Celeb Jihad - The Only Celebrity Gossip Site Run by Islamic Extremists » Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson Kristen Stewart Kiss Staged

Durka Durka — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 17:15:57 +0000

Twihards around the world moistened their collective panties yesterday over this supposed candid picture of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart kissing.

This was an epic moment in the lives of many sad lonely girls because it confirmed once and for all that the long suspected romance between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is in fact real… or is it?

How anyone could ever think that two blatant homosexuals like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart could be dating is beyond me, but I have long ago stopped trying to figure out the minds of women because the Qur’an clearly states that they do not have one.

I believe this picture of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart was clearly staged. They have been each other’s “beards” for a long time now, and people were starting to get suspicious, so they had to show some PDA (public display of affection).

However, anyone who has seen the Twilight movies can tell you Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can not act worth a lick, and they have absolutely no sexual chemistry. So for them to pull off a kiss that is even remotely convincing they would have to do it at night, and have it photographed with what appears to be a cheap disposable camera from about 600 yards away.

Nice try Robert and Kristen but I have the truth of Allah in me (praise be to his name), and I can see when two fruits are trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You will burn in the eternal hellfire for your sick homo ways, and no amount of fake hetero tongue wrestling will save you. Allahu Akbar!

Robert Pattinson Turns His Back On ‘Twilight’ Fans

Jimmy Jihad — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 14:08:33 +0000

Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson has turned his back on fans of the series! In a recent interview with the Zionist controlled New York Times, Pattinson said that Twilight can “get a little boring,” adding that, “The good news is that the whole thing is done in seven months.”

Well, if that’s not a slap in the face to Twilight fans everywhere, I don’t know what is. Where does he get the nerve? He might as well have said, “all ‘Twi-Hards’ are stupid, pimple faced 14-year-old girls who will probably grow up to be fat, ugly housewives if they’re lucky enough to not die alone.”

It just goes to show you that the only thing you can trust in this world is Allah. If any disillusioned Twilight fans are interested in learning about the wonders of Islamic extremism, I’d be happy to help mold your impressionable young minds. Please email me at celebjihad@gmail.com (no fatties).

Robert Pattinson Cancels Appearance Due to Hemorrhoids

Jimmy Jihad — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 19:46:02 +0000

Actor and Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson was forced to cancel an appearance this afternoon due to a severe case of hemorrhoids, sources close to the actor say.

The hemorrhoids, which are rumored to be the size of ping-pong balls, are reportedly limiting Pattinson’s mobility and causing extreme discomfort.

Pattinson was scheduled to perform a vampire-themed interpretive dance at a Flint, Michigan, VFW post. The actor’s publicist announced the cancellation just twenty minutes before showtime, much to the chagrin of the dozens of local vets in attendance.

Medical experts believe that hemorrhoids can be caused by any number of factors including diet, hygiene, or the sound of thousands of fat teenage girls repeatedly screaming your name.

Robert Pattinson’s Vehicle Strikes, Kills Young Boy

Jimmy Jihad — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:59:44 +0000

Robert Pattinson’s carriage struck and killed a young peasant boy on Monday as it recklessly sped thought the streets of Paris. Onlookers say that the carriage may have been trying to avoid the paparazzi.

The boy, who was identified only as the son of a local Parisian named Gaspard, was killed instantly.

“The boy was just crossing the street when the carriage came speeding through, ” said Defarge, a local shop owner. “I ran over to comfort the father, and the next thing I know Robert Pattinson leaned out of the carriage and threw coins at us.”

Added Defarge, “It was the coldest, most insulting gesture I’ve ever seen.”

In a statement released on his Twitter feed, Pattinson apologized for the accident, but defended his actions in the aftermath.

“My attempt to make amends for the boy’s life with three gold coins was met with scorn. It’s more than his father’s yearly wages!” he posted, adding in a second post, “These peasants would be wise not to let their children play in the streets.”

Pattinson is in Paris for his latest Film, Put Your Sausage in My Biscuits Vol. 17. Filming is set to resume on Wednesday.

Kristen Stewart Confirms She Is Robert Pattinson’s Beard

Durka Durka — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 19:05:21 +0000

Twilight star Kristen Stewart has confirmed that she is Robert Pattinson’s beard. For those who do not know a “beard” is a girl who serves as a gay man’s companion to hide his sexual orientation.

The startling revelation comes just one week after Robert Pattinson slipped up and admitted to Details magazine that he is “allergic to vagina”. In a move to save his considerable female fan base Robert Pattinson tried to use his trusty beard Kristen Stewart once again saying “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans”. He then went on to blame the fans for him failing to consummate the relationship adding “how am I to be expected to penetrate a vagina when we have fans all over the place?”

