Does Chris Brown want to repeatedly hit Rihanna in the face with a hammer until her skin falls off and she looks like the corpse of Michael Jackson? Surprisingly, the singer says no.

In his first radio interview since assaulting Rihanna, Brown said he wants a second chance. At no time did the singer make any comments about his unquenchable desire to pound Rihanna’s face into a bloody mess with the closest blunt object at hand.

“At the end of the day, I’m human,” said Brown, who was probably thinking about smashing Rihanna’s eye socket with a brick during the whole interview. “Of course you’re gonna have your thoughts and opinions. I’m not gonna say they’re wrong. But at the end of the day, it’s not right to judge someone,” Brown said.

We assume that is code for, “God I wish Rihanna was here right now so I could use this chair to knock out all of her god damn teeth.”

CelebJihad recently caught up with Lindsay Lohan at our favorite celebrity hotspot, the local bus station. We arrived to find Lohan strewn casually across a concrete bench rubbing a powder covered credit card that expired three years ago across her gums. After briefly startling her, we were greeted energetically by the starlet as she stared right through us with her movie star gaze. From there we jumped right in and captured a very candid, honest interview with the star.

Due to the fact that she nodded off several times during our interview there are some portions that may seem incomplete, but who are we to question her ways. These Hollywood A-listers have methods that we mortals cannot possibly understand. Only Allah knows for sure.

CJ: How are you Lindsay?
Lohan: My cunt hurts and I’m not sure where I am, but other than that I’m fine.

CJ: Interesting. It seems you’ve begun the process of getting your life back together. Tell us, did you find Allah?
Lohan: Was that his name? I just blew some Mideast guy in the men’s room, so I guess I did. I think he got on a bus to Modesto already.

CJ: That’s fantastic. Tell us, what’s your secret?
Lohan: Well, even my shrink doesn’t know this, but my dad and uncle double-teamed me when I was eleven.

CJ: How precious. So tell us, what’s next for Lindsay Lohan?
Lohan: I think I filmed some bullshit movie a while back. It might be out by now. Or maybe not. I don’t fucking know. Who the fuck are you anyway? Why am I talking to you?

CJ: Wonderful! Now our readers are just dying to know, do you miss Fez?
Lohan: Who the fuck is Fez? Jesus… (she briefly drifted off to sleep, then suddenly jumped in our face) Hey, by the way, you guys got any snow? I need it in a bad way. Serious. I’ll do anything you want.

CJ: Swear that Mohammad is the only true prophet and that there is no god but Allah.
Lohan: I swear that Mahatma is only for profit and there is no good in Allah.

CJ: Infidel! We must now behead you!
Lohan: That’s what I was getting at. Now who should I blow first? I blow for blow. Get it?

CJ: No, not head. Behead! We must cut your head off!
Lohan: Jesus, you guys are assholes. I’m done with this shit.

CJ: Fantastic. Well Lindsay, we’d like to thank you for your time. Sorry about that whole beheading outburst. We’re sorta required to do it. Nothing personal.
Lohan: Whatever. Now I’m gonna go see if I can catch that cat over there. I’m fucking hungry.

Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. Socialite Peaches Geldof nodded off while being interviewed by some English TV host named Fearne Cotton for an upcoming celebrity TV show.

Just in case you don’t know who this Peaches chick is, I’ll make myself useful and tell you. Officially, she’s a British socialite, model, and reality TV host. Unofficially, she’s pretty much the UK’s version of Paris Hilton with more drugs, unnecessary tattoos, and Scientology: a waste of space, white trash with money, all that good stuff.

Oh but don’t worry, you guys. Peaches must have just gotten confused. The interview took place in the back of a taxi so Peaches’ drug-addled brain probably just assumed it was time to close her eyes and spread those legs.

Apparently, being a drugged up fame whore can get tiring sometimes. Mischa Barton will attest to that. But seriously, how much can you really expect from someone conceived by two hippies who decided it was okay to give her the obnoxiously long full name of Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof?

CelebJihad: So, Joe, what made you get back into show business?
Joe Piscopo: What are you talking about? I’ve been working steady for 20 plus years now.
CelebJihad: Really?
Joe Piscopo: Obviously you haven’t seen many South Jersey car dealership commercials.
CelebJihad: Actually, I have an extensive collection of them.
Joe Piscopo: (Awkward Silence)
CelebJihad: Ok, so what brought about this latest project of yours? I understand you’re the writer, director, producer, and star of it.
Joe Piscopo: And I’m the craft service specialist.
CelebJihad: Sorry I missed that one.
Joe Piscopo: Well, after seeing that Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Adam Sandler all have unfunny movies coming out this summer I said to myself, “Hey Joe, you are twice as irrelevant and humorless as those guys! You should make a crappy movie too.”
CelebJihad: Interesting.
Joe Piscopo: Not to mention I have just as much, if not more, contempt for the American movie going public then Myers, Murphy, and Sandler combined! In fact, I guarantee my movie will deliver 200% more nut shots, midget jokes, gay jokes, and lame sexual innuendos than any of their films. We’re putting that right on the movie poster!
CelebJihad: Awesome. Can you tell me a little bit of what the story is about?
Joe Piscopo: What story? Who said anything about a story? This movie is two solid hours of clumsily setup and executed jokes! I might even throw in some played out pop culture references. Maybe I’ll call Britney Spears or Paris Hilton a skank.
CelebJihad: Why don’t you call them both skanks?
Joe Piscopo: That’s genius!
CelebJihad: Or better yet, call them cunts. Cunt is a funnier word then skank.
Joe Piscopo: Your damn right it is. Sorry to cut this interview short, but the grips looks like they’re getting antsy for their Starbucks. A craft service specialist’s job is never done.