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Justin Bieber’s Gross “Finger Sniffing” Habit

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:10:19 +0000

Teen singing sensation Justin Bieber won’t stop sniffing her fingers.

According to a source close to the star, Bieber is constantly smelling her fingers throughout the day for no apparent reason. When confronted about the disgusting behavior, Bieber will get defensive and claim that she is simply making the “peace” sign. If pushed on the subject, Bieber will run out of the room and begin to cry.

“It’s a compulsion,” said the source who we met at the Costco concession stand in Oxnard, California. “Justin will just sit there all day sniffing her fingers and giggling to herself. I’m not sure what they smell like, but it’s pretty gross.”

Now, first of all, let’s not jump to conclusions about where those fingers have been. Sure, they could have been scratching Bieber’s anus only moments before, but at the same time, they could be freshly washed, and Justin could simply be enjoying the clean scent of Purell.

Second, it’s perfectly normal for children to go through a “finger smelling” phase. As a boy, I would routinely sniff my fingers after running them through a camel’s hair. Even in my late teens, I would find myself sniffing my fingers after handling skarn rocks during the stoning of adulterous women in our village. But I grew out of it, and so will Justin.

Everyone is so quick to jump on the celebrity-bashing bandwagon that they lose sight of the fact that Justin is just a child. Being so popular at such a young age must be like living in a fishbowl.

We should all step back and remember that in a few short years, Bieber’s fresh young face will be hidden by a burqa and she will be married to a prominent clansman. For now, let’s just let the kid be a kid.

“Pants on the Ground” Singer Found Dead

Jimmy Jihad — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:07:39 +0000

(Left) Police examine the crime scene. (Right) Larry Platt on American Idol.

“Pants on the Ground” singer and “American Idol” sensation Larry Platt was found dead last night outside a convenience store in downtown Atlanta. According to witnesses at the store, Platt was beaten to death by a group of young men who were loitering in the store’s parking lot.

“There were six or seven gang bangers in baggy pants hanging out in the parking lot, and this old guy walked up to them and started singing and dancing,” said Marcus Lee, the store’s owner. “When he got to the second verse, they started beating on him.”

“I called the police, but by the time they arrived you couldn’t even recognize his face because of all the blood.”

A memorial for Platt is planned for this Saturday.

Justin Bieber Tortures Rats with a Hacksaw

Jimmy Jihad — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 12:56:02 +0000

Teen sensation Justin Bieber may be taking the music world by storm, but there’s something he’d rather be doing: torturing rats with a hacksaw. According to a source close to Bieber, the Canadian R&B singer spends most of his down time in his parents’ basement carving rodents to shreds and pulling apart insects.

“When he’s not on tour or in the studio, Justin heads straight for the basement,” said the source who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation. “The kid is not happy unless he’s making some helpless rat scream in pain or pulling the wings off of flies.”

The source, who we met in line at the El Pollo Loco in Oxnard, California, also fears that Bieber may direct his sadistic tendencies toward a human target.

“These sickos start with animals, but they move on,” said the source. “If this keeps up, there’s going to be ‘One Less Lonely Girl’ walking the streets.”

Lady Gaga’s ‘Crotch Spider’ Outbreak

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:10:55 +0000

Lady Gaga has contracted an embarrassing case of Crotch Spiders.

Last night while at a benefit in Ottawa supporting NHL hockey players with HIV, the singer had to cut short her performance as the tiny spiders began crawling out of her vagina at an alarming rate, covering her body with menstrual blood in the process.

“For most of the month the spiders are content to stay within the confines of her vagina,” said Doctor Cory Wouters, an expert on Crotch Spiders. “But when there is a heavy menstrual flow, the poor little guys have no where else to go.”

Added Wouters, “The lucky ones made it to her mouth.”

Wouters added that the spider’s large egg-sacks could easily be mistaken for testicles, which could explain the rumors surrounding Lady Gaga having male sex organs.”

“That, or she could just be some sort of creepy he-she tranny thing,” Dr. Wouters said.

Jennifer Hudson Ruins Her Vagina

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:55:07 +0000

Jennifer Hudson

Singer and actress Jennifer Hudson has ruined her vagina by giving birth to her first child, her publicist has announced.

While Hudson is distracted by the arrival of the “beautiful and perfect baby boy,” fiancé, David Otunga, was said to be “grief-stricken” about the destruction of his mate’s previously-tight va-jay-jay.

“You always think of this as something that happens to some other woman’s vagina,” said Otunga as he placed a stuffed animal at a makeshift memorial beside Hudson’s mangled labia. “You never think about your own woman’s vagina being stretched beyond all comprehension.”

Added Otunga, “And now I can’t even look at roast beef sandwiches anymore, which really sucks because I liked those as well.”

A memorial service for Hudson’s vagina will be held on Friday.