Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson (pictured above) went on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” today, and shared some controversial thoughts as to why the earthquake struck Haiti:
“And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it.
“They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.
“They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’
“True story.
“And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’
“And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free, but ever since they have been cursed”
Despite his rapid aging Robert Pattinson is finally starting to think with a clear head, and understand how the greatness that is Allah works. Allah is a vengeful God. If there is one thing he hates (besides American freedom) it is Haitians. Allah will not rest until every Haitian on earth suffers a horrible death. Praise be to his name!
By Muhammad’s beard! Britney Spears has just admitted to worshiping Satan! Brit said the following on her Twitter account,
We here at Celeb Jihad have worked tirelessly to warn the masses that all celebrities are Satan worshiping shape shifting reptiles, hell-bent on world domination. Now the truth comes out!
Britney was not done there though, she hit us one more time with this doozy of a twat,
“I hope that the new world order will arrive as soon as possible! – Britney”
With Barack Obama being the first celebrity President (I don’t count Ronald Reagan because his movies sucked), I’m afraid this world is doomed.
The righteous among us must build rocket ships and blast off into space, trusting that Allah will guide us to a more hospitable planet with no celebrities… or Jews.
People Magazine is reporting that “Kim Kardashian is going to be an aunt,” which is a hilariously backhanded way of saying that her older sister Kourtney is expecting her first child.
What must it be like to play second fiddle to a girl who probably can’t spell “fiddle?”
If the child is a boy, Kourtney should name it “Fredo,” in honor of Fredo Corleone, Michael Corleone’s no-talent older brother in The Godfather. Kourtney is to Kim what Fredo is to Michael. It’s an analogy, people! Remember the SATs? Oh, never mind.
No word yet on who the father is, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say it’s Satan, Prince of Darkness. If you’ll remember, Satan fathered a few of Anna Nicole Smith’s kids before she decided to take a dirt nap. Here’s hoping it turns out better for Kourtney, I guess.
Note: We couldn’t fit both Kourtney’s face and chest into the picture, so we cropped out her head and placed it next to her chest. Pretty smart, huh?
