American “person” Heidi Montag has recently taken a few moments away from her day job of existing to let everyone know that she was tricked into turning herself into a somehow-more-vapid Barbie doll by her dead plastic surgeon, Frank Ryan. The same dead plastic surgeon Frank Ryan that she referred to as an “angel” when he died in August.

She has since done a heel-turn and claimed that she wouldn’t do the surgery again, her boobs are too big to work out, and that her ten surgeries were “excessive.” In related news, Charlie Sheen has used this logic to sue the US Treasury for printing dollar bills that make cocaine so easy to snort.

At press time, the dead doctor was unavailable for comment.

Let me spell it out for you people. I’ll type s-l-o-w-l-y. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt did NOT split up and they are NOT getting a divorce.

Oh I know they said they are “separating”, but I also have a normal number of chromosomes so I know an obvious publicity stunt when I see one.

Heidi and Spencer’s show “The Hills” gets canceled. Heidi announces she is leaving Spencer, and the very next day she announces that she is getting her own “reality” show on MTV. That doesn’t set off any red flags with you people?

I would bet my collection of goat testicles that Heidi’s show ends in a “cliff hanger” of her deciding whether or not to get back with Spencer. She of course will and the producers will hope that they have a strong enough “girl drama” storyline to carry the ratings through to a 2nd season.

All you stupid Americans who believe celebrity gossip are getting played. You need to open your mind to how the system works. How do you not notice that when actresses have movies coming out that they are suddenly photographed in a bikini spread eagle on a beach or having alleged passionate love affairs with actors who also just so happen to have movies coming out?

The majority of celebrity gossip is planted bullsh*t designed to get you consumed with celebrity lives so that they can sell you crap. Celeb Jihad will continue to expose the truth until you infidels realize that your Zionist masters in Hollywood are making fools out of you, and that there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet.

I don’t think I’m really going out on a limb here by saying this, but Heidi Montag is the most talented comedian of our generation.

She is so committed to her craft that she underwent over a dozen plastic surgery procedures to hilariously alter her appearance and become a walking punchline for all to enjoy.

Now Heidi’s sister Holly is trying to follow in her legendary comedy footsteps by taking to the stage and sharing her ingeniously moronic comic insights in her very own stand-up routine.

See for yourself in the video below of Holly’s performance at the Comedy Store. I think it is safe to say the Montag’s are now the new first family of comedy.

Pictures of “The Hills” star Heidi Montag after having 10 different plastic surgery procedures done to her face and body have been released.

Heidi looks fantastic! Who was the witch doctor that performed these miracles on her face? There is nothing more aesthetically pleasing then a woman who is incapapable of showing any form of expression in her face.

Spencer is a lucky man. Heidi will now be able to sit in quiet regard to her husband, and not risk a lashing for showing a sign of disapproval at his actions. I only hope for Spencer’s sake that one of the 10 plastic surgery procedures Heidi underwent was to have her clit removed. There is nothing like making sweet love to a woman who can achieve no enjoyment as she lies there with a blank look on her face.

One of the perks of being a celebrity is that you get to f*ck pretty much anything you want. Animal, vegetable, mineral, it is all game. So naturally with all that f**king going on celebrities have developed distinct “sex faces”.

We’ve been lucky enough to capture a few on camera, as well as some interesting sexual facts about some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Enjoy!

Name: Mandy Moore
Interesting Sex Fact: Mandy is so uptight in bed that she has yet to achieve orgasm with a man. Horses on the other hand are a different story.

Name: Cameron Diaz
Interesting Sex Fact: Cameron enjoys babbling on about her day during sex.

Name: George Clooney
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the cover over his partners head.

Name: Anne Hathaway
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the covers over her own head.

Name: Gisele Bünchen
Interesting Sex Fact: Gisele favorite sexual move is called “The Dicaprio”… don’t tell Tom.

Name: Amy Winehouse
Interesting Sex Fact: Amy can only achieve orgasm after a vigorous session of anal fisting.

Name: Kristen Stewart
Interesting Sex Fact: During sex Kristen Stewart’s lower lip bites her.

Name: Tiger Woods
Interesting Sex Fact: Tiger Woods likes sex… a lot!

Name: Kristen Bell
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Bell can shoot a ping pong ball 50 feet out of her vah jay-jay

Name: Robert Pattinson
Interesting Sex Fact: Robert’s pubic hair is longer than his penis.

Name: Taylor Lautner
Interesting Sex Fact: Taylor has only 1 testicle, and it is small and misshapen.

Name: Katy Perry
Interesting Sex Fact: Katy tossed a girl’s salad… she didn’t like it.

Name: Heidi Montag
Interesting Sex Fact: Heidi cries during sex, and that just makes Spencer want to f*ck her harder.

Name: Kate Gosselin
Interesting Sex Fact: Kate feels no sensation in her vaginal region anymore.

Name: Justin Timberlake
Interesting Sex Fact: Justin greatly enjoys anal. Receiving not giving.

Name: Miley Cyrus
Interesting Sex Fact: Miley is a screamer. Her dad had to sound proof their house.

As if not enough people in America hated him already, Spencer Pratt has decided to legally change his name to King Spencer Pratt.

He told Us Magazine, “I’ve decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America. I nominate myself for that role.”

He also recently called his douchetastic wife Heidi Montag “the new, modern-day, 2010 Michael Jackson,” on The Hills: The After Show. “Michael Jackson’s in heaven,” he explained. “The Holy Spirit now has extra Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with some of that Michael Jackson divine spirit.”

Heidi Montag Pratt performed at the Miss Universe Pageant last night. And by performed I mean she trotted her horse face around the stage, while lip-syncing to a heavily computerized version of her screeching in a studio. When is Spencer going to do us all a favor and stuff Heidi in a suitcase (just remember to take out her implants bro).

Of course it is possible that Heidi and Spencer are self-aware enough to realize Heidi has absolutely no talent or sex appeal, and since they relish being the bad guys they cooked up this whole Heidi trying to be a pop star thing to mess with us. If this the case then they are geniuses and truly deserve their money and life of leisure.

If you are brave enough here is Heidi’s performance from the Miss Universe Pageant.

Here is what Heidi’s singing sounds like without the aid of computers.

Well the moment we’ve all been dreading is here. Heidi Montag’s Playboy pictures are out, and it is official Hugh Hefner is completely senile.

Hef paid Heidi “Horse Face” Montag to appear in Playboy clothed. If anyone gets even remotely aroused from these pictures you have a problem. A stiff breezes has more of a chance of getting me turned on then these pics do.

Recently Vanessa Hudgen’s and Ashley Greene’s lawyers have contacted me to remove the nude photos I posted of them. I am actually hoping Heidi’s lawyers do the same. In fact, Heidi’s lawyers if you are reading this, here is my email CelebJihad@gmail.com. If you want me to take these down for any reason, and I mean any reason, please contact me and I will comply posthaste.

Celeb Jihad has just learned that Playboy is threatening to unleash a naked Heidi Montag in their September issue. The sight of that horse faced slut showing off her flappy vag will no doubt cause wide spread panic and nausea.

Early reports indicate that this is Hugh Hefner seeking revenge on a world he no longer loves. Our sources close to Hef tell us that he has been extremely bitter ever since he lost his 3 methed-up “girlfriends”. He is especially incensed that the one named Kendra went off with a “colored”.

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