Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…
1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.
2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.
3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.
4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.
5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.
6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.
7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.
8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.
9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.
10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.
11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.
12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”
13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.
14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.
15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.
Special Thanks to Eric Filipkowski and Sam Mechling
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Gary Busey is the most interesting man in the world. But unlike the guy from the Dos Equis ad campaign, Gary Busey does not drink beer. He only drinks the wine that he distills from orange peels and motor oil in his bath tub. |
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Before he had a life-altering epiphany, Gary Busey killed an endangered African Elephant with a broken Orangina bottle because he wanted to make a tie rack and a shoe horn out of its tusks (he has since donated them to charity). |
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Growing up in the mountains in Honduras, Gary Busey’s parents had to hire personal security. The 60’s were a crazy time. |
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Sorry to disappoint, but the story about Busey saving those twin babies and their paraplegic Saint Bernard from that gas leak explosion isn’t entirely true. The dog actually had partial mobility in its back legs. |
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Gary Busey had a dream about the invasion of Grenada two years before it happened. No one listened. |
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Gary Busey has a vastly superior sense of vision due to years of honing his expert falconry skills. |
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Gary Busey’s favorite memory was being born> It was really intense. |
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Gary Busey has an immense hatred towards Lance Armstrong for no particular reason. |
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For the last 32 years Gary Busey has worked hard to build an immunity to VX nerve gas. |
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Gary Busey’s most embarrassing memory was when in high school he was visiting the San Diego Zoo and he tripped on the escalator right near the pterodactyl cages. |
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Gary Busey makes all of his own clothes out of recycled helicopter parts. |
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The concept of “Falcor” from “The Never Ending Story” was born from one of Gary Busey’s sketches. |
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One time in Nepal Gary Busey fashioned a barricade from logs, stones and banana leaves and saved a village from a mudslide. |
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Gary Busey sleeps with a sniper rifle and a copy of “Horton Hears A Who” under his bed. |
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Gary Busey always carries a photo of Cap’n Crunch in his wallet. |
10) Gary Busey’s diet consists almost entirely of bark and dolphin meat.
9) In 2004 the city of Newport Beach selected Gary Busey to host the annual Newport Autism Charity Banquet, an honor that caused him to boil his pets in disgust.
8) Gary Busey has a strong fear of the handicapped.
7) Gary Busey will only speak to people who are his exact same height.
6) One of Gary Busey’s favorite pastimes is sneezing in other people’s homes.
5) Gary Busey’s favorite digging stance is orthodox.
4) Gary Busey has binocular vision.
3) Gary Busey has a DNA fetish.
2) A woman once tried to sass Gary Busey for running over her dog. He threw a cup of urine in her face and attempted to baptize her.
1) Gary Busey has fucked over 50 different types of mammals.
