With millions of Americans still caught in the grips of a crippling recession President Barack Obama is preparing to make his 2011 “State of the Union Address” tonight. Many political pundits have speculated that Obama would focus on the economy and job creation, but CelebJihad.com has received an advanced copy of the President’s speech and it is filled with surprises.
Obama expanded his speech writing team for this year’s address picking up famed Oscars joke writer Bruce Vilanch, so not surprisingly Obama’s speech will feature quite a few pop culture references. He will open with a joke disparaging MTV’s Jersey Shore star “Snooki” for her weight and small stature (no word yet if Snooki will be in attendance at the time). Obama will then cover a few of the big celeb scandals Americans are currently dealing with, specifically the whole Charlie Sheen and his hookers thing (lets just say he has a doozy of a pun using “Two And A Half Men”)
Once America and more importantly the audience in attendance is properly warmed up, President Obama will get into the serious issues. He’ll compare America’s current economic troubles to that of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s character in “The Social Network”, and he’ll point out how Americans needs to just sit tight because “we don’t know what this thing is yet”.
President Obama will end his speech with a significant rant against the importance of birth certificates. He’ll remind Americans that they can not really be trusted and are thus not important. Obama will propose that America do away with the whole birth certificate system, and instead just take people’s word for their birthplace because “like the elders in my village use to say ‘we are all in this together’.”
Yes President Barack Obama’s 2011 State of the Union Address is going to be one for the ages. There are sure to be a lot of laughs with a few poignant moments sprinkled in. The American populace will walk away from it being thoroughly entertained.
In a bold move that all major news outlets are describing as “well-timed”, “brilliant”, and “sexy” (except for Fox News which only characterized it as “mildly genius”) President Obama called an emergency press conference out on the White House lawn to lament the death of actress Brittany Murphy, and put her untimely demise squarely on our “broken health care system”. President Obama said,
From Billy Mayes to Michael Jackson we as a nation have lost a great number of national treasures this year. Now with the passing of Brittany Murphy, I’m saying enough. The time for debate is over we must act on health care reform now… I’m here today to tell you that all these celebrity deaths could have been avoided if we had affordable health care for all Americans.
Republicans opponents counter that the President was once again being disingenuous. Sen. Al Hartford from Iowa released this statement,
For the President to say that all the celebrity deaths could have been avoided with health care reform is a gross exaggeration. I’d like to know how David Carradine would still be alive today considering he killed himself performing autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand. Even with a single payer or public option I just don’t see how that is possible.
White House Cheif of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to counter,
Under the President’s plan Mr Carradine would never have had to travel to Thailand in the first place. He would have been able to afford for a trained nurse to choke and beat him off. Provided that he filled out the necessary paperwork and got approval from a health review board of course.
The debate over health care continues to rage in Washington, while our nation’s most precious resource, celebrities, drop like flies. Let us hope that something gets done soon before we have no celebrities left.
Celeb Jihad has obtained the exclusive audio of President Barack Obama calling Kanye West a “n-word” for interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech during the VMAs.
The audio was recorded just before Obama went on camera to do an interview with CNBC. Before the interview began, Obama was asked about Kanye and said “I thought that was really inappropriate,” then added, “He’s a jackass.”
Here is that audio:
But Obama was not done there. While reporters kept recording Obama proceeded to go all “hood” as he let loose a string of profanities and racial slurs towards the rapper. Repeatedly calling Kanye a “house n-word”.
We have the exclusive audio of that tirade here:
Palin’s promiscuous and pornographic past poses peril for presidential polls.
JUNEAU, AK — Former oil worker Richard St. Joseph released the top portion of what he claims is a nude photograph of presumptive GOP vice presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin.
St. Joseph, a retired custodial engineer for Exxon Mobile, dated the governor for a brief time in the early 80′s.
“I took the picture after we downed a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine during a Christopher Cross concert,” St. Joseph said.
People Magazine and In Touch Weekly have both made undisclosed offers for the bottom portion of the photograph, although St. Joseph has confirmed that the current high bidder is Alaskan Hockey MILF Magazine.
When asked to describe the contents of the photograph, a laughing St. Joseph responded, “It’s true about what they say about Alaskan women’s shaving habits, or I guess I should say lack there of.”
While Palin, who is preparing to speak at next week’s Republican National Convention, refused to comment on alleged photo, the Obama campaign was quick to react.
“This is shocking,” said Obama spokesperson Adrian Marsh. “It’s clearly an attempt steal the strong lesbian following that backed Gov. Hillary Clinton.”
The latest CelebJihad.com presidential tracking poll shows Illinois Senator Barrack Obama’s poll numbers dipping slightly over the weekend, with Arizona Senator John McCain gaining .00000000000000000000002%.
In unrelated news, a recent poll shows that the Church of Scientology has seen a 25% decline among African-Americans.
Special thanks to Joe S. and John P. for help with this report.
