Casey Anthony is now far away from Orlando, and in fact the whole oppressive backwards country that is the United States of America.
Following her release from jail, Casey Anthony requested and was granted political asylum from the Iranian government. She then went to Orlando Executive Airport and boarded a private jet headed for Tehran.
Iranians, like most progressive Muslims, consider Casey Anthony a hero for standing up for her Allah given right to abort her bastard child. Unlike closed-minded Westerners, Muslims recognize the fact that bastard children do not have souls because they are born in sin, and that killing them is not only not a crime but really the only sensible thing to do.
No doubt Casey Anthony will be quite happy living in Tehran were the people will welcome her with open arms. Already rumors are circulating that she has been accepted into the harem of one Habib Jabib, the elder of his clan and a very well respected and distinguished warlord. Things are definitely looking up Casey Anthony!
Attention all law enforcement officials. The following statement was made under duress and is not an admission of guilt.
Yesterday, the Red Cross delivered the following note, written on a piece of used toilet paper, from my client and CelebJihad.com founder, Jibril “Jimmy” Jihad. Three months ago, he was abducted by the CIA, and is currently being interrogated at a secret facility somewhere in Eastern Europe. These are his unaltered words.
Marty Platinum
J.D. Candidate
The Oxnard School of Law and Therapeutic Massage
Fellow Celebrity Jihadists,
Allah be praised! Although I am in the belly of the beast, I bring you good news! Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi has been jailed for six years, and he has been banned from making films for another 20!
Normally, I can’t stand Iran and its filthy Shiite hoards. But I have to hand it to them. After all, a good idea is a good idea, and locking up insolent filmmakers for taking part in public protests is definitely a good idea. His freedom made a mockery of my own situation. Here I sit, an innocent man trapped in a CIA cage, all because I’m a so-called “enemy combatant” who supplied “material support to a conspiracy.” Yet he was free to walk the streets even though he made movies with actual female actors! Well now that tables have turned, haven’t they, Jafar! Allahu Akbar!
By the way, who won The Amazing Race? I hope it wasn’t those awful female doctors. Imagine a woman examining you. How revolting.
Assalamu alaikum,
Jimmy Jihad
The Memphis Grizzlies have signed 7-foot-2 Hamed Haddadi, stealing him away from the Saba 
Battery in the Iranian Super League.
Haddadi, the NBA’s first Iranian player, is poised to explode onto the scene. However, some scouts fear he could turn out to be a disastrous bomb.
“Look, I could be wrong and he could just blow up,” said Percy Watkins, a veteran NBA scout. “But from what I’ve seen so far, I expect to see him self-destruct under the pressure, and possibly take all of Memphis (Grizzlies) with him.”
Despite the lack of solid intelligence, the Grizzlies are confident in their Iran Man. Chris Wallace, the Grizzlies general manager, says he doesn’t expect much fallout from Haddadi, and claims that critics have been unduly harsh.
“I don’t want to make him out to be a martyr just yet, but I think the non-believers should prepare to be shocked and awed,” said Wallace. “With him at center we hope to wipe the rest of our division off the map, god willing.”
Whatever the result, it seems certain that Haddadi will receive an unstable reaction from the Memphis fan base unless he has what it takes to enrich the Grizzlies’ offensive capabilities and deliver a new surge of energy to this depleted franchise.
