It looks like Tiger Woods needs a new driver.
In an apologetic statement released today, Woods said that the accident he was in early Friday morning was his fault. Tiger then went on to make a startling confession.
I know there has been a lot of nasty rumors going around about me. Well as this accident plainly shows they are true. I am in fact half-asian, so I am a horrible driver.
Asians have long been known to be a scourge on our nation’s roads. For years Tiger Woods apologists have claimed that being half-black overpowered the horrible driving genes he got from his Asian mother. However after this recent incident we can see that unfortunately for Tiger this is not the case.
No word yet what other parts of Tiger are Asian, but according to sources close to the couple, Tiger and his wife have been fighting a lot recently. This will inevitably lead to further speculation that Tiger Woods is also Asian in the pants.
Robert Pattinson wants to teach you how to beat up dogs! “It is surprisingly easy” says the actor.
What started as a hobby for Pattinson has turned into a full grown obsession.
“Let’s be honest I’m cowardly and feeble, I don’t stand a chance in a fight with most humans. That is why I just love beating up dogs! They are so small and trusting, and they know very little about modern fighting techniques and weapons. After mopping the floor with a mangy mutt I finally feel like a big man.” said RPatz.
Now Robert Pattinson wants to share his love with the world, by teaching everyone about the joys of dog ass-kicking. And what better way to reach the people then a late night infomercial! The infomercial for Robert Pattinson’s “How To Beat Up Dogs” DVD will start airing in early November in select local markets.
“We are concentrating our marketing efforts in the suburbs of Fort Wayne, IN and Great Falls, MO, because we’ve heard that they have some real sass-mouthed canines there that need to be put in their place. But we hope to expand to larger markets like Baton Rogue and Sacramento by Christmas time.”
The Twilight star concluded by saying, “Don’t take guff from dogs like a chump. Buy my DVD today!”
What at first glance just looks like a piss poor attempt at a sex tape, is actually the security camera footage from the night Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis was viciously attacked by Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole.
As this video clearly shows Jayde poured some sort of drink on Francis as he walks by almost drowning the poor man. Courageously he spins around and grabs Jayde Nicole at the bar and self-defensively drags her by her hair across the floor for a few feet.
I love a good girl fight. The only thing this one is missing is titties popping out.
