Lindsay Lohan emerged from long time girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s apartment late last night proudly showing that Samantha is on her period.
Lindsay has long been (what is known in lesbian slang as) a “red wing fighter pilot”. She braves wave after wave of menstrual blood when her girlfriend is on her period just to get her fix of the puss. In fact if this picture is any indication it appears that Lindsay Lohan enjoys the taste of period blood as she is quite pleased with her self.
If it is true that Lindsay Lohan has developed a taste for period blood, given her addictive personality I fully expect Lindsay to be caught going through wastebaskets in women’s restrooms looking for discarded tampons to suck on soon. When this happens remember you heard it here first!
We all know that the Jews are behind the financial crisis and all of the world’s wars. But now we have confirmation that the Zionists are involved in an even more sinister plot: the corruption of Lindsay Lohan!
Need proof? Look no further than Lindsay’s new body guard, a former Israeli soldier named Eilat Anschel. The tabloids are reporting that this sexy Semite is more than just a protector, and Lindsay is “totally obsessing over” Anschel. Couple this with Lindsay’s last lover, noted Lez-Jew Samantha Ronson, and we have ourselves a full-blown conspiracy!
Clearly, Ronson and Anchel are deep cover Mossad agents who are part of an ongoing mission to corrupt Lohan. After all, if the press is focused on Lindsay and her antics, they are less likely to report on Israeli atrocities such as flotilla shootings and the eating of Palestinian babies.
I used to think that Lindsay Lohan was a petulant little harlot too sullied and polluted by years of causal sex to ever be considered for marriage. But after reading that Lindsay may have been beaten by her former boyfriend Sam Ronson, I may have to reconsider.
A supposed friend of Lindsay’s told the following to RadarOnline.com: “One time I saw Lindsay and she had a large welt on her head. She told me that Sam beat the s**t out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”
If true, Lindsay Lohan would be the perfect candidate for marriage. An obedient wife is hard to find in this country, but Lindsay seems to know her place. She also seems to understand that the more someone loves you the more likely they are to beat and choke you because you forgot to feed the goats.
Now, there is still the matter of Lindsay’s promiscuous past, but I try to be progressive when it comes to such matters. A quick female circumcision performed by my cousin Husam would help to curb Lindsay’s more sinful urges, allowing her to focus on woman’s work like rearing children and slaughtering animals with my other wives.
Lindsay, will you marry me?
According to friends close to the “actress”, Lindsay Lohan has fallen off the wagon yet again. Apparently her girlfriend/pusha Samantha Ronson has gotten poor Lindsay hooked on her stank puss. Lindsay is reportedly held up with Ronson at her Hollywood home. Sources report Lindsay hasn’t slept in days and just can’t stop lapping away at Ronson nasty stank puss. They fear for her health and state of mind.
Eating stank puss (also known on the street as dumpster diving, carpet cleaning, rotten oyster shucking, Rosie O’Donnelling) is a serious albeit not widely publicized problem in America. Every year thousands of unsuspecting girls fall victim to this dangerous addiction. Here are some warning signs to look for if you think someone you love may be hooked on the stank puss.
1) Bad grades
2) Smelly fingers
3) Reclusiveness
4) Bad breath
5) Greenish tongue
If you hear someone you care about talking about trying this or exhibiting some of the warning signs please seek help immediately.
