Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson (pictured above) went on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” today, and shared some controversial thoughts as to why the earthquake struck Haiti:
“And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it.
“They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.
“They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’
“True story.
“And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’
“And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free, but ever since they have been cursed”
Despite his rapid aging Robert Pattinson is finally starting to think with a clear head, and understand how the greatness that is Allah works. Allah is a vengeful God. If there is one thing he hates (besides American freedom) it is Haitians. Allah will not rest until every Haitian on earth suffers a horrible death. Praise be to his name!
One of the perks of being a celebrity is that you get to f*ck pretty much anything you want. Animal, vegetable, mineral, it is all game. So naturally with all that f**king going on celebrities have developed distinct “sex faces”.
We’ve been lucky enough to capture a few on camera, as well as some interesting sexual facts about some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Enjoy!
Name: Mandy Moore
Interesting Sex Fact: Mandy is so uptight in bed that she has yet to achieve orgasm with a man. Horses on the other hand are a different story.
Name: Cameron Diaz
Interesting Sex Fact: Cameron enjoys babbling on about her day during sex.
Name: George Clooney
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the cover over his partners head.
Name: Anne Hathaway
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the covers over her own head.
Name: Gisele Bünchen
Interesting Sex Fact: Gisele favorite sexual move is called “The Dicaprio”… don’t tell Tom.
Name: Amy Winehouse
Interesting Sex Fact: Amy can only achieve orgasm after a vigorous session of anal fisting.
Name: Kristen Stewart
Interesting Sex Fact: During sex Kristen Stewart’s lower lip bites her.
Name: Tiger Woods
Interesting Sex Fact: Tiger Woods likes sex… a lot!
Name: Kristen Bell
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Bell can shoot a ping pong ball 50 feet out of her vah jay-jay
Name: Robert Pattinson
Interesting Sex Fact: Robert’s pubic hair is longer than his penis.
Name: Taylor Lautner
Interesting Sex Fact: Taylor has only 1 testicle, and it is small and misshapen.
Name: Katy Perry
Interesting Sex Fact: Katy tossed a girl’s salad… she didn’t like it.
Name: Heidi Montag
Interesting Sex Fact: Heidi cries during sex, and that just makes Spencer want to f*ck her harder.
Name: Kate Gosselin
Interesting Sex Fact: Kate feels no sensation in her vaginal region anymore.
Name: Justin Timberlake
Interesting Sex Fact: Justin greatly enjoys anal. Receiving not giving.
Name: Miley Cyrus
Interesting Sex Fact: Miley is a screamer. Her dad had to sound proof their house.
Post-production work on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight franchise, has been canceled, Summit Entertainment has announced. Although principal photography was completed earlier this year, Summit’s founder Patrick Wachsberger said it isn’t worth everyone’s time and effort to finish another Twilight film.
“Look, the cast, the crew, the producers; we’re all stinking rich, so why keep going?” said Wachsberger. “Is it really worth a few billion more to produce another piece of vampire drivel? I think not.”
When asked if he was worried about a backlash from fans, Robert Pattinson, the film’s star, did not mince words.
“I could buy and sell every Playboy Playmate from the past 20 years,” said Pattinson. “What the hell do we care about a bunch of Twihards who are still in training bras?”
Kristen Stewart has finally opened up to the media. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly the Twilight star came clean about her sexual orientation saying.
“I’m a lesbian…If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor [Lautner], I’d be like ‘F*ck off!’”
Kristen Stewart went on to complain that people have the audacity to ask her questions about her personal life.
I’m not going to give the fiending an answer. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just f*cking give your whole life away?! Can I have your firstborn child?’”
If Kristen Stewart is tired about answering questions about her relationships then she needs to sit down and do an interview with me at CelebJihad. I honestly could give a baker’s f*ck about who or what she is sticking inside her, but I do have 6 or 7 questions about her menstrual cycle and whether or not she likes to take it up the old poop shoot.
Depressed about his recent breakup with Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson has taken to humping pillows.
According to sources, Pattinson checked himself in to a Motel 6 in Valencia, CA on Friday. Since then, other motel guests have been complaining about the loud sobbing that comes from Pattinson’s room at all hours of the night. The only time the crying seems to stop is during one of Pattinson’s vigorous pillow-humping sessions, which happen three-to-four times a day, and last for about five-to-seven minutes each.
During the hump sessions, guests and staff members can clearly hear Pattinson’s bed creaking violently while the star yells out at the top of his lungs, “I am humping a pillow.”
Pattinson reportedly comes out of his room for 10 minutes each day in order to allow the housekeeping staff to replace his soiled pillowcases, and to stock up on Lipton Cup O Soups from the motel vending machine.
Motel workers who have seem the inside of the room say it looks like a war zone, with empty Cup O Soups strewn about and the palpable stench of semen and tears lingering in the air.
It is also reported that the walls of the room are covered in Kristen Stewart’s Twilight posters, with the exception of the space on the ceiling directly above the bed, which is reserved for a poster of Pattinson’s shirtless Twilight co-star, Taylor Lautner.
Friends of Pattinson say the star needs to pull himself together, and suggest that he should find fat girl to use as a “slump buster,” adding that there is no shortage of eager fat girls among his “Twihard” fanbase.
In a recently released deleted scene from the original Twilight movie, there is a very provocative nip slip that went unnoticed by the director.
In the video below you may be able to catch Edward’s (Robert Pattinson) nipple. If you watch closely you can see Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) stunned reaction to the glorious sight. No word yet why this important scene was originally cut from the film, but for me it really ties the whole movie together. I understand the Edward character so much better now.
Robert Pattinson wants to teach you how to beat up dogs! “It is surprisingly easy” says the actor.
What started as a hobby for Pattinson has turned into a full grown obsession.
“Let’s be honest I’m cowardly and feeble, I don’t stand a chance in a fight with most humans. That is why I just love beating up dogs! They are so small and trusting, and they know very little about modern fighting techniques and weapons. After mopping the floor with a mangy mutt I finally feel like a big man.” said RPatz.
Now Robert Pattinson wants to share his love with the world, by teaching everyone about the joys of dog ass-kicking. And what better way to reach the people then a late night infomercial! The infomercial for Robert Pattinson’s “How To Beat Up Dogs” DVD will start airing in early November in select local markets.
“We are concentrating our marketing efforts in the suburbs of Fort Wayne, IN and Great Falls, MO, because we’ve heard that they have some real sass-mouthed canines there that need to be put in their place. But we hope to expand to larger markets like Baton Rogue and Sacramento by Christmas time.”
The Twilight star concluded by saying, “Don’t take guff from dogs like a chump. Buy my DVD today!”
