A few months ago we broke the story that John Mayer was planning on having kinky sex with Taylor Swift. Well it looks as though we were right. John Mayer did all sorts of unspeakable acts to Taylor Swift, and then kicked her to the curb like any self-respecting man would.
Of course Taylor Swift lacks the modesty to keep her affair with John Mayer to herself, and instead has written a song about him. Here is an excerpt from the lyrics,
“Dear John/I see it all now that you’re gone/Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with/The girl in the dress/Cried the whole way home/I should’ve known.”
“It was wrong/Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games/When I loved you so.”
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine.”
“You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand/And I’ll look back in regret I ignored what they said/’Run as fast as you can.”
Wow Taylor Swift is sure making a big deal about that one night of ass to mouth f*cking John Mayer gave her. Obviously she loved it, but she needs to move on and not catch feelings for every guy who gets her in bed and takes a dump on her chest.
Taylor Swift needs to stop romanticizing so much, and she’ll be a much happier degenerate Hollywood slut.
John Mayer’s penis is at the center of a major controversy. When asked if he’d ever get with a black woman during a recent interview with Playboy magazine the singer revealed that,
“I don’t think I open myself to it. My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin’ David Duke c*ck. I’m going to start dating separately from my d*ck.”
As the backlash against John Mayer’s penis continues to grow it released this statement through its’ publicist to try and mediate the damage to its’ reputation. According to John Mayer’s penis,
“I am sad and hurt by the comments made by John Mayer about me in his recent Playboy interview. I really don’t even know where John was getting that white supremacist stuff from. I’m one of the most open-minded penises you’ll ever meet.
I’ve been in everything from women and men to animals and various warm casseroles. Sure I’ve never been in a “black”, but that’s only because they are all criminals with nappy hair, not because I am racist or anything. In fact I hangout with blacks all the time. Of course they usually get flushed before we get to know each other, but still at least I make the effort.”
Singer, song writer, and cocksman John Mayer has made quite a name for himself turning famously innocent female celebrities into dirty little sex pots. He allegedly introduced the joys of anal love making to the likes of Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. John Mayer also claims he will only date a girl who gives in completely to his every sexual desire.
Well old John has his sights firmly set on his next conquest, 19-year-old singer Taylor Swift. John contacted Taylor back in March to perform a duet with him. That is John Mayer code for a blowjob, but Taylor misunderstood and actually went to record a song. They have been close ever since, and were just seen getting cozy at a private table at Il Ristorante di Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica.
No doubt John Mayer has plans to violently penetrate every one of Taylor’s orifices (if he has not already done so). Taylor Swift is about to get a lesson in kinky sex from a master. I suggest she keep up on her stretches to stay limber, and maybe google a few terms like “rusty trombone“, “angry dragon“, and of course the “glass bottom boat“.
There have been a few celebrity responses to the whole Perez Hilton getting punched incident. It is not surprising that celebrities are being sassy towards the noted sodomite and celebrity blogger. No word yet if any celebrities are going to doodle penises on his pic and post them on their blog though.
Kelly Clarkson:
“I’m gonna be honest with you, he’s gonna get a lot of flowers—not Perez, the manager. I do not think violence is the answer, but what did you expect? You can’t say that much crap about people without having to say something.
Joe Rogan:
“PerezHilton talking about how he doesn’t like drama in his life after he called Will.I.Am a fag and got punched in the head made my day. Watch this, it makes you want to smack him. 3 He talks shit about people for a living and gets upset when karma rolls.”
John Mayer:
Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called “Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu.” this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.”
Frankie Muniz:
“Perez Hilton, how do you call a man a FAGGOT right in his face and not expect to get hit?”
Travis McCoy (of Gym Class Heroes):
“PS. WILL.I.AM- 1, PEREZ-0, It’s about fucking time.
AAGH,I just watched him get his Chris Crocker on ‘I write drama about other peoples lives,I don’t want drama in mine’ You got BOOM BOOM POW’D! Violence is not the answer. Trust me, been through it. The fact is, not EVERYONE is going to take being called a vulgar expletive lightly.”
MTV star Rob Dyrdek got so drunk with John Mayer on Saturday, that he had to go to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. Whether his stomach was full of semen is uncertain, but I think we all know what John Mayer had planned.
Rocker John Mayer is trying to win back ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston. He has been sending her sappy texts, as well as picture messages of his balls and taint.
Mayer, who had broken up with Aniston almost two months back, is now determined to get her back. He has cut back on his smoking and drinking and has even promised to stop making shitty music.
Mayer and Aniston had a pretty acrimonious break-up. But over the past few weeks, they’ve both realized what miserable people they are, and figure a co-dependent relationship based on them both being intolerable cunts is the best either can hope for.
“John initially called things off when Jen broke her strap-on off in his anal cavity. But after considerable time apart, his priorities have changed and he realized that he enjoyed the sensation”. said a source close to Mayer.
Mayer also invited Aniston to be his guest of honor at his 31st birthday recently. She attended and gave Mayer a good birthday dick sucking later that evening.
