Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…
1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.
2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.
3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.
4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.
5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.
6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.
7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.
8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.
9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.
10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.
11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.
12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”
13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.
14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.
15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.
Special Thanks to Eric Filipkowski and Sam Mechling
Hey folks, Charlie Sheen here. I wrote this article as a guide for you young men and women out there in relationships. You could say I’m kind of an expert on relationships since I’ve had 722 in my 40+ years of living and loving.
First lets define what a relationship is. A relationship is a partnership of 2 people who have ridiculous amounts freaky sex… I’m talking about real nasty filthy stuff… until one party (the male) grows tired of the other party (the female).
Now that we know what a relationship is let’s talk about the most important aspect of any relationship, trust. Trust comes in many forms. Trust is the safety word when things get a little too intense, trust is the filming of degrading acts for future viewing, trust is the releasing of bodily fluids on your partner’s face, I could go on and on.
Since trust is the key component to any healthy relationship you must be constantly working with your partner to develop trust, and avoid losing your partner’s trust at all costs. It has been my experience that a lot of women recklessly lose trust in their male partners. Women are constantly falsely accusing men of ruining the trust in their relationship by cheating. Really this boils down to a lack of understanding on the woman’s part.
The majority of women (my ex-wives included) are painfully uninformed about what actually constitutes cheating. So let me set the record straight once and for all on some common misconceptions about cheating.
Location: If you and your partner are in different countries, time zones, states, area codes, counties, zip codes, congressional districts, towns, school districts, or housing developments it is definitely not cheating. Also if you are banging some 20-something hottie in the pool house while your wife is taking a nap in the bedroom that is not cheating, it is just a poorly executed threesome.
Prostitution: This area has frustrated me to no end in my numerous relationships. If you pay for sex it is not cheating, it is business. Prostitution is a business transaction in which money is exchanged for a service. It is no different then when you ladies go pay for a mani-pedi. You would be perfectly with in your rights to shove one of those Vietnamese girls up your snatch, but I must warn you that, that Charlie won’t feel nearly as good as this one. Bam!
Masturbation: Jerking off on a girl is a real gray area. It is definitely not cheating if the girl is unconscious, you are drunk, or she is a relative of your wife’s visiting for the weekend. However, it is cheating if you finish in the girl’s mouth, but it is not cheating if you finish on her face and some just sort of drips into her mouth. Furthermore it is cheating if the girl scoops it up and eats it, but it is not cheating if she just rubs it into her tits.
Blowjobs: Getting a blowjob is always cheating unless the location rules stated above apply or the girl looks really hungry. You wouldn’t believe the number of half starved girls in LA I have to sustain with my man juice.
To summarize relationships are about having dirty monkey sex with a special someone. If you are ever lucky enough to find a beautiful woman who will fulfil your sickest most perverse fantasies just give her half your stuff and move on. Trust me it is quicker that way.
