Well it is official. Oprah just announced on her show that after 25 years, the next season of the show will be her last saying,
“I love this show … this show has been my life and I love it enough to know when it’s time to say goodbye. 25 years feels right in my bones and my spirit. It’s the perfect number, the exact right time.”
There has been a lot of speculation on why Oprah has suddenly decided to quit television after all these years. We contacted our sources close to Oprah and confirmed what we had first suspected.
Oprah is quitting her show to concentrate on eating! Whether it is a nice beef wellington, some southern fried chicken, or her long time “friend” Gayle, Oprah just doesn’t have enough time to eat the things she loves. So Oprah is leaving TV and going to go on a real binge. Reportedly Gayle couldn’t be happier.
One of Oprah’s favorite books has turned out to be a fraud (again). What are some of the major inaccuracies in Herman Rosenblat’s now discredited Holocaust-era romance, Angel at the Fence?
10. The no-holds-barred football game between the prison guards and a rag-tag group of inmates.
9. Rosenblat’s jive-talking African-American sidekick, Detroit Jones.
8. The insistence that his future wife sustained him by tossing only delicious Mott’s brand Apple-Cinnamon Fun Packs over the fence.
7. Rosenblat’s claim that he did Hitler’s taxes in exchange for a new prison library and some beer for his fellow inmates.
6. The constant misspelling of the word “Hon-ik-a.”
5. Rosenblat’s repeated boasting that he “shtupped” a young Elizabeth Taylor after the camp’s annual Springtime Ball.
4. The fact Angel at the Fence is actually a reference to Rosenblat’s reported visions of Androstene-fueled spirits roaming the outfield of the Tel Aviv Angels of Anaheim baseball stadium.
3. The constant depiction of Rosenblat as a Christ figure; particularly during the scene where, on a dare, he eats fifty pieces of bacon.
2. Rosenblat’s claim that while in the camp he was bunkmates with hall-of-fame pitcher Sandy Koufax.
1. The climactic scene where Roseblat and his wife escape death by keeping their eyes firmly shut as the camp commandant opens the Arc of the Covenant.
Welcome to the inaugural edition of B. Rock Hussein’s column, A Bone to Pick.
B. Rock, is a man about town who isn’t afraid to share his opinions. By “about town” we mean the employee lounge at the South Shore Care Center in Oxnard, CA, where he now works as an orderly. By opinions we mean whatever he was able to piece together from watching TMZ, The O’Reilly Factor, and Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
Rumor has it that Oprah Winfrey offered to produce Barack Obama’s half-hour television special which will air simultaneously on CBS, NBC and FOX. She even offered her studio space for the broadcast.”She’s been begging Obama to let her help,” a source told the Drudge Report.Considering the show airs tonight, it’s safe to say that Mrs. Winfrey’s services were not needed. I feel inclined to ever so subtly “fill Oprah in” on the reason Obama turned down her generous offer.
Oprah, darling; you’re black!
Did she seriously think that Obama would allow her, a black woman, to come in on the final leg and expose his own blackness?
Just take a look at the numbers. According to the latest daily Gallup poll, Obama leads McCain 50% to 43%.
Let me translate that for you; 50% of registered voters believe that Obama is white. Now is not the time to rain on that parade.
Furthermore, the ever eloquent Obama has used his powers of oration to convince 10% of registered voters that McCain is, in fact, black. He has convinced 70% of black voters that McCain is white, and the remaining 30% now believe McCain to be some sort of Puerto Rican fellow who is trying to sleep with their underage sister. Perhaps most importantly, he has convinced 97% of all Puerto Rican statutory rapists that Sarah Palin is an adorable, but retarded, wolverine.
At this point in the game putting Oprah next to Obama would be political suicide. She might as well offer to have Jesse Jackson direct the special, put Al Sharpton behind the camera and have Reverend Wright hold the sound boom. Only in America!
The point is Oprah should stick to what she does best; redistributing her wealth to her lazy ass, out of work studio audience.
Thanks but no thanks, Oprah. Consider your bone PICKED!
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of B. Rock Hussein.
