusha Samantha Ronson has gotten poor Lindsay hooked on her stank puss. Lindsay is reportedly held up with Ronson at her Hollywood home. Sources report Lindsay hasn’t slept in days and just can’t stop lapping away at Ronson nasty stank puss. They fear for her health and state of mind.

Eating stank puss (also known on the street as dumpster diving, carpet cleaning, rotten oyster shucking, Rosie O’Donnelling) is a serious albeit not widely publicized problem in America. Every year thousands of unsuspecting girls fall victim to this dangerous addiction. Here are some warning signs to look for if you think someone you love may be hooked on the stank puss.

1) Bad grades
2) Smelly fingers
3) Reclusiveness
4) Bad breath
5) Greenish tongue

If you hear someone you care about talking about trying this or exhibiting some of the warning signs please seek help immediately.

sharon stone Hey Hulk how are you doing hun?
hulk hogan Not so good brother.
sharon stone Aww are you still upset about the negative PR you got for suggesting that the war veteran passenger in the car your speeding drunk driving son crashed putting him in a permanent vegetative state must of had bad karma?
hulk hogan Yeah that and the fact that all these years of taking my “vitamins” have left me with tiny mouse balls.
sharon stone Oh Hulk small potatoes just make the steak look bigger. And I think you were absolutely in the right in calling out that kid for having bad karma. I recently got in a bit of hot water myself when I suggested that the tens of thousands of “innocent” Chinese that were crushed to death in a earthquake had it coming because of all the bad karma from their government not allowing my friend the Dalai Lama to have his own country.
hulk hogan What! That’s ridiculous! Of course that was karma! How can the public give you shit for that? It’s almost like they’ve never seen My Name is Earl.
sharon stone I know! It’s a fantastic show and I’ve learned a lot from it. After seeing it I looked back over my life and realized what an important role karma has played in it.
hulk hogan How so?
sharon stone Well in high school I got in a bit of trouble when one of the guys I was fucking knocked me up. It was awful it made me gain all this weight. Those nine months were a living hell. Every time I went out drinking or tried to do some blow I’d get sick, or the baby would kick like crazy. Not to mention I didn’t have my period once during the pregnancy, so I’m pretty sure it was drinking my menstrual blood.
hulk hogan A vampire baby! I’ve heard about those.
sharon stone Yep but you know what Hulk? All that bad karma that little guy was building up came back and bit him in the ass when I gave birth and threw him in a dumpster.
hulk hogan KARMA!
sharon stone Big time! Hahaha!
hulk hogan You know my soon to be ex-wife Linda is suffering through some bad karma right now.
sharon stone Oh yeah?
hulk hogan Yeah brother. When I married her 20 years ago she was hot and thin, but throughout our marriage she’s gradually gotten uglier and fatter.
sharon stone Ought ohh that is not good for her karma.
hulk hogan Tell me about it. So I cheated on her a lot and karma got her good when she found out about it and filed for divorce.
sharon stone K-A-R-M-A!!!
hulk hogan Poor woman will never find another guy with 24 inch pythons.
sharon stone Oh Hulk all this karma talk is making me super wet. Want to fist my gaping stink hole?
hulk hogan You got it brother.

After many hours of grueling research in our lab we have determined what the following celebrity pussies taste like. If you make any discoveries of your own please feel free to include them in the comment section.

sigourney weaver Sigourney Weaver’s pussy tastes like coins.
lindsay lohan Lindsay Lohan’s pussy tastes like cigarettes and toast.
paris hilton Paris Hilton’s pussy tastes like the inside of a catcher’s mitt.
sarah jessica parker Sarah Jessica Parker’s pussy tastes like a hard-boiled egg.
miley cyrus Miley Cyrus’s pussy tastes like 5 to 10 in the state pen… and fresh strawberries.
rosie odonnell Rosie O’Donnell’s pussy tastes like a bulldog’s asshole.
reese witherspoon Reese Witherspoon’s pussy tastes like Christmas morning.
elizabeth taylor Elizabeth Taylor’s pussy tastes like sawdust and gorgonzola.
britney spears Britney Spears’s pussy tastes like placenta.
jessica alba Jessica Alba’s pussy tastes like sunflower seeds and disappointment.
angelina jolie Angelina Jolie’s pussy tastes like her brother.
jennifer love hewitt Jennifer Love Hewitt’s pussy tastes like apricots and sunshine.
jessica simpson Jessica Simpson’s pussy tastes like tuna… or is that chicken?
scarlett johansson Scarlett Johansson’s pussy tastes like applesauce and feet.
madonna Madonna’s pussy tastes like sulfur dioxide.
natalie portman Natalie Portman’s pussy tastes like humus and matza.
jodie foster Jodie Foster’s pussy tastes like 2 bears fucking in the woods.

joe simpson


After selling the photo rights to his daughter Ashlee’s unborn child and then leaking Ashlee and Pete Wentz’s secret wedding date to the press. Father / Super Manager Joe Simpson sent out a press release today announcing that Ashlee and Pete are going to be trying anal.

