A mandatory evacuation order is now in effect for anything living in the vicinity of Kendra Wilkinson vagina, officials announced on Wednesday.
The order, which was given due to the impending birth of Kendra’s child, is expected to affect more than 50 billion viral and bacterial residents of the vagina and countless other parasitic insects in the surrounding area.
“Anything that stays in that vagina is dead,” said a federal health official who wished to remain nameless. “When that baby hits, the whole area is going to be torn to smithereens.”
Previously, Kendra’s vagina was considered one of America’s pristine wetlands. But years of drilling and overuse have left it in shambles. It is feared that this birth may damage the vagina beyond repair, rendering the entire area worthless.
Twilight beauty Robert Pattinson is pregnant!
A month ago we received reports that the Twilight star was expecting his first child. Never one to take such serious news at face value Celeb Jihad sent our best investigative journalist to get to the bottom of this story.
OK OK maybe we just payed a bum $20 to go through Robert Pattinson’s garbage. The point is we investigated. Anyway, it is not what we found in his garbage that will shock you, but what we did not find (though some would say the sheer volume of empty lip gloss containers is a bit shocking).
After a month of going through Robert Pattinson’s garbage we found not one used tampon! This basically confirms that Robert Pattinson is preggers!
The identity of the father is still in question, but our sources tell us it is none othr than Robert’s Twilight co-star the devastatingly handsome Kristin Stewart. But it could just as easily be any of other Hollywood leading men that Robert has been romantically linked too.
No word yet if Robert Pattinson’s pregnancy will affect the filming of the 3rd Twilight film, “Twilight 3: Bella’s Backdoor Banging” which is set to start filming in January.
Remember Lisa Loeb? Us either, but I guess she’s been knocked up by her husband, Roey Hershkovitz (I think he’s Italian).
“They’re excited to welcome their first child this winter,” Loeb’s manager told People Magazine.
We here at CelebJihad would like to congratulate the happy couple. We’re glad they decided to waive their legal right to an abortion and let the child “Stay.” Get it?! Ha!
People Magazine is reporting that “Kim Kardashian is going to be an aunt,” which is a hilariously backhanded way of saying that her older sister Kourtney is expecting her first child.
What must it be like to play second fiddle to a girl who probably can’t spell “fiddle?”
If the child is a boy, Kourtney should name it “Fredo,” in honor of Fredo Corleone, Michael Corleone’s no-talent older brother in The Godfather. Kourtney is to Kim what Fredo is to Michael. It’s an analogy, people! Remember the SATs? Oh, never mind.
No word yet on who the father is, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say it’s Satan, Prince of Darkness. If you’ll remember, Satan fathered a few of Anna Nicole Smith’s kids before she decided to take a dirt nap. Here’s hoping it turns out better for Kourtney, I guess.
Note: We couldn’t fit both Kourtney’s face and chest into the picture, so we cropped out her head and placed it next to her chest. Pretty smart, huh?
Matthew McConaughey announced that his girlfriend Camila Alves is expecting their second child.
He posted the following on his website:
“Happy Father’s Day. It’s my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date,” McConaughey writes. “We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father’s Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother.”
Yes the man named his first child after a brand of jeans. I wonder what product he is going to endorse with the 2nd one. My guess is Cheetos.
McConaughey continued, “Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world”.
So according to McConaughey the “greatest miracle” is something that pretty much anyone in the world can do and happens numerous times every second. Also if there is one thing the earth really doesn’t need it is McConaughey bringing “more life into the world”. This planet can only sustain so many self-entitled twits. Just ask Al Gore.
