Lock up your whores Tiger Woods is going to be released from sex rehab later today. Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren is already in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick him up.

After completely 3 months of sex rehab were he constantly talked about his deepest darkest sexual urges but was not allowed to act on them Tiger is back on the prowl. I fully expect him to either hit up South Beach or Las Vegas, and bang the first big breasted white trash woman he sees so damn hard her uterus drops out of her vag.

Of course he has learned from his past mistakes and will use protection, and by protection I mean making the whores sign legally binding confidentiality agreements before he violently penetrates them.

I think Tiger’s wife Elin has come to accept that a Tiger can’t change his stripes, and she feels she has succfiently saved what little pride she has by beating his ass on Thanksgiving then making him complete sex rehab. She will now assume the possition of Tiger Woods’ “bottom bitch” and be damn well grateful for the opportunity.

Look closely at the creature in the picture above. No that is not Big Foot, it is famed golfer and adulterer Tiger Woods, and it is the first picture taken of him since his 2:30am car crash on November 28th.

The whereabouts of Tiger have been speculated upon since the accident. He was reportedly spotted everywhere from Sweden to Africa, but it turns out Tiger has been hiding in a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

I know what you are thinking “why would they put a sex rehab in Hattiesburg, Mississippi everyone knows that place is just crawling with slutty hot young poontang”, but the facility is apparently very good at what they do. They help sex addicts beat their addiction by slowly stroking them off sex. Rest assured Tiger Woods is in good hands.

Tiger Woods lost another major sponsor today when General Motors announced they were cutting ties with the golfer and serial adulterer. GM is just the latest in a long line of major companies that have dropped Woods in the past month joining Gillette, Tag Heuer, Gatorade, Accenture and AT&T.

However, the news is not all bad for Tiger. Celeb Jihad has learned that Tiger has just signed on with a major drug company to release his own brand of impotency medication to be called “Tiagra”. They have already released their first AD featuring Tiger with the slogan “Because Sometimes 18 Holes Aren’t Enough”.

Tiagra is said to be more powerful then anything on the market today. According to literature released by the company, “Tiagra will make you so God damn hard and horny you’ll be able to f*ck a mountain.” No word yet if a prescription will be required.

According to one time Playboy model and alleged Tiger Woods’ mistress Loredana Jolie, Tiger had sex with other men in front of her. Loredana says she is planning to tell all about how she and Tiger “came about, his healthy appetite for arranged sex, threesomes, girls next door, girl-girl, and an answer to all the rumors surrounding Woods’ sexuality.”

No word yet if Tiger’s alleged male mistresses were white with blonde hair and big breasts. However, my friend from Boston assures me that Tiger was most likely doing his good friend Derek Jeter because “Jeter is a homo”.

If there is one thing that we can take away from this latest development it is that if you are a famous married guy and you want to cheat on your wife do it with a man! Notice how no guys have come forward seeking fame for having been banged by Tiger. That’s because guys know how to keep their damn mouth’s shut.

Tiger Woods and his estranged wife Elin Nordegren have been cast in a new movie. The film which is scheduled to begin shooting in February is a sequel to the popular “Broke Back Mountain” franchise tentatively titled “Broke Black Golfer”.

In the movie Tiger will play a cowboy golfer with a penchant for whores… lots of whores. Elin will play his cowgirl wife who is stuck at the ranch watching the little ones as Tiger goes out on his late night “roundups”.

The movie’s climax comes when a group of bandits storm the ranch while Tiger is in town fingering a bar maid. Elin fights them off with her trusty 9-iron. When Tiger returns home stinking of cigarettes and Astroglide Elin has finally had enough and she smashes Tiger’s face with a 3-wood. The movie ends with Elin divorcing Tiger and getting a 300 million dollar settlement. It’s a real tearjerker.

The new issue of Vanity Fair will feature a topless Tiger Woods trying to do his best impression of a black man (lifting weights while wearing a skullcap).

I always just assumed Tiger Woods was getting all these women because he was rich and famous, but boy was I wrong. Tiger has some major sex appeal. There is not a woman alive who does not get extremely turned on at the sight of hairy purple nipples. I mean look at those things. They look like a black lamb’s asshole. How erotic is that?

All you women who have viewed this photo of Tiger Woods, and feel an overwhelming urge to pleasure yourselves furiously please leave our website. This is an Allah fearing Muslim site, and we don’t want any disgusting feminine orgasms mocking it up!

The New Year is a time for reflection, and we here at Celeb Jihad have a saying “Durka durka Muhammad tuck tuck jihad Allah” which loosely translates to “The only good celebrity is a dead celebrity”.

So let us take a moment to reflect on the top 5 celebrity deaths of 2009. Allah willing 2010 will be another banner year for celeb mortality rates.

	#5 Brittany Murphy – The most recent celebrity death, Brittany Murphy starts off our list at #5. Bug-eyed and at least slightly psychotic Brittany Murphy would be more likely to get pepper sprayed than a friendly smile while walking down the street if she was not famous. However, because people have seen her in a few movies she was perceived as “quirky” and “cool”. Hopefully those fans of her’s act just as “quirky” as she did by overdosing in the shower post haste.
	#4 DJ AM – First off the man was a DJ. He made insane amounts of money for putting his iPod on shuffle in clubs. If you don’t want to jump up and celebrate when someone like that dies than there is something seriously wrong with you. The media ignored the glaring hypocrisy of this douchebag. He was shooting a show for MTV were he chastised kid’s for not being strong like him and quitting drugs, before going back to his hotel room and overdosing on them. What an ass!
	#3 David Carradine – What is not to like about a celebrity death that involves a rope that is tied around the neck and genitals for autoerotic asphyxiation in a whore house in Thailand? David Carradine probably had the most embarrassing celebrity death of 2009. If only it had been someone more famous who died with a rope around their wiener like a Tom Cruise, George Clooney, or Rosie O’Donnell then it would have been tops on our list for sure.
	#2 Tiger Woods – OK so Tiger Woods didn’t actually die this year, but his endorsement career pretty much did. And a more glorious death we have not seen in years (mainly because of all the whores). The fact that nerdy white guys absolutely worshiped Tiger because they thought he represented a hip classly minority version of themselves is funny enough. However, then to have their idol completely exposed as a relentless poon hound who has stuck it in everything from porn stars to Waffle House hostesses is down right hilarious. So much for Tiger being the epitome of a colored with class for you WASPs to worship. Don’t worry you still have Colin Powell.
	#1 Michael Jackson – Was there really any doubt who the #1 celebrity death of 2009 would be. Michael Jackson the “King of Pop” became the “King of Death” in 2009. The intrigue around his death (whether he was murdered or not) never really interested me, beyond whether I should send a gift basket to his killer. No what made this death so great was the coming out party of all the Michael Jackson fans. What a reflection on Western culture to see the masses in hysterics over the death of a high-pitched child molester. Sure Michael had a couple catchy songs, but that was back in the 80′s. The man had spent the last 20 years trying to look like a child while fingering them, but the public reaction was like Muhammad himself had met his maker. If that isn’t a sign that Western society is doomed I don’t know what is.