Twihards around the world moistened their collective panties yesterday over this supposed candid picture of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart kissing.
This was an epic moment in the lives of many sad lonely girls because it confirmed once and for all that the long suspected romance between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is in fact real… or is it?
How anyone could ever think that two blatant homosexuals like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart could be dating is beyond me, but I have long ago stopped trying to figure out the minds of women because the Qur’an clearly states that they do not have one.
I believe this picture of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart was clearly staged. They have been each other’s “beards” for a long time now, and people were starting to get suspicious, so they had to show some PDA (public display of affection).
However, anyone who has seen the Twilight movies can tell you Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can not act worth a lick, and they have absolutely no sexual chemistry. So for them to pull off a kiss that is even remotely convincing they would have to do it at night, and have it photographed with what appears to be a cheap disposable camera from about 600 yards away.
Nice try Robert and Kristen but I have the truth of Allah in me (praise be to his name), and I can see when two fruits are trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You will burn in the eternal hellfire for your sick homo ways, and no amount of fake hetero tongue wrestling will save you. Allahu Akbar!
Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson has turned his back on fans of the series! In a recent interview with the Zionist controlled New York Times, Pattinson said that Twilight can “get a little boring,” adding that, “The good news is that the whole thing is done in seven months.”
Well, if that’s not a slap in the face to Twilight fans everywhere, I don’t know what is. Where does he get the nerve? He might as well have said, “all ‘Twi-Hards’ are stupid, pimple faced 14-year-old girls who will probably grow up to be fat, ugly housewives if they’re lucky enough to not die alone.”
It just goes to show you that the only thing you can trust in this world is Allah. If any disillusioned Twilight fans are interested in learning about the wonders of Islamic extremism, I’d be happy to help mold your impressionable young minds. Please email me at celebjihad@gmail.com (no fatties).
Actor and Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson was forced to cancel an appearance this afternoon due to a severe case of hemorrhoids, sources close to the actor say.
The hemorrhoids, which are rumored to be the size of ping-pong balls, are reportedly limiting Pattinson’s mobility and causing extreme discomfort.
Pattinson was scheduled to perform a vampire-themed interpretive dance at a Flint, Michigan, VFW post. The actor’s publicist announced the cancellation just twenty minutes before showtime, much to the chagrin of the dozens of local vets in attendance.
Medical experts believe that hemorrhoids can be caused by any number of factors including diet, hygiene, or the sound of thousands of fat teenage girls repeatedly screaming your name.
Robert Pattinson’s carriage struck and killed a young peasant boy on Monday as it recklessly sped thought the streets of Paris. Onlookers say that the carriage may have been trying to avoid the paparazzi.
The boy, who was identified only as the son of a local Parisian named Gaspard, was killed instantly.
“The boy was just crossing the street when the carriage came speeding through, ” said Defarge, a local shop owner. “I ran over to comfort the father, and the next thing I know Robert Pattinson leaned out of the carriage and threw coins at us.”
Added Defarge, “It was the coldest, most insulting gesture I’ve ever seen.”
In a statement released on his Twitter feed, Pattinson apologized for the accident, but defended his actions in the aftermath.
“My attempt to make amends for the boy’s life with three gold coins was met with scorn. It’s more than his father’s yearly wages!” he posted, adding in a second post, “These peasants would be wise not to let their children play in the streets.”
Pattinson is in Paris for his latest Film, Put Your Sausage in My Biscuits Vol. 17. Filming is set to resume on Wednesday.
Twilight star Kristen Stewart has confirmed that she is Robert Pattinson’s beard. For those who do not know a “beard” is a girl who serves as a gay man’s companion to hide his sexual orientation.
The startling revelation comes just one week after Robert Pattinson slipped up and admitted to Details magazine that he is “allergic to vagina”. In a move to save his considerable female fan base Robert Pattinson tried to use his trusty beard Kristen Stewart once again saying “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans”. He then went on to blame the fans for him failing to consummate the relationship adding “how am I to be expected to penetrate a vagina when we have fans all over the place?”
For her part Kristen Stewart has finally come to the realization that she is just Robert Pattinson’s beard saying “I guess that explains the strap-on and our role playing games were he calls me ‘Frank’.”
Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.
Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.
I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.
Democratic Representative and Twilight star John Murtha died on Monday at the age of 77, according to media reports. He had been suffering complications after a gallbladder surgery.
A retired Marine and a vociferous critic of the Iraq War, Murtha was set to appear in this year’s Twilight sequel, Twilight: Eclipse. He was cast as Tyrone Cullen, a jive-talking vampire from Brooklyn who teaches his vampire grandson Edward (Robert Pattinson) how to dance for the big vampire talent show.
A memorial service will be held this Friday.
