Barring an act of Allah or a presidential pardon, Lindsay Lohan is headed for prison. While the “big house” is no place for a lovely young girl like Lindsay, the following tips will help her get through unscathed (and unshived).
1. Prison blow is weak. Make sure to pack your orifices tight with that sweet pure Bogota white before you’re incarcerated.2. On your first day in prison, find the biggest, baddest girl in the place and eat her out. That will teach the other inmates not to f*ck with you.
3. Prison is a lot like Freaky Friday in the sense that you’ll spend a lot of time with women like Jaimie Lee Curtis inside you.
4. Fighting boredom is key. Keep yourself busy by lifting weights or learning to read.
5. When in the shower, be sure not to drop your exfoliator or shea butter hair mask. Prison shower floors are filthy!
6. If a prison guard comes on to you, it’s best to do what he wants. You never know, he could have a cousin who is a bouncer at a hot club, or something.
7. If someone comes after you, fall back on your acting chops. While using your expert British accent, explain to your attacker that you’re actually “Lindsay’s long-lost twin sister from England.”
8. Although only one letter apart, the words “snatch” and “snitch” have very different meanings in the Pen. One will save your life, and the other will get you killed.9. In prison, Herbie the Love Bug isn’t a cute Disney character, but rather the nickname for an aggressive strain of crabs that can survive an entire can of Raid.
10. If someone yells “Cut!” in prison, it’s not the end of the scene, but rather the beginning of the action. Act accordingly.
11. Upon your release, adjusting to life on the outside may prove difficult. I recommend a strict regiment of alcohol and prescription drugs to help you cope.
Puberty is a difficult time for most teens. Acne, cracked voices, and strange new feelings can make life extremely awkward. But at the end of the day, puberty is simply your body’s way of growing from a child to an adult. Besides, it happens to everyone….even teen heartthrob Justin Bieber!
That’s right, even Justin faces the challenges associated with puberty. And he wants to let all his fans know that if he can get through it, so can you. That’s why Justin sat down with us to share his wisdom on the subject! So, without further ado, here are Justin Bieber’s tips for surviving puberty.
1. Your balls are gonna grow all big and shit, so make sure to buy yourself some bigger drawers, yo.2. Your pits are gonna stink like my manager’s finger after one of our “coaching sessions.” So be sure to get some Axe for your pits.
3. If you start having a wet dream, ride that shit out. I had a wet dream with Usher in it and it was fantastic!
4. When dating a girl, the urge to explore her body is perfectly natural. I recommend using a hunting knife for exploring those hard to reach places, like the spleen.
5. It’s not a good idea to squeeze or pick at pimples. This practice only makes the acne worse. Try willing them away with the healing power of Kabalah.
6. Sometimes, for no reason, your penis will get hard. Just think about girls and it will go away.
7. During puberty, it’s important to develop your own look. Keep up with the latest fashions and hairstyles by checking magazines like Cosmo and Ranger Rick.
8. Girls who are on their periods should stay within an airtight container for the duration of their
menstruation. Vampires can smell that shit a mile away.9. A girl’s breasts will begin to develop generally between the ages of 8 and 11, so make sure to tap that ass before then. Titties be gross.
10. It’s completely normal to have homosexual thoughts during puberty…at least that’s what Nick Jonas told me during that unforgettable night in Orlando.