According to Joe, his daughter Ashlee has been hesitant to let Pete go to “brown town” for fear that it might be painful, but Pete is a “dedicated ass man” and finally convinced her (with a little help from Papa Joe) to give it the old college try.

Joe is being careful not to give away too many details about the event but he did have these words of encouragement for the newly weds.

“I’m proud and honored that Pete will be violently penetrating my little girl’s stink hole. I wish them the best and hope it is a backdoor banging of a lifetime. Just the thought of Pete’s thick meat pole entering my princess’s quivering booty hole causing her to yelp like a wounded dog makes my heart swell. Because in the end I just want to see my daughter happy.”

Joe is reportedly in talks with K-Y Jelly and Astroglide for sponsorship rights to the big “grand opening”.

Winehouse HIV


**World Exclusive**
**Must Credit CelebJihad.com**


Celeb Jihad can now confirm that the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, commonly known as HIV, has contracted Amy Winehouse.


Sources close to HIV say that the virus has been inconsolable since it received the diagnosis last Friday.


“This is something that you think only happens to other diseases: Gonorrhea, HPV, maybe Herpes,” the grief stricken virus said. “I just never thought it could happen to me.”


Although HIV has long been aware of the risks associated with exploiting human behaviors such as intravenous drug use and unprotected anal sex, nothing could have prepared it for the stigma associated with contracting Amy Winehouse.


“What am I going to tell my family?” said HIV. “I mean, Scott Weiland? Sure. George Michael? Absolutely! But Amy fucking Winehouse? Game over, man!”


There is no known cure for Amy Winehouse.

rob lowe


LOS ANGELES – Actor Rob Lowe is in trouble again for alleged misconduct with an employee. This time it’s the Lowe’s former gardener Manuel Sanchez who is filing suit.

The lawsuit, filed Thursday in Santa Barbara, Calif., says, ” Mista Lowe put his hando inside my el pantos and strummed my chalupa like a mariachi band” several times from about September 2005 to around January 2008. The suit also alleges the actor grabbed Sanchez’s behind without his consent in December 2007 while he was harvesting Lowe’s considerable lettuce crop.

Sanchez also says that Lowe repeatedly asked him to spank him with his rake, showed him hand drawn pornographic images of donkeys, and asked him to sing him Mexican love songs while he masturbated.

The former gardener claims he feared Lowe would “attempt to further sexually assault him,” but also says he thought conditions would get better.

Sanchez is suing Lowe for sexual assault and battery, sexual harassment, retaliation, unpaid off-the-clock work, overtime wages and unpaid meal periods and asking for damages in excess of $50 US.

**World Exclusive**
**Must Credit CelebJihad.com**


Danny Tanner at Celb JihadSan Francisco, CA – Danny Tanner, former co-host of the popular morning show Wake Up, San Francisco, has confessed to imprisoning his daughter in a cellar for 13 years and keeping her as a sex slave.


The daughter, Michelle Tanner, disappeared in June of 1995 at the age of 9, when, according to police, her father drugged her, lured her into the cellar and handcuffed her to a pole.


“We understand that Michelle was his favorite child because she was so pretty and reminded him of his wife Pam who had been killed by a drunk driver shortly after her birth,” said Detective Nick Hilbrich of the San Francisco Police Department.


“He didn’t want to lose his ‘princess’ when she turned 18 so he built the dungeon to keep her for himself forever.”


Police discovered the girl after receiving an anonymous phone call alerting them to a concealed network of tiny soundproofed chambers located beneath the Tanner household.


“We received a call from a man doing a really annoying Popeye, or maybe Bullwinkle impersonation,” said Hilbrich. We thought it was a prank so we kept hanging up on him, but he kept calling back and yelling ‘cut…it…out’. We traced the call to the Tanner residence and sent a car over to investigate.”


Upon arriving police were shocked to discover a reinforced concrete door hidden behind a shelf in the basement. It opened to a narrow passageway leading to three exceptionally clean rooms covering an area of approximately 650 sq ft.


“The rape chamber was small, but there was a kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom; it was like a full house.”


Added Hilbrich, “A full house of horrors.”


