Chuck Lambert, father of “American Idol” runner up Adam Lambert, is not looking forward to Thanksgiving. Sources close to Chuck, a retired union electrician, say that Adam’s recent performance at the American Music Awards has sent him into a tailspin.
“Ya see that guy on T.V. prancing around like Elton John and making out with other dudes?” said Chuck as he took another swig of his Seagram’s VO Canadian Whiskey. “Yep, that’s my boy!”
With each passing day Chuck seems to grow more and more worried about the upcoming holiday, a fear that is further exacerbated by the constant taunts he receives about Adam from his fellow electricians.
“I mean, what the hell are we going to talk about during dinner?” Chuck said. “Son, I saw you on TV last week at that award show shoving some dude’s face into your cock and balls. That looked like fun, tell me about it. Jesus Christ, what did I do to deserve this?”
Added Chuck, “Why couldn’t he just be one of those normal queers like Tom Brady.”
Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and “give thanks” for our many blessings. We asked several of today’s hottest celebrities what they were thankful for….
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Britney Spears is thankful for her two wonderful children…and Roe v. Wade…in no particular order. |
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Guy Ritchie is thankful to be over his debilitating eight-year case of dry twat. |
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Perez Hilton is thankful for Paris Hilton, a generation of celebrity-obsessed retards, and assless chaps. |
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Oscar the Grouch – “I’m thankful that Jim Henson is still dead.” |
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Kirk Cameron – “I’m thankful that my role of Mike Seaver in Growing Pains allows me to spread the word of God to lost souls watching A&E at 4:00 am. I’m also thankful that so many of those lost souls have bought my book, Still Growing, in stores now.” |
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Twilight star Robert Patterson is thankful that teenaged girls are so god damn stupid. |
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Dr. Phil is thankful that middle aged women are so god damn stupid. |
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Leonard Nemoy – “I’m thankful that JJ Abrams found a way to bring my only chance of working back from the dead…again. Not even Jesus of Nazareth has topped that.” (Writer’s Commentary – “That’s my fave because I took a shot at Spock and Jesus.”) |
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Gary Busey – “I’m thankful that the recent economic downturn hasn’t affected the quality or quantity of delicious honey produced by my ant farm.” |
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Richard Gere is thankful that everyone forgot about “the whole gerbil thing.” We didn’t. |
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Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is thankful that Biggie Smalls took those potentially embarrassing rumors about bedwetting to the grave. |
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Rosie O’Donnell is thankful to live in a culture where being an ignorant loud-mouthed muff diver gets you on television rather than stoned to death in the town square. |
