With the rumors running rampant that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber is a homosexual he faced them head on in a recent interview telling the reporter “I’m not gay! I’ve grabbed many girls’ c*cks!”
This should finally put to rest those Justin Bieber is gay rumors once and for all. The man clearly loves the ladies, and wants nothing more than to put stuff inside of them. In fact Justin wants it so bad he gets nauseous just thinking about it.
Sure Justin Bieber looks, talks, sings, and dances like he is gay, but believe him when he tells you he just loves girls and their big hard c*cks.
Foppish lady boy Taylor Lautner was photographed on the set of his new movie being shaded by a giant umbrella whilst getting a fan blown in his face.
Apparently while filming a scene Taylor Lautner came down with a case of the “vapors”. He tried dabbing a nice cool wet lace handkerchief to his forehead, but he still felt a swoon coming on.
Taylor was rushed under an umbrella were he was fanned and pampered. Luckily Taylor’s friend Ramon was on set, and he occupanied Taylor to his trailer with an emergency supply of fresh cut strawberries and chilled raspberry wine.
Six hours later Taylor Lautner was able to return work refreshed and relaxed, but with a noticeable limp.
Wow the coming out party for the young gay Disney stars continues. Following in the footsteps of Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez, Zac Efron confessed to Teen Vogue that he is very open to trying gay sex.
In the interview the 22-year-old Zac Efron talked about his new appreciation for sailing,
“I’d been before, but I wasn’t the one doing the sailing. I was playing Game Boy below deck. Now I’ve got such an appreciation for the sport.”
Now if that confession was not gay enough (and packed full of gay innuendos), Zac Efron went on to make another startling confession,
“My checklist is infinite. There’s nothing I wouldn’t try”
Wow how perverse! That was a round about way of doing it, but I am pretty sure that was Zac Efron finally coming out of the closet. However, I think he went a little overboard (pardon the pun) with his “There’s nothing I wouldn’t try” statement.
Until Zac is on the wrong end of some guy peeing on him or a good old fashioned extreme gay kickf*cking then he should not be making such a bold proclamation. Unless of course he has tried those things in which case…
Puberty is a difficult time for most teens. Acne, cracked voices, and strange new feelings can make life extremely awkward. But at the end of the day, puberty is simply your body’s way of growing from a child to an adult. Besides, it happens to everyone….even teen heartthrob Justin Bieber!
That’s right, even Justin faces the challenges associated with puberty. And he wants to let all his fans know that if he can get through it, so can you. That’s why Justin sat down with us to share his wisdom on the subject! So, without further ado, here are Justin Bieber’s tips for surviving puberty.
1. Your balls are gonna grow all big and shit, so make sure to buy yourself some bigger drawers, yo.2. Your pits are gonna stink like my manager’s finger after one of our “coaching sessions.” So be sure to get some Axe for your pits.
3. If you start having a wet dream, ride that shit out. I had a wet dream with Usher in it and it was fantastic!
4. When dating a girl, the urge to explore her body is perfectly natural. I recommend using a hunting knife for exploring those hard to reach places, like the spleen.
5. It’s not a good idea to squeeze or pick at pimples. This practice only makes the acne worse. Try willing them away with the healing power of Kabalah.
6. Sometimes, for no reason, your penis will get hard. Just think about girls and it will go away.
7. During puberty, it’s important to develop your own look. Keep up with the latest fashions and hairstyles by checking magazines like Cosmo and Ranger Rick.
8. Girls who are on their periods should stay within an airtight container for the duration of their
menstruation. Vampires can smell that shit a mile away.9. A girl’s breasts will begin to develop generally between the ages of 8 and 11, so make sure to tap that ass before then. Titties be gross.
10. It’s completely normal to have homosexual thoughts during puberty…at least that’s what Nick Jonas told me during that unforgettable night in Orlando.
For the first time in 50 years Ricky Martin made headlines yesterday with the announcement that he is a “gay”. Nice try Mr Martin but I think I’d know a gay man when I see one and you sir are no gay.
First off you are far too muscly to be a gay. Gays are scrawny, feminine, and limp wristed lady boys. Next your lyrics are overtly heterosexual. I believe the lyrics to your famous hit go “she bangs” not “he dresses very nicely and dabs his delicate mouth with a silk handkerchief”. Finally, you have a tattoo of a naked woman on your shoulder for Christ’s sake!
Why would Ricky Martin pretend to be gay you ask? For many reasons! The most obvious one is to revive his long dead career. Gay is so in right now, it is like the new black. Also now that Ricky Martin is pretending to be gay he can stay a bachelor, and not be forced into the oppressive institution of marriage by the elders of his clan. Finally, now that he is a gay Ricky gets to use the lady’s change room and see tons of boobies.
Shame on you Ricky Martin for pretending to be gay. There are actual celebrities out there that are homosexual like Nick Jonas, and they don’t need you trying to steal their thunder.
Well when you are wrong you are wrong, and boy was I wrong about Nick Jonas. In the past I have suggested that singing sensation Nick Jonas may in fact be a gay, which resulted in angry comments from Nick’s teen girl fans explaining to me that Nick can not possibly be gay because he is “awesome” and that they are planning on marrying him.
Needless to say that I feel pretty foolish now that I’ve seen this picture of Nick Jonas with his man-purse or “murse”. He is the picture of heterosexuality with that thing tossed over his feminine shoulders. I can pretty much guarantee that he uses it for storing firewood, ninja weapons, and shark meat and definitely not for carry around his makeup compact, lip gloss, and lube for getting railed by numerous dudes.
Yes, Nick Jonas is most definitely not gay. He is all about putting things in vaginas. Who knows maybe he’ll shove his murse up a lucky lady. He is just manly enough to do it.
We here at Celeb Jihad have received a lot of flack from smart mouthed teen girls with low self-esteem and even lower spelling skills, ever since we suggested that singer, actor, and all around fancy boy Joe Jonas might be gay or at the very least play for both teams.
Well as if to say “hey you nasty boys at Celeb Jihad I am soooo straight and love women parts” Joe Jonas squeezed into some short shorts and went on a man-date to go buy smoothies.
It takes a big man to admit when you are wrong, so let me be the first to apologize to Joe Jonas and his fans for ever suggesting he was a gay. I now see how awesomely straight he is, and am convinced that after him and his male companion finished off their smoothies they went and sexed a boat load of women. There is no way in hell that they went back to Joe’s place and had a tickle fight, blew each other, then fed each other fresh strawberries out on the lanai.
