Madonna has reportedly inked a seven-figure endorsement deal with Hiltex, Inc., the world’s largest supplier of vaginal pessaries. A pessary is a small plastic or silicone medical device which is used for vaginal support and to offer a solution to incontinence and/or prolapse in older women.
“Madonna doesn’t want to slow down just because she’s over 50,” said Hiltex spokesperson Janet Lamar. “And nothing will slow you down faster than your well-worn uterus falling out on stage. That’s why Madonna only uses Hiltex brand vaginal pessaries, the pessary designed specifically for today’s older modern woman on the go.”
Madonna has put a lot of things in her mouth, but NYC Pizza isn’t one of them.
Apparently the pop star who is best known for acting like a whore and ruining the song American Pie has never gotten the urge to try New York’s signature dish, even though she’s lived in the damn city for over 30 years (although something tells us she’s had more than her share of NYC hot dogs…ZING!!!).
But David Letterman decided enough was enough, and took her next door for a slice. When Letterman asked what she liked on her pie, Madonna said, “That’s a very personal question.”
Get it! The old whore made a joke about her vagina! HAHHAHAHAH! Hilarious, Madonna! Still got it!
Madonna’s brother is a catty little bitch. Normally we don’t care for that, but since he’s directing his insults toward his sister, we’re thrilled.
Christopher Ciccone, who hasn’t spoken to his sister since he wrote a tell-all book about her last year, said that Madonna’s outfit at the MTV Music Video Awards looked like “Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong!” We have no idea what that means, but we’re sure it’s snarky!
He went on to mock his sister’s new man whore, saying “It’s painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him.”
The fact that I haven’t used a blow-dryer in 15 years isn’t going to stop me from laughing at that. HAHA! YOU GOT SERVED, MADONNA!
If you’ve ever wondered what Mary Poppins would look like if she was on Meth, Madonna has been kind enough to show you.
This week, the Material “Girl” celebrated her 51st birthday in Italy by desperately trying to keep the sun from melting her thin layer of remaining skin.
This is Madonna’s first birthday since her break up with Guy Ritchie. But don’t worry, Madge, I’m sure this photo will cause Guy to come running back, or at the very least make it difficult for him to maintain an erection with the 20-something stripper he’s probably banging.
Happy Birthday, Madonna!
Damn Madonna is looking fine as hell! She was out in London the other day showing off her beautiful arms. I think they look like spider legs… sexy spider legs that is.
I bet she could rip my dick off and beat me with it. I’m getting hot just thinking about it.
Who says you can’t be a sex symbol after 70? Allah, that’s who.
The “Material Girl” is back, and this time the “material” seems to consist mainly of male growth hormones she stole from A-Rod and old-lady skin.
But Madonna’s grotesque appearance isn’t slowing her down. This past weekend she kicked off her “Sticky and Sweet” tour in London. We can only assume that she’s referring to “Fixodent Control Plus Scope Flavor,” the only denture cream that provides the “stickiness” of Fixodent with the “sweet” freshness of Scope Mouthwash.
Madonna‘s divorce from Guy Ritchie is well underway, and CelebJihad.com has obtained a copy of the prenuptial agreement. Buckle up and enjoy exclusive access to all the shocking details!
|Ritchie will retain ownership of the couple’s estate in London, while Madonna will keep her home at Snake Mountain on the dark side of Eternia. She will also retain custody of the evil feline known only as Panthor.|
|Madonna will continue to pay Ritchie a monthly stipend of $5000 dollars for a specially designed toothpaste that removes the taste of Warren Betty/Sean Penn/Sandra Bernhardt’s dick from his mouth.|
|Ritchie will be granted joint custody of the couple’s children, with the exception of “dat lil’ mow mow wanker. Black as thee ace of spades, ‘e is!”|
|Guy Ritchie shall regain full custody of his balls. Madonna waives all visitation rights.|
|Madonna shall retain the publishing rights to “Material Girl,” along with all other material possessions, including, but not limited to, the material world we are living in.|
|If Madonna fucks A-Rod, she shall have to wear a scarlet colored “A-ROD” on her chest. If Guy Ritchie fucks A-Rod, he shall have to wear a pink colored “GAY-ROD” on his chest. ZING!!!|
|Madonna is no longer allowed to wear her “My Lemons Get Squeezed by a Limey Twat” tee-shirt.|
|If the divorce is due to Ritchie’s infidelity, Madonna shall have the right to shove no less than seventeen Kabbalah crystals up his ass.|
|If the divorce is due to Madonna‘s infidelity, Ritchie shall have the right to remove no more than seventeen Kabbalah crystals from her ass.|
|Ritchie will retain custody of the estimated 37,500 unsold copies of Madonna‘s 1992 book, “Sex.” Although Madonna herself will keep prototype copies and publishing rights for the unfinished sequel, “Sex with a Disgusting Old Saddlebag.”|
|Madonna will lose custody of her adopted British accent, although she will have visitation rights on Boxing Day, and whenever she is drinking.|
|Ritchie waives all claims to heir of the throne of Neumodeada and will sign a non-disclosure agreement pertaining to Madonna’s yearly ceremony at the solstice, wherein her 1000 year old bones turn to dust and she is reborn from the carcass of viper fish.|
|Madonna’s vagina is to be donated to astronomers who are anxious to study the effects of black holes on washed-up film directors.|