Actor Shia LaBeouf messed with the wrong woman last night, when he and Islamic sex symbol Chaz Bono got into a fight outside a bar.

The fight started when Chaz Bono confronted Shia LaBeouf about his shitty movies, demanding her ticket money back for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”. Shia, who is still under the delusion that his movies don’t suck, took exception to this and challenged the lovely Chaz Bono to “step outside and settle this like men”.

As you can see in the video below Chaz, being a woman not just of considerable beauty but of brawn as well, easily beat down the limp-wristed half Jew actor Shia LaBeouf. A hilarious video and truly a great day for Islam!

So many of the Jersey Shore cast members have great bodies, but only use them to carry on fornicating with feeble-minded American men and women. Ronnie however, appears to have both the body and spirit of a warrior, something that the Allah faithful could really use these days.

Demonstrating Ronnie’s predisposition to fighting is a recent indictment for 3rd-degree assault on a man in 2009. Now, 3rd-degree assault is either 2 degrees more badass than 1st-degree assault or 2 degrees less. We don’t know. We’re not lawyers. In fact, we can’t even read. A young Spanish boy is actually typing this for us.

Anyway…Ronnie. While The Situation’s name inspires fear in even the most hardened men, we feel with Ronnie’s great size, orange hue, and warrior spirit, he may be able to take on the infidels from the inside out. Besides we will not need to outfit him with GPS because we can always see his spiked hair, a beacon of hope and the promise of a better day.

WE LOVE YOU, RONNIE!

Lesbians Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift are apparently having a lovers quarrel, and last night Selena Gomez made it very public by mocking Taylor Swift while performing in concert.

As you can see in the video below Selena Gomez takes a cheap shot at her girlfriend Taylor Swift by singing Taylor’s hit song “You Belong With Me” horribly out of key.

Usually when an artist covers another artist’s song it is a sign of respect, but Selena Gomez is obviously mocking Taylor Swift with this performance. Notice how Selena also bounces around the stage like a fool, further mocking Taylor.

Frankly I find Selena Gomez teasing Taylor Swift like this childish and a little cruel. Sure Taylor Swift sucks as a singer and performer, but Selena Gomez does not need to rub her face in it just because they are a having a lesbian tiff. In the future for our eardrums sake I hope Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift can keep their little lovers quarrels behind closed doors.

Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob in the “Twilight” movie series, got into a confrontation with a small girl at a bowling alley in Inglewood yesterday.

According to witnesses, Taylor Lautner showed up at the bowling alley by himself, and proceeded to loiter in the boy’s bathroom for a good 3 hours. He then was making his way to the exit when a small girl shouted, “Team Edward!”

This apparently struck a nerve with Taylor who confronted the small child and asked her “what the f*ck her problem was”. The girl responded with “You’re my problem f**got and I suggest you gets to stepin before I beat your homo wolf a**.”

A source close to the scene reports that Taylor’s eyes welled up with tears, and it appeared as though he was going to slap the girl. However, the girl’s mother intervened and Taylor Lautner was escorted out of the bowling alley by one of the pimply faced teens that work there.

It looks like Tiger Woods needs a new driver.

In an apologetic statement released today, Woods said that the accident he was in early Friday morning was his fault. Tiger then went on to make a startling confession.

I know there has been a lot of nasty rumors going around about me. Well as this accident plainly shows they are true. I am in fact half-asian, so I am a horrible driver.

Asians have long been known to be a scourge on our nation’s roads. For years Tiger Woods apologists have claimed that being half-black overpowered the horrible driving genes he got from his Asian mother. However after this recent incident we can see that unfortunately for Tiger this is not the case.

No word yet what other parts of Tiger are Asian, but according to sources close to the couple, Tiger and his wife have been fighting a lot recently. This will inevitably lead to further speculation that Tiger Woods is also Asian in the pants.

Robert Pattinson wants to teach you how to beat up dogs! “It is surprisingly easy” says the actor.

What started as a hobby for Pattinson has turned into a full grown obsession.

“Let’s be honest I’m cowardly and feeble, I don’t stand a chance in a fight with most humans. That is why I just love beating up dogs! They are so small and trusting, and they know very little about modern fighting techniques and weapons. After mopping the floor with a mangy mutt I finally feel like a big man.” said RPatz.

Now Robert Pattinson wants to share his love with the world, by teaching everyone about the joys of dog ass-kicking. And what better way to reach the people then a late night infomercial! The infomercial for Robert Pattinson’s “How To Beat Up Dogs” DVD will start airing in early November in select local markets.

“We are concentrating our marketing efforts in the suburbs of Fort Wayne, IN and Great Falls, MO, because we’ve heard that they have some real sass-mouthed canines there that need to be put in their place. But we hope to expand to larger markets like Baton Rogue and Sacramento by Christmas time.”

The Twilight star concluded by saying, “Don’t take guff from dogs like a chump. Buy my DVD today!”

What at first glance just looks like a piss poor attempt at a sex tape, is actually the security camera footage from the night Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis was viciously attacked by Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole.

As this video clearly shows Jayde poured some sort of drink on Francis as he walks by almost drowning the poor man. Courageously he spins around and grabs Jayde Nicole at the bar and self-defensively drags her by her hair across the floor for a few feet.

I love a good girl fight. The only thing this one is missing is titties popping out.