Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.
Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.
I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.
CelebJihad has just received these exclusive Twilight Eclipse promotional photos, and we could not wait to share them with our fellow “Twihards”. Since no one has seen the movie yet, and I am probably the biggest Twihard in the world I will be providing captions for each photo describing what is going on in the scene pictured.
Edward and his friends practice backyard wrestling with the hope of one day making it big in the WWE.
Edward hesitates when going for 2nd base with Bella because he is afraid that Jacob’s wolf pack may have run a train on her and she may give him vampire AIDS
Luckily for Edward an awkward situation is avoided when he nuts in his pants before they can go any further.
Edward’s Uncle Lenny, who was spying on the young couple while masturbating in the closet, looks on with disapproval at his nephew’s piss poor sexual performance.
A new girl moves to town with her bad ass biker boyfriend, and the bodies of pasty teenagers start turning up in various dumpsters.
Bella and Edward get cast to shoot a commercial for a feminine hygiene product in the town’s flower patch.
In the commercial’s closing scene Bella tells Edward that if he is good he can have her tampon for dinner when she is done with it.
The Twilight gang tackles addiction as their longtime friend Moses gets hooked on eating meth.
In the films climax Edward finds out he has an autistic brother who he takes on a road trip to Vegas to count cards at the blackjack tables.
Democratic Representative and Twilight star John Murtha died on Monday at the age of 77, according to media reports. He had been suffering complications after a gallbladder surgery.
A retired Marine and a vociferous critic of the Iraq War, Murtha was set to appear in this year’s Twilight sequel, Twilight: Eclipse. He was cast as Tyrone Cullen, a jive-talking vampire from Brooklyn who teaches his vampire grandson Edward (Robert Pattinson) how to dance for the big vampire talent show.
A memorial service will be held this Friday.
Team Edward was dealt a tremendous blow today as starting left tackle Laquisha Adams had to be helped off the practice field with what looked like a groin injury.
The offensive line was performing blocking drills when Laquisha fell to the ground riving in pain and clutching her “special spot”. Team doctors don’t know the extent of the injury yet because they are waiting on a special piece of equipment needed to examine a crotchal region of this size to be flown in from Denver.
With Laquisha Adams out Vegas odds have overwhelmingly swung in Team Jacobs favor. As one analyst put it “You just can’t replace a Laquisha Adams. Left tackle is one of the most important positions on any team that supports a fictional character, because it blocks the quarterbacks blind side.”
Team Edward were looking at signing NFL left tackle Michael Oher to come in and replace Laquisha, but Michael was quick to squash any hope of Team Edward signing him by releasing this statement,
“Why the f*ck would I come play for them? My movie “Blind Side” is the #1 movie in the country right now. Suck on that Twihards!”
Well it is getting to be that time of year again when Christians run out and spend money to celebrate the birth of their Jew God. Personally I don’t understand it. If your savior is a Jew shouldn’t you be honoring him by opening up savings accounts and clipping coupons?
Anyway a lot of people know someone on their Christmas list who has come down with a case of “The Twilight”, so we here at Celeb Jihad have compiled a list of the top 10 gifts that Twihards are sure to love.
#10 – Twilight Bed Sheets
Twilight bed sheets make an excellent gift. They have a thread count of 50 and the ink used to print the pictures of Edward is only mildly toxic. Statistics show that Twilight fans are losers and spend most of their time in bed dreaming about the books, making this a gift they are sure to love for years to come.
#9 – Jacob Cross Stitch
Most Twilight fans are homebodies who shun the light and the outside world. So what better way to have them pass their time than a shirtless Jacob cross stitch. They can spend hours cross stitching the abs of this teen boy, whilst day dreaming about him and his “wolf pack” running a train on them.
#8 – Twilight Contacts
Now Twilight fans can look as non threatening and silly as the characters in the movie with these Twilight contacts.
#7 – Edward Shower Curtain
Edward’s stern gaze is the perfect compliment for any shower. Feel Edward’s cold eyes on your body as you undress and shower. He’s watching and it doesn’t look like he likes what he sees.
#6 – Twilight Bra
The Twilight bra is black (of course) and comes with a crest of a vampire family. What better way for Twilight fans to convey their complete lack of sanity when a guy is trying to get to second base?
#5 – Twilight Panties
This is the perfect gift for the younger Twihards on your list. Imagine their excitement when they put on these panties with Edward’s face on the crotch! The manufacturers Pedo Outfitters Limited conveniently printed Edwards lips on the inside of the panties as well. I find it comforting to know that a picture of Edward’s lips is nestled right up to young girl’s hoo-hoos.
#4 – Twilight Cook Book
The unofficial Twilight Cook Book has recipes for such fine cuisine as “Bella’s Lasagna” and “Harry’s Famous Fish Fry”. All recipes are for single servings because Twihards usually dine alone due to the fact that they are insufferable bores.
#3 – Edward Dildo
For the more adventurous Twihards on your list we present the Edward dildo. Yes you read that right, this moderately sized penis actually sparkles! We suggest throwing it in the freezer for a few hours before jamming it in your anal cavity for the most authentic Edward banging experience (Edward is a ass man).
#2 – Vampire Fleshlight
What do most male Twihards think about when they think blowjob? That’s right large teeth grating their penis. Now they can have that authentic vampire blowjob experience with the vampire fleshlight. With each painful thrust the teeth on this fine product rips off a layer of penial skin for added pleasure.
#1 – Twilight Heroin
With the US occupation of Afghanistan the country’s heroin production has increased nearly 12 times, making heroin cheap and plentiful and our top holiday gift idea. With the majority of Twihards being tremendously unbalanced and disturbed individuals they are already on tons of expensive anti-depressants. In many cases heroin is cheaper and much more effective at treating depression then anything from a whimpy pharmacy. Plus Twihards are going to need something to take their minds off the fact that in real life they will never find true love, and/or anyone that can stand them for an extended period of time.
A young actress named Kristen Stewart is about to take Hollywood by storm. She is currently staring in some indie flick called “Twilight”, but she has a big project in the works.
The movie is called “Welcome to The Rileys”. As you can see from the promo pictures below. Kristen plays a meth head who sucks off truckers in the bathroom for money to score her next fix.
That is just the type of role that a little guy named “Oscar” might enjoy. Of course I’m talking about Oscar Martinez the janitor here at the assisted living center I’m incarcerated at… that guy is into some sick sh*t!
Here are the promo pics of Kristen Stewart from “Welcome to The Rileys”, and as a weekend bonus I’ve also included the promo pics of Kristen from some movie called “The Yellow Handkerchief”.
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Fresh off the success of Twilight: New Moon’s box office success, Taylor Lautner did not mince words when describing the film franchise as “bigger than Jesus” and “1000 times cooler than some pesky Jew god in the sky.”
“Twilight: New Moon is like the crucifixion and the resurrection all rolled into one,” said Lautner. “Jesus Christ ain’t got nothing on this movie.”
Lautner, who went on to call the pope a “wack-ass Nazi bitch,” also suggested that teenage fans of the film should stop going to church.
Added Lautner, “Church is for losers; our fans should all worship vampires and shit.”
