What I thought was a set of pictures of an orca whale devouring a baby seal, turned out to be none other than American Idol season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson’s fat ass in a swimsuit.
With all the tsunamis we’ve been having lately, Kelly Clarkson going into the ocean right now is not just insensitive, but it is down right dangerous. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the water displacement from Kelly Clarkson’s fat ass drowned a whole village in the Pacific somewhere.
Of course Kelly Clarkson’s body is just a reflection of the American aesthetic. There is nothing Americans find more attractive then flabby cellulite ridden women with enormous butts. As Muslims we can not comprehend this sick view, for we demand our women have tight toned bodies suitable for plowing the fields and breeding.
Take a good look at these pictures of Kelly Clarkson’s fat American ass in a swimsuit, for they serve as a warning against hedonistic decadence. We must redouble our Jihad efforts against Western culture, less our holy Islamic women start turning into Kelly Clarkson. Allahu Akbar!
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Disney star Demi Lovato showed off her plump doughy ass in a tight black dress while in concert yesterday.
Demi Lovato is only 18 years old and already her ass is starting to blend in with the fat on her thighs. At the rate Demi is going by the time she is 21 she’ll be wearing mom jeans and driving a minivan to contain her dumpy behind.
Frankly I feel sorry for the thong you can see the outline of through Demi’s dress. Do you have any idea how hard that thong must be working to keep that flabby mass of a butt in place. I suggest that Demi Lovato look into investing in some Spanxs.
Anyway here are the pictures of Demi Lovato’s ass in a tight black dress. Enjoy it now while it still has some semblance of a shape, because soon it is going to turn into a cellulite ridden amorphous blob back there.
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We have just received some breaking news coming off the AP wire, singer and actress Jessica Simpson is still really fat. This should ease the mind of millions of Americans who were no doubt wondering if Jessica Simpson was still a wide load.
Being from the Middle East I can appreciate a really fat woman like Jessica Simpson. Fat women are useful because they are hearty and in times of hardship they can continue to plow the fields feasting on their own fatty tissue for energy. Also in times of extreme hardship they can be roasted on a spit, and provide essential protein for the males of the clan.
Jessica Simpson is certainly stocking up on her fat reserves. Either she expects this to be a long harsh winter or she fears a double dip recession, because she is being extremely mindful to only eat foods with a high caloric content and to live a sedentary life style.
I applaud Jessica Simpson for getting really fat in these difficult times. If things take a turn for the worse Jessica will be able to sustain thousands of lives with her bloated fatty carcass. Allahu Akbar!
Wow leave it to an egomaniac like Demi Lovato to go on a narcissistic rant about how great she is, and how she thinks her fans are fat. In a recent interview Demi Lovato was quoted as saying,
“I want to be able to help other girls come into their own with a strong confidence in their skin, their size, who they are and everything about themselves.”
How presumptuous of Demi to think that a few words from her can trump the time honored tradition of teenage insecurity. Allah made teens awkward and pot marked for a reason, and Demi Lovato thinks she can just snap her fingers and change all that.
Also what does Demi mean by “their size”. I think it is pretty clear that she is hinting that she thinks her fans are fat. How gracious of her to point that out ,and then tell them that she is going to help them feel confident about being porkers.
However, Demi Lovato was not done there, her hubris continued to show as she spouted off absurd statements like,
“I’m learning and dealing with experiences that all teenagers go through”
Oh really Demi? You think the typical teenager is trying to decide whether their next car should be a BMW or an Audi, or if they should summer in the south of France or the Caribbean this year? The nerve of this girl!
Demi’s arrogance continued when she admits she is a terrible person, but that she should be a role model regardless,
“There are ways to be role models without claiming to be perfect… The way I want to be a role model is not by not making mistakes.”
What the hell kind of role model makes mistakes? Has western society fallen to the point were mediocrity is the new role model? I thank Allah every day that I come from a civilized place that still values great individuals. My children only look up to infallible figures, and who knows maybe one day they’ll grow up to be the next Ayman Al-Zawahiri, Fahd Al-Quso, or dare I dream Osama Bin Laden.
Breaking News! Jessica Simpson is totally not fat!
Jessica Simpson (the enormous dark blue blob in the picture above) appeared at the launch party for Dove’s new line of chocolates yesterday. Representatives for Dove were confused at first considering this was a corporate event and Jessica Simpson was not invited. An event spokesperson had this to say,
“She just sort of showed up. We felt bad because she was all dressed up, so we let her stay. She was very enthused about the chocolate.”
In fact Jessica Simpson was so enthused that she single-handedly finished off the numerous samples which were supposed to be for investors and the press. Someone then broke into Dove’s warehouse next door and stole the first national shipment of chocolate, setting back Dove’s planned market release date over a month.
A lot of people have been fingering Jessica for the crime, because they say she is “overweight”. However, I find that racist and extremely offensive. Jessica Simpson is not fat! Sure her body looks like the Michelin Man’s… and her double chin looks like it is about to give to a triplet… and her arms are flabby and they undulate when she moves them… wait were was I going with this?
Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson is not fat! So there!
When you think of Oscar night, images of fake-breasted starlets in low-cut dresses and chiseled–jawed actors in tuxedos probably come to mind. On the contrary, the image of a greased up fatass being wedged into whatever outfit was available at the big-and-tall store usually isn’t associated with the Academy Awards.
But from time to time, someone who looks like they just wandered out of a Walmart parking lot manages to get past security. This year, Gabourey Sidibe, the fat girl from Precious, will waddle down the red carpet, making all the beautiful people uncomfortable. We hope she beats out all the skinny whores she’s up against. We also hope she leaves enough sweat on the stage to make James Cameron slip and do a face plant.
In honor of Gabourey Sidibe and all the non-beautiful people in Hollywood, here are ten fatass Oscar winners. Screw the skinny people!
10. Forest Whitaker – Best Actor, The Last King of Scotland (2007)
Forest Whitaker’s win was a historic moment in our nation’s history. It marked the first time that a fat black man had won an Oscar. Two years earlier, Jamie Foxx was the first black asshole to win the award.
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman – Best Actor, Capote (2006)
In 2006, noted fatass Philip Seymour Hoffman took the Best Actor spot for his role in Capote. Many feel this award was the Academy’s way for apologizing