Tila Tequila has inherited a lifetime supply of KY Jelly from her deceased fiancee Casey Johnson, the former heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune.

According to the will, Casey wanted to leave Tila a Johnson & Johnson product she could use. Other Johnson & Johnson products that were willed to Tila include a five-year supply of Levaquin, a drug used to treat urinary tract infections, as well as a three year supply of PREZISTA®, which can be used to treat her inevitable case of HIV.

Check out Tila Tequila’s Dating Tips!

Tila Tequila took time off from dressing and acting like a tremendous whore to meet with the district attorney about her assault charge against Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman.

Tila showed off her bruised arms to the media, and shouted “if you think this is black and blue you should see what he did to my vag!”

Further damaging Merriman’s case is a supposed text he sent to a friend the next day stating “Last night was off the hook. I was slamming Tequila all night long!”

Tila Tequila, star of MTV’s “Shot at Love” and the 1996 blockbuster Independence Day, had her boyfriend Chargers linebacker Shawne “Roid Monkey” Merriman arrested over an altercation they had at his home this weekend.

According to Tila, the couple were arguing, then Shawne started choking her and refused to let her leave his house.

Shawne Merriman admits he did choke her but that was only because he heard she enjoyed “deep throating” and was confused about what the term meant. Also he says Tila was drunk and he did not think it was safe for her to drive, so he only restrained her to keep her from injuring herself or others.

Tila Tequila responded on Twitter today saying, “I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila ‘Tequila’ cuz the irony. I cant drink.”

I believe Tila. Of course her nickname is “Tequila” because she does not drink. She’s like my paraplegic friend “Walkie”, or that blind guy who runs a fruit stand by the freeway who I affectionately refer to as “Hawkeyes”.

• Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.
• Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.
• Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.
• Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.
• If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.
• Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!
• Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.
• Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.
• Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your cock before she’s ready to.
• No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.
• Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”? He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?
• Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.
• Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.
• If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.
• My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing department tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.
• Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.

Special thanks to all of the CelebJihad.com writers.