Michael Lohan, father of hell beast Lindsay Lohan, was attacked outside of his Santa Monica home late last night, and I was no where near the area at the time.

A currently unidentified assailant allegedly assaulted Michael Lohan, slashing his neck and arm with what police believe was a knife, but it was actually more like a filed down screwdriver I found behind the dumpster of a 7/11.

Obviously when an important celebrity like Michael Lohan gets attacked like this the police are under tremendous pressure to solve the case quickly. I fear they may try to pin it on a patsy. Probably some handsome Arab celeb Jihadist, who just so happened to have been sending Michael Lohan threatening letters for the past couple months. You know typical racist LAPD police work.

The important thing for Michael Lohan to remember is that whoever did this is obviously a very dangerous person who would probably not take kindly to him snitching to the police. I think if Michael thinks about it hard enough he’ll remember that his attacker was actually a black male about 6’0 wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans.

Yep that is who the police should be looking for. Allahu Akbar!

In the latest leaked tape by Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan, we learn that Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger at the time of his death.

In the 2008 tapes, Lindsay’s mom Dina tells Michael that Heath’s drug overdose devastated their daughter and “f***ed her up.” She is heard on the tape saying that,

“She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?”

Lindsay dating Heath makes perfect sense because he was trying to hit rock bottom. Not to mention this would explain the large quantities of “stank puss” found during Heath’s autopsy.

Dina went on to say that she fears Lindsay may pull a Heath of her own.

“Because when she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking.”

Luckily for the Lohan’s their little meal ticket Lindsay is not nearly talented enough to die young like Heath Ledger, James Dean, or River Phoenix. No, unfortunately Lindsay will live to be a ripe old whore.