That title sounds pretty win-win, doesn’t it? Well, there’s a catch. The celebrities will only stop tweeting until $1 million is raised for Alicia Keys’ charity “Keep a Child Alive.” Celebrities voluntarily giving up social media until this charitable ransom is paid include: Lady GaGa, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Serena Williams, Elijah Wood, Ryan Seacrest and Kim Kardashian.
Damn Alicia Keys for making us choose between the health of impoverished children with AIDS and enjoying the absence of semi-hourly updates from Usher in our lives. That is why, we at Celeb Jihad suggest that someone start a charity identical to Mrs. Keys’, but require that celebrities tweet until it raises 1 million dollars at which time the celebrities will agree to never tweet again… and to commit suicide. The kids get helped, and we never have to hear from Elijah Wood about how much he enjoys the peanut butter from Trader Joe’s.
If you are interested in in donating to the cause, you can click here, but please, spread out your donations. We’d like to make it at least through the week without having to read anything resembling this.
Jennifer Hudson
Singer and actress Jennifer Hudson has ruined her vagina by giving birth to her first child, her publicist has announced.
While Hudson is distracted by the arrival of the “beautiful and perfect baby boy,” fiancé, David Otunga, was said to be “grief-stricken” about the destruction of his mate’s previously-tight va-jay-jay.
“You always think of this as something that happens to some other woman’s vagina,” said Otunga as he placed a stuffed animal at a makeshift memorial beside Hudson’s mangled labia. “You never think about your own woman’s vagina being stretched beyond all comprehension.”
Added Otunga, “And now I can’t even look at roast beef sandwiches anymore, which really sucks because I liked those as well.”
A memorial service for Hudson’s vagina will be held on Friday.
Jennifer Hudson, still suffering from the murders of her mother, brother and nephew, expressed gratitude Thursday for her four sympathy Grammy nominations.
“It’s been a childhood dream of mine to release an album,” she said in a statement. Not many people even knew Jennifer’s dream came true, as the album has only sold 37 copies and not one single has had any airplay on an FM station.
“To receive four Grammy nominations is truly a blessing. I’m extremely honored and humbled.” She continued. “Now who has to die for me to actually win one of those suckers.” She later quipped.
To receive maximum publicity for the nominations they were announced on the same day her estranged brother-in-law, William Balfour, was ordered held without bail in the Chicago shooting deaths of Hudson’s mother, brother, and his own stepson. Senior public relations director for the Grammy’s Doug Goodstein called the timing of the nominations “kismet baby!”
