Celeb Jihad - The Only Celebrity Gossip Site Run by Islamic Extremists » New Moon

Team Edward’s Starting Left Tackle Injured

Durka Durka — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:33:35 +0000

Team Edward was dealt a tremendous blow today as starting left tackle Laquisha Adams had to be helped off the practice field with what looked like a groin injury.

The offensive line was performing blocking drills when Laquisha fell to the ground riving in pain and clutching her “special spot”. Team doctors don’t know the extent of the injury yet because they are waiting on a special piece of equipment needed to examine a crotchal region of this size to be flown in from Denver.

With Laquisha Adams out Vegas odds have overwhelmingly swung in Team Jacobs favor. As one analyst put it “You just can’t replace a Laquisha Adams. Left tackle is one of the most important positions on any team that supports a fictional character, because it blocks the quarterbacks blind side.”

Team Edward were looking at signing NFL left tackle Michael Oher to come in and replace Laquisha, but Michael was quick to squash any hope of Team Edward signing him by releasing this statement,

“Why the f*ck would I come play for them? My movie “Blind Side” is the #1 movie in the country right now. Suck on that Twihards!”

Taylor Lautner: “Twilight Is Bigger Than Jesus”

Jimmy Jihad — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:53:01 +0000

Fresh off the success of Twilight: New Moon’s box office success, Taylor Lautner did not mince words when describing the film franchise as “bigger than Jesus” and “1000 times cooler than some pesky Jew god in the sky.”

“Twilight: New Moon is like the crucifixion and the resurrection all rolled into one,” said Lautner. “Jesus Christ ain’t got nothing on this movie.”

Lautner, who went on to call the pope a “wack-ass Nazi bitch,” also suggested that teenage fans of the film should stop going to church.

Added Lautner, “Church is for losers; our fans should all worship vampires and shit.”

Twilight: New Moon Panned By Critics

Jimmy Jihad — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:23:54 +0000

Twilight: New Moon is finally here, and so are the reviews. With a 30% favorable rating on RottenTomatoes.com, the critics are saying things that would make a vampire blush. Here’s a look at what some of the top critics had to say about the highly anticipated sequel staring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

	Peter Travers – This is pure garbage. I work for Rolling Stone, so I know garbage.
	Roger Ebert – If watching this movie again would cure my cancers, I’d take my chances with the cancers.
	Claudia Puig – This film is a festering bowl of dog snot. Fuck this fucking shit.
	James Berardinelli - Remember that story that was going around a few years back about how gay guys in New York were intentionally getting AIDS as a right of passage? Yeah, my cousin Leo started that rumor. Also, New Moon sucked.
	Michael Phillips – I liked this movie. Couple that with my beard, and there’s no way I should be allowed near a playground.
	Rex Reed – The acting was horrible, but that wolf boy made my dick move for the first time in 13 years!
	Larry King – What was wrong with the old moon?

Taylor Lautner Held 79 Illegal Immigrants in a Squalid “Drop House”

Jimmy Jihad — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:41:45 +0000

LOS ANGELES — Twilight star and teen heartthrob Taylor Lautner held dozens of illegal immigrants in a squalid “drop house” in South Los Angeles, where one woman was beaten and others say they were threatened with assault, authorities said Tuesday.

Lautner, 17, was charged with harboring illegal immigrants at the two-story home that immigration agents raided Monday, said U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokeswoman Nancy Hilbrich.

Lautner was arrested along with 57 immigrants, including teenagers and toddlers from Central and South America. An agent involved in the raid described conditions in the house as “utter squalor with trash and food piled up two to three feet high.”

Inside the home agents found a pistol and a stun gun that Lautner allegedly used to threaten the immigrants. They also found over 4000 pirated DVD copies of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

According to an affidavit filed in the case, Lautner repeatedly beat a woman who had been at the house since last summer because she was not a fan of Twilight. The woman, now seven months pregnant, said Lautner threatened her with a gun when she could not name her favorite character from the film.

Several other female immigrants said Lautner tried to beat them with a wooden plank, relenting only when the women’s young children began to cry, according to the affidavit.

Drop houses are commonly used to hold illegal immigrants until they are transported to their ultimate destination, the set of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, where they will be forced to work as grips and caterers.

Exclusive Twilight New Moon Photos

Durka Durka — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:44:52 +0000

CelebJihad has just received these exclusive Twilight New Moon promotional photos, and we could not wait to share them with our fellow “Twihards”. Since no one has seen the movie yet, and I am probably the biggest Twihard in the world I will be providing captions for each photo describing what is going on in the scene pictured.

Angry that her Dad missed her ballet recital when she was 7, Bella seeks out the town’s black man and his “low hanging fruit” for comfort.

In the movie’s only scat scene. Edward smears feces on Bella’s face.

Bella is badly injured after trying to redecorate a gay man’s condo.

The cast relaxing before the movie’s big orgy scene.

After a night of drinking Mad Dog 20/20 Bella gives Jacob a handjob in his truck.

Bella farts in a crowded movie theater.

Bella about to be gang banged by a group of shirtless Mexicans.

Jacob flirts with Bella to make his crush Edward jealous.

Bella’s friend explains to her the joys of anal love making.

Bella’s dad gives her a picture of his balls and a 1st edition copy of the classic novel “Lolita” for her sweet 16th birthday.

‘New Moon’ Soundtrack Causes Controversy

Jimmy Jihad — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:17:20 +0000

The Twilight Saga: New Moon staring Robert Pattinson doesn’t open until later this year, but the film’s soundtrack was released today. Some family groups are outraged over the song choices. Is the content really inappropriate, or are parents simply out of touch with the youth of today?

Here’s an exclusive list of songs from the soundtrack. Take a look and judge for yourself.

“Fuck tha Police” – NWA
“Closer” – Nine Inch Nails
“Bela Lugosi’s Dead” – Bauhaus
“What What: In the Butt” – Samwell
“StarFucker” – The Rolling Stones
“Gimme That Nut” - Eazy E
“Slob On My Knob” – Three 6 Mafia
“Rock & Roll Nigger” – Patti Smith
“High ‘Til I Die (New Moon Remix)” – Tupac
“Necropedophile” – Cannibal Corpse
“Jesus Hitler” – Carnivore
“Meet Me On The Equinox” – Death Cab for Cutie

Kristen Stewart Bites Her Lower Lip A Lot Video

Durka Durka — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:56:58 +0000

Kristen Stewart the star of the upcoming movie “Twilight New Moon” is a brilliant actress. As the video below shows Kristen isn’t afraid to totally put herself into a role by constantly doing her annoying tick of licking then biting her lower lip.

Rumor has it that in one intense scene in “Twilight New Moon” Kristen gnaws right down to her jaw bone.

Check out this amazing compilation of Kristen Stewart’s acting abilities.

Twilight New Moon Outtake

Durka Durka — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:23:57 +0000

This is a screenshot with dialogue from the upcoming Twilight movie New Moon. Producers decided to cut the scene because they thought it made Robert Pattinson’s character “Edward” seem “too butch”.