Earlier this week, 2 of Robert Kardashian’s ex-wives claimed that the she-beast known as “Khloe Karadashian” was not the deceased lawyer’s biological daughter. Khloe’s mother Kris Jenner confessed that she had an affair while married to Robert, but stubbornly refuses to admit that Khloe is not his child.
However, earlier today Khloe Kardashian’s real father came forward, and he is none other than famed cereal icon Frankenberry. Of course it is not hard to believe that Frankenberry is Khloe’s real father as they have the exact same nose, eyes, forehead, chin, and insatiable appetite for sugary breakfast cereals.
By admitting to be Khloe Kardashian’s father Frankenberry is bravely shinning a light on one of the darkest periods of his life, telling reporters, “The early 1980′s were a crazy time for me. Monster-themed breakfast cereals were the rage, essentially making me a rock star and I certainly partied like one. I was doing a lot of coke and sleeping with a different woman every night. We all were Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute (RIP). It was the thing to do.”
Frankenberry then went on to recount the night he slept with Khloe’s mother Kris, “To be honest with you I thought she was a man. I mean she looks like a man. I was so coked out at the time I didn’t care, I was just trying to get it in. Of course if I knew then that I was creating something that looked like Khloe I would have pulled out and finished on that bitch’s man face.”
When asked if he was looking to have a relationship with his daughter Khloe Frankenberry responded, “What the hell for? I get drunk and sleep with big ugly whores, I don’t want to be a father to one.”
There has been no response yet from the Kardashians.
Justin Bieber, the name strikes fear in the hearts of men, but was he always the monster despised the world over that he is today?
We ran into the man pictured above leaving a methadone clinic in Santa Clara, and we were immediately struck by his shocking resemblance to Justin Bieber. We abducted him and questioned him for hours. It wasn’t until we performed some light torture on him that he finally admitted the awful truth. He is Justin Bieber’s real father.
There have been many rumors surrounding the whereabouts of Justin Bieber’s dad. Some claim that he took his own life when he heard his only son wanted to become a singer. One of the more ridiculous rumors has Justin Bieber’s father being divorced from his mother, and living in some mythical place known as “Winnipeg”.
However, now we had uncovered the truth. Justin Bieber’s father was in our possession. As we waited for him to regain consciousness (from the light torture) we prepared ourselves to interview the man who spawned the tormentor of our world, Justin Bieber.
When Justin Bieber’s father awoke we immediately pressed him for comment on his famous son. Like a sage he began spouting fatherly wisdom to his long lost son, gems like “Boys should play baseball” and “Heroin is a hell of a drug”.
We decided not to print some of the more personal father son messages (like what to do with a dead hooker’s body) as we will be sending the full transcript to Justin Bieber. We can only hope that hearing from his real dad will make Justin Bieber rethink the destructive life choices he has made, and finally get his act together.
Allahu Akbar!
Chuck Lambert, father of “American Idol” runner up Adam Lambert, is not looking forward to Thanksgiving. Sources close to Chuck, a retired union electrician, say that Adam’s recent performance at the American Music Awards has sent him into a tailspin.
“Ya see that guy on T.V. prancing around like Elton John and making out with other dudes?” said Chuck as he took another swig of his Seagram’s VO Canadian Whiskey. “Yep, that’s my boy!”
With each passing day Chuck seems to grow more and more worried about the upcoming holiday, a fear that is further exacerbated by the constant taunts he receives about Adam from his fellow electricians.
“I mean, what the hell are we going to talk about during dinner?” Chuck said. “Son, I saw you on TV last week at that award show shoving some dude’s face into your cock and balls. That looked like fun, tell me about it. Jesus Christ, what did I do to deserve this?”
Added Chuck, “Why couldn’t he just be one of those normal queers like Tom Brady.”
In an exclusive interview with CelebJihad, Jackson family patriarch Joe Jackson spoke candidly about the loss of his son, and about how his parenting style may have ultimately played a role in Michael’s tragic life and death.
“I’m not one to sit and dwell on the past, but at a time like this, when a father outlives his son, one can’t help but second guess,” said Jackson, speaking to us via cell phone from outside the 4 Play Gentleman’s Club in Los Angeles.
“I can’t help but wonder, if only I had beaten Michael harder, especially during puberty, perhaps he wouldn’t have turned into the grotesque pansexual pill-popping he-she boy lover which he became. If only I would have hit him with smaller tree branches, because the smaller ones hurt more, maybe he would have been normal.”
Jackson also lamented the fact that he did not have a chance for closure with his son.
“Looking back, there are so many unanswered questions,” said Joe. “What is the combination to the safe? Do you have any money hidden in foreign accounts? What’s with all these Jonas Brothers’ DVDs stacked up in that weird dungeon room?”
But despite his troubled past, Joe Jackson is focusing on the future.
“In the end, our lawyers and accountants can figure most of this stuff out, so it ain’t no thaaang!”
Added Joe, “Be sure to visit http://www.hiphopbootcamp.com/ to learn more about my hip hop boot camp. Michael would have wanted it.”
(Video of Joe Jackson – Father of the Year)