The daughter has been taken to an undisclosed location where she is receiving medical treatment for severe malnourishment and chemical withdrawal. A photo released by the police shows her haggard face and lanky thin hair – clear indications of the years of starvation and drug abuse inflicted upon her.


Tanner, who is thought to have begun molesting his daughter during a family vacation to Hawaii in 1989, was able to convince others that he had nothing to do with the disappearance despite repeatedly changing his explanation.


Tanner originally told authorities that Michelle had run off to be with her long-time love interest, Teddy. Teddy was taken into Teddy from full housecustody and questioned by police. Although he was quickly cleared of any wrong doing he was tragically stabbed and killed by a fellow inmate of the juvenile detention facility just hours before his scheduled release.


Tanner’s second explanation was that his daughter had wandered off after suffering a bout of amnesia. Because the girl had been diagnosed with amnesia after a horse-riding accident only one month earlier, authorities found the explanation to be “extremely plausible” and closed the case.


As the details continue to emerge friends and family members are expressing shock at what went on in the home.


Uncle JesseJesse Katsopolis, a brother-in-law and former tenant of Tanner’s who lived above the sex dungeon, told how he could have rescued the victim 13 years ago but dismissed the loud thumping sounds and anguished cries of “you got it dude” he heard coming from the pit of despair.


“I wish to God that I could turn back the clock,” a tormented Katsopolis confessed.


“The signs were all there but it was impossible for me to recognize them. The place was a mad house; at one point there were nine people living there! Kids were driving cars through walls, for Christ’s sake!”


Despite the chaotic situation at the Tanner household, Katsopolis says he feels tremendous guilt for not putting the pieces together.


“Who would ever believe something so terrible was going on right under my feet. This is one of the worst moments of my life, right up there with when the Ripper‘s kicked me out of my own band.”


Added Katsopolis: “Have Merrrrcy.”


However, others are claiming that their repeated warnings about Mr. Tanner’s behavior were ignored.


RebeccaTanner’s former co-host of Wake Up, San Francisco, Rebecca Donaldson-Katsopolis, who is married to Mr. Katsopolis, says there is no doubt in her mind that Tanner was mentality unbalanced.


“Danny was a control freak,” she said.


“I watched him use a mini-vacuum to clean his regular vacuum. I watched him use cleaning products to clean other cleaning products. He would always try to hug people, and referred to himself as a ‘lean mean hugging machine.’ What other evidence do you need? The guy was deranged, but some people were too busy worrying about their hair or obsessing over Elvis to notice.”


While friends and family attempt to cope, police are busy examining whether Tanner may have had other victims.


Kimmy GibblerIn October of 1995 the body of Kimmy Gibbler, 18, was found wrapped in two green plastic covers in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park. The victim’s feet had been scrubbed to the bone with a cleaning brush and various household chemicals. She was believed to have been raped.


Police are investigating whether or not Tanner may have known Gibbler, who attended the same school as his two older daughters, Stephanie and D.J.


Both daughters refused to comment for this article. How rude.

gary coleman


Here is a hot tip from Joey Del Vecchio Hoboken, NJAy how you guys doin? I was driving down the Jersey turnpike the other day and I stopped at one of those fuckin rest stops to use the little girls room, ayyy.

So I walk into the stall and who do I see floating in the bowl but Gary fuckin Coleman!

So I says
“Ay Gary how you doin?”

And that fuckin guy doesn’t even acknowledge me.

So I’m like
“Ay what am I fuckin invisible here? “
“You think you’re too much of a big shot to talk me? “
“With your fuckin fancy Hollywood toilet paper outfit there.”

No response. He just floated there acting like he didn’t hear me. I swear to fuckin God I almost lost it on that fuckin guy and charged the bowl.

Oh and PS he stunk like shit.

We’re hearing that Fox executives are close to finalizing a deal with John Mark Karr to have him host a new game show. You may remember that John Mark Karr made headlines 2 years ago as the loveable prankster who pretended to be the killer of JonBenet Ramsey.

The new show will allow Karr to showcase his hosting skills. It is tentatively titled “Are You Hotter Than A 5th Grader”. Contestants will compete in a beauty pageant against 5th graders to determine if they are indeed hotter than a 5th grader. Karr claims that this will be the most challenging game show on TV, and that he doesn’t believe anyone over the age of 12 could possibly win.

hotter 5th grader
 
 

george clooney


According to a source close to the situation, Hollywood stud muffin George Clooney has contracted a nasty case of “stink balls”. Our source describes their pungent smell as “similar to brie rotting on a big pile of flamingo vomit”. No commit yet from the Clooney camp.