For her part Kristen Stewart has finally come to the realization that she is just Robert Pattinson’s beard saying “I guess that explains the strap-on and our role playing games were he calls me ‘Frank’.”

New Twilight Edward Sex Toy

Durka Durka — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:40:47 +0000

Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.

Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.

I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.

Twilight Star John Murtha Dies

Jimmy Jihad — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:18:27 +0000

Democratic Representative and Twilight star John Murtha died on Monday at the age of 77, according to media reports. He had been suffering complications after a gallbladder surgery.

A retired Marine and a vociferous critic of the Iraq War, Murtha was set to appear in this year’s Twilight sequel, Twilight: Eclipse. He was cast as Tyrone Cullen, a jive-talking vampire from Brooklyn who teaches his vampire grandson Edward (Robert Pattinson) how to dance for the big vampire talent show.

A memorial service will be held this Friday.

Robert Pattinson Blames Earthquake on Pact Haitians Made with Satan

Durka Durka — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 23:47:30 +0000

Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson (pictured above) went on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” today, and shared some controversial thoughts as to why the earthquake struck Haiti:

“And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it.

“They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.

“They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’

“True story.

“And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’

“And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free, but ever since they have been cursed”

Despite his rapid aging Robert Pattinson is finally starting to think with a clear head, and understand how the greatness that is Allah works. Allah is a vengeful God. If there is one thing he hates (besides American freedom) it is Haitians. Allah will not rest until every Haitian on earth suffers a horrible death. Praise be to his name!

Celebrity Sex Faces

Durka Durka — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:14:34 +0000

One of the perks of being a celebrity is that you get to f*ck pretty much anything you want. Animal, vegetable, mineral, it is all game. So naturally with all that f**king going on celebrities have developed distinct “sex faces”.

We’ve been lucky enough to capture a few on camera, as well as some interesting sexual facts about some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Enjoy!

Name: Mandy Moore
Interesting Sex Fact: Mandy is so uptight in bed that she has yet to achieve orgasm with a man. Horses on the other hand are a different story.

Name: Cameron Diaz
Interesting Sex Fact: Cameron enjoys babbling on about her day during sex.

Name: George Clooney
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the cover over his partners head.

Name: Anne Hathaway
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the covers over her own head.

Name: Gisele Bünchen
Interesting Sex Fact: Gisele favorite sexual move is called “The Dicaprio”… don’t tell Tom.

Name: Amy Winehouse
Interesting Sex Fact: Amy can only achieve orgasm after a vigorous session of anal fisting.

Name: Kristen Stewart
Interesting Sex Fact: During sex Kristen Stewart’s lower lip bites her.

Name: Tiger Woods
Interesting Sex Fact: Tiger Woods likes sex… a lot!

Name: Kristen Bell
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Bell can shoot a ping pong ball 50 feet out of her vah jay-jay

Name: Robert Pattinson
Interesting Sex Fact: Robert’s pubic hair is longer than his penis.

Name: Taylor Lautner
Interesting Sex Fact: Taylor has only 1 testicle, and it is small and misshapen.

Name: Katy Perry
Interesting Sex Fact: Katy tossed a girl’s salad… she didn’t like it.

Name: Heidi Montag
Interesting Sex Fact: Heidi cries during sex, and that just makes Spencer want to f*ck her harder.

Name: Kate Gosselin
Interesting Sex Fact: Kate feels no sensation in her vaginal region anymore.

Name: Justin Timberlake
Interesting Sex Fact: Justin greatly enjoys anal. Receiving not giving.

Name: Miley Cyrus
Interesting Sex Fact: Miley is a screamer. Her dad had to sound proof their house.

Twilight Saga: Eclipse Has Been Canceled

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:21:00 +0000

Post-production work on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight franchise, has been canceled, Summit Entertainment has announced. Although principal photography was completed earlier this year, Summit’s founder Patrick Wachsberger said it isn’t worth everyone’s time and effort to finish another Twilight film.

“Look, the cast, the crew, the producers; we’re all stinking rich, so why keep going?” said Wachsberger. “Is it really worth a few billion more to produce another piece of vampire drivel? I think not.”

When asked if he was worried about a backlash from fans, Robert Pattinson, the film’s star, did not mince words.

“I could buy and sell every Playboy Playmate from the past 20 years,” said Pattinson. “What the hell do we care about a bunch of Twihards who are still in training bras?”