Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, who bravely got shot in the head just 2 weeks ago, took to her Twitter account to send the above heartfelt message to her supporters.
In a tweet that appears to be written by smashing her face against the keyboard, Rep. Giffords shows that she is almost back to her full mental capacity.
Notice the playful use of semicolons; it is as if Giffords is saying “wink” I’m going to be OK, and even though my insurance will not cover my physical therapy because a federal medical review board has deemed it “unnecessary” based on my age and medical history I still support Obamacare.
Of course politics being what it is this tweet isn’t without controversy. The part were Gabrielle wrote “lgaadja” is clearly plagiarized from Sarah Palin’s son Trig’s Twitter account. On a March 16th 2010 Trig tweeted, “aahnfn xcjkva ajfajklf lgaadja”. Gabrielle Giffords use of “lgaadja” appears to be mocking Trig.
We’ll see how Sarah Palin responds to this obvious dig at her family. For Gabrielle Giffords well-being let us hope she does not call for blood.
Sarah Palin wants to hunt black people. However, before you sissy liberals get your pretty pink lace panties in a bunch you should know it will simply be a tag and release hunt. They do it to wildlife in Alaska all the time!
According to sources at the US Patents Office, Sarah Palin has applied for a patent on “tracking devices outfitted to look like bling”, with the specific use of “tagging and tracking the movements of black people.”
Now I can already hear you hippie beatniks getting ready to use the race card, but before you do know that on the patent application Sarah Palin specifically acknowledges that not all black people are bad, stating in the notes section that, “while not all black people are criminals .. all criminals are either black or were inspired by black music.”
From what we can determine by the crude sketches on the patent application the way Sarah Palin’s tracking system would work is like this. Law enforcement would enter lower income neighborhoods. They would draw out the blacks with scantily clad fat white women dancing to hip-hop music. The blacks would then be humanely tranquilized and tagged using Sarah Palin’s patent pending “BlackTracker 2000″ technology and their information will be entered into a national database.
Sarah Palin hopes that not only will this tracking system be an invaluable resource for law enforcement, but also for the scientific community who for the first time will be able to study the movements of blacks unencumbered by the threatening taunts of “what are you looking at cracker”.
Law enforcement in Arizona has already expressed an interest in beta testing the system.
Further proving that Americans use God only as a springboard for reality television success and McRib coupons, pagan soul Bristol Palin, daughter of Alaskan mannequin Sarah Palin, recently told People Magazine that “faith and prayer” helped her get through a reality show in which Americans dance to fun music for money.
It is shameful to use any God, even the crappy American one, for help with personal, trivial issues. In our bunker outside of Kabul, we rely on God for food, and to quell the infections in our feet. Yes, we hold dance contests, but we would never use Allah to see us through them. For dancing success, we rely on Usher videos, and early-period Christina Aguilera routines. Perhaps if Ms. Palin had been granted the strength of Twinkie refusal, she would not have needed divine intervention to swing dance for three minutes.
Once, I was walking down a street in Islamabad, and I swear to Allah I heard an American journalist asking for help fixing a flat tire. American’s are so weak. Praise be to A-to-the-H.
Now that Palin’s out as governor of Alaska the media focus has shifted to what she’s going to do next. Since we know Palin is an avid reader of CelebJihad, we have kindly decided to offer her five suggestions we feel would be in her best interests (and ours).
Waitress at Applebee’s
What better place to use your down-home folksy charm to squeeze a few extra bucks out of undersexed middle-aged men? Well, other than Dennis Hof’s BunnyRanch. But hooker jokes aside, if you don’t want David Letterman making fun of your morally loose daughters on late-night TV anymore, head down to your neighborhood Applebee’s and let speeded-out truck drivers do it instead.
Ambassador to North Korea
This works for several reasons. First of all, our nation doesn’t have one so there’s an opening (and it would create a job for our economy). Second, while the North Koreans think Hillary Clinton is a “funny lady” who looks like “a pensioner going shopping” even they would have to admit that Palin is a hottie and her campaign shopping bill proves that she shops at levels exponentially higher than a pensioner. So what’s the rub? Well, they also said Hillary is “by no means intelligent.” If that’s the case then they would probably rate Palin somewhere between a vegetable on life support and Paris Hilton (which, for the record, is an incredibly tight window of brain activity levels).
Broadway Actress
What would be better than a Broadway adaptation of Fargo? A Broadway adaptation of Fargo featuring Sarah Palin as Police Chief Marge Gunderson. Think about it. She’s already got the folksy accent and small town attitude. She could even get knocked up again for the part. And who wouldn’t want to hear Palin deliver the famous line, “Oh, I just think I’m gonna barf.” It would remind us all of the moment we heard she was selected as McCain’s running mate.
Director Biotech Life Sciences Sales, Mumbai India
She doesn’t like the direction this country is going? Well Sarah, you’re a ‘love it or leave it’ type, right? Here’s your chance to leave it. Sure, you’re massively under-qualified, but you’ve got an ‘it’ factor. You’ve got pizzazz. Give it a shot. Will we miss you? You betcha. But only for the easy jokes at your expense.
Presidential Candidate, 2012
African-Americans were delighted to see a black man soundly defeat and old white man in 2008, but that would be nothing compared to seeing it happen to a foxy white woman. Years ago this was a revenge fantasy only fulfilled in the world of pornography, but should the stars align, it could be a mere three years away. Keep the faith, my brothas!
Palin’s promiscuous and pornographic past poses peril for presidential polls.
JUNEAU, AK — Former oil worker Richard St. Joseph released the top portion of what he claims is a nude photograph of presumptive GOP vice presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin.
St. Joseph, a retired custodial engineer for Exxon Mobile, dated the governor for a brief time in the early 80′s.
“I took the picture after we downed a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine during a Christopher Cross concert,” St. Joseph said.
People Magazine and In Touch Weekly have both made undisclosed offers for the bottom portion of the photograph, although St. Joseph has confirmed that the current high bidder is Alaskan Hockey MILF Magazine.
When asked to describe the contents of the photograph, a laughing St. Joseph responded, “It’s true about what they say about Alaskan women’s shaving habits, or I guess I should say lack there of.”
While Palin, who is preparing to speak at next week’s Republican National Convention, refused to comment on alleged photo, the Obama campaign was quick to react.
“This is shocking,” said Obama spokesperson Adrian Marsh. “It’s clearly an attempt steal the strong lesbian following that backed Gov. Hillary Clinton.”
