Twilight star Kristen Stewart has confirmed that she is Robert Pattinson’s beard. For those who do not know a “beard” is a girl who serves as a gay man’s companion to hide his sexual orientation.
The startling revelation comes just one week after Robert Pattinson slipped up and admitted to Details magazine that he is “allergic to vagina”. In a move to save his considerable female fan base Robert Pattinson tried to use his trusty beard Kristen Stewart once again saying “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans”. He then went on to blame the fans for him failing to consummate the relationship adding “how am I to be expected to penetrate a vagina when we have fans all over the place?”
For her part Kristen Stewart has finally come to the realization that she is just Robert Pattinson’s beard saying “I guess that explains the strap-on and our role playing games were he calls me ‘Frank’.”
Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.
Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.
I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.
Democratic Representative and Twilight star John Murtha died on Monday at the age of 77, according to media reports. He had been suffering complications after a gallbladder surgery.
A retired Marine and a vociferous critic of the Iraq War, Murtha was set to appear in this year’s Twilight sequel, Twilight: Eclipse. He was cast as Tyrone Cullen, a jive-talking vampire from Brooklyn who teaches his vampire grandson Edward (Robert Pattinson) how to dance for the big vampire talent show.
A memorial service will be held this Friday.
Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson (pictured above) went on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” today, and shared some controversial thoughts as to why the earthquake struck Haiti:
“And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it.
“They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.
“They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’
“True story.
“And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’
“And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free, but ever since they have been cursed”
Despite his rapid aging Robert Pattinson is finally starting to think with a clear head, and understand how the greatness that is Allah works. Allah is a vengeful God. If there is one thing he hates (besides American freedom) it is Haitians. Allah will not rest until every Haitian on earth suffers a horrible death. Praise be to his name!
One of the perks of being a celebrity is that you get to f*ck pretty much anything you want. Animal, vegetable, mineral, it is all game. So naturally with all that f**king going on celebrities have developed distinct “sex faces”.
We’ve been lucky enough to capture a few on camera, as well as some interesting sexual facts about some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Enjoy!
Name: Mandy Moore
Interesting Sex Fact: Mandy is so uptight in bed that she has yet to achieve orgasm with a man. Horses on the other hand are a different story.
Name: Cameron Diaz
Interesting Sex Fact: Cameron enjoys babbling on about her day during sex.
Name: George Clooney
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the cover over his partners head.
Name: Anne Hathaway
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the covers over her own head.
Name: Gisele Bünchen
Interesting Sex Fact: Gisele favorite sexual move is called “The Dicaprio”… don’t tell Tom.
Name: Amy Winehouse
Interesting Sex Fact: Amy can only achieve orgasm after a vigorous session of anal fisting.
Name: Kristen Stewart
Interesting Sex Fact: During sex Kristen Stewart’s lower lip bites her.
Name: Tiger Woods
Interesting Sex Fact: Tiger Woods likes sex… a lot!
Name: Kristen Bell
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Bell can shoot a ping pong ball 50 feet out of her vah jay-jay
Name: Robert Pattinson
Interesting Sex Fact: Robert’s pubic hair is longer than his penis.
Name: Taylor Lautner
Interesting Sex Fact: Taylor has only 1 testicle, and it is small and misshapen.
Name: Katy Perry
Interesting Sex Fact: Katy tossed a girl’s salad… she didn’t like it.
Name: Heidi Montag
Interesting Sex Fact: Heidi cries during sex, and that just makes Spencer want to f*ck her harder.
Name: Kate Gosselin
Interesting Sex Fact: Kate feels no sensation in her vaginal region anymore.
Name: Justin Timberlake
Interesting Sex Fact: Justin greatly enjoys anal. Receiving not giving.
Name: Miley Cyrus
Interesting Sex Fact: Miley is a screamer. Her dad had to sound proof their house.
Post-production work on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight franchise, has been canceled, Summit Entertainment has announced. Although principal photography was completed earlier this year, Summit’s founder Patrick Wachsberger said it isn’t worth everyone’s time and effort to finish another Twilight film.
“Look, the cast, the crew, the producers; we’re all stinking rich, so why keep going?” said Wachsberger. “Is it really worth a few billion more to produce another piece of vampire drivel? I think not.”
When asked if he was worried about a backlash from fans, Robert Pattinson, the film’s star, did not mince words.
“I could buy and sell every Playboy Playmate from the past 20 years,” said Pattinson. “What the hell do we care about a bunch of Twihards who are still in training bras?”
Kristen Stewart has finally opened up to the media. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly the Twilight star came clean about her sexual orientation saying.
“I’m a lesbian…If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor [Lautner], I’d be like ‘F*ck off!’”
Kristen Stewart went on to complain that people have the audacity to ask her questions about her personal life.
I’m not going to give the fiending an answer. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just f*cking give your whole life away?! Can I have your firstborn child?’”
If Kristen Stewart is tired about answering questions about her relationships then she needs to sit down and do an interview with me at CelebJihad. I honestly could give a baker’s f*ck about who or what she is sticking inside her, but I do have 6 or 7 questions about her menstrual cycle and whether or not she likes to take it up the old poop shoot.
