For the first time in 50 years Ricky Martin made headlines yesterday with the announcement that he is a “gay”. Nice try Mr Martin but I think I’d know a gay man when I see one and you sir are no gay.
First off you are far too muscly to be a gay. Gays are scrawny, feminine, and limp wristed lady boys. Next your lyrics are overtly heterosexual. I believe the lyrics to your famous hit go “she bangs” not “he dresses very nicely and dabs his delicate mouth with a silk handkerchief”. Finally, you have a tattoo of a naked woman on your shoulder for Christ’s sake!
Why would Ricky Martin pretend to be gay you ask? For many reasons! The most obvious one is to revive his long dead career. Gay is so in right now, it is like the new black. Also now that Ricky Martin is pretending to be gay he can stay a bachelor, and not be forced into the oppressive institution of marriage by the elders of his clan. Finally, now that he is a gay Ricky gets to use the lady’s change room and see tons of boobies.
Shame on you Ricky Martin for pretending to be gay. There are actual celebrities out there that are homosexual like Nick Jonas, and they don’t need you trying to steal their thunder.
We here at Celeb Jihad have received a lot of flack from smart mouthed teen girls with low self-esteem and even lower spelling skills, ever since we suggested that singer, actor, and all around fancy boy Joe Jonas might be gay or at the very least play for both teams.
Well as if to say “hey you nasty boys at Celeb Jihad I am soooo straight and love women parts” Joe Jonas squeezed into some short shorts and went on a man-date to go buy smoothies.
It takes a big man to admit when you are wrong, so let me be the first to apologize to Joe Jonas and his fans for ever suggesting he was a gay. I now see how awesomely straight he is, and am convinced that after him and his male companion finished off their smoothies they went and sexed a boat load of women. There is no way in hell that they went back to Joe’s place and had a tickle fight, blew each other, then fed each other fresh strawberries out on the lanai.
