Now that he is done fucking Conan O’Brien by banishing him to TBS, Jay Leno has moved onto a new redheaded target – the orangutan. A “60 Minutes” undercover investigation found that Leno, unsatisfied with the ass f*cking of O’Brien, has been sneaking into the LA Zoo late at night and repeatedly raping what zookeepers describe as a young, hip orangutan.
“Jay Leno has a history of aggression towards redheads,” said Scott ‘Carrot Top’ Thompson. “First he f*cks David Letterman out of ‘The Tonight Show’ and then Conan. Now he’s raping orangutans? What’s next? Throwing his own feces at the Wendy’s girl?”
Attorneys for Leno have been tight lipped, electing not to comment other than to say that when the truth comes out the public will learn that the ass raping was consensual.
O’Brien responded to the news on his Twitter page, simply stating, “I always knew Jay was a motherf*cker, but I never knew he was a monkeyf*cker too. Must be a hack comic thing.”
Funny man Jay Leno has done it again with another hilarious joke at Conan O’Brien’s expense. During an interview with noted Mossad agent Joy Behar, Leno claimed that both he and Conan “got screwed” by NBC. But just hours later, Leno explained that it was an April Fool’s joke, and that clearly Conan was the only one who got screwed.
“Obviously I was kidding, since I didn’t get screwed at all,” said Leno. “I got my show back, I’m number one in the ratings, things have never been better.”
Added Leno, “I’d have to have some really huge balls to come out and pretend I was somehow a victim. Can you imagine? Anyway, gotcha!”
In an effort to boost sagging ratings, Jay Leno will bang Conan O’Brien’s wife when his show returns to the 11:30 pm time slot after the Winter Olympics. NBC executives have confirmed that Leno will bang Elizabeth Powell, O’Brien’s wife of over seven years and the mother of his two children, for a half hour. After the initial 30 minutes, O’Brien will then step in to finish her off.
Jeff Gaspin, chairman of NBC Universal Television, told reporters that the move was designed to keep both stars at NBC.
“My goal right now is to keep Jay and Conan as part of our late-night lineup,” Gaspin said. “And I really think this will help accomplish my goal.”
Added Gaspin, “This is a good idea.”
Gaspin added that while Jimmy Fallon will not participate, he will be allowed to masturbate in the corner provided he does not start until 1:05 am.
In a move that is sure to upset the bulk of his elderly viewers, Jay Leno has admitted to having sex with his wife Mavis.
“I’m sorry to everyone who I’ve offended or let down,” said a tearful Leno during a press conference on Friday.
Reaction from fans was swift, and generally negative. Typical Leno viewer Emma Wordsworth, a 79-year-old retired math teacher, condemned the marital sex.
“At their age, it’s disgusting,” Wordsworth said. “At this point they should be sleeping in different beds, if not entirely different rooms.”
Added Wordsworth, “Plus, those headlines he’s always reading have gotten too racy since they moved the show to 10pm. And what happened to the desk?”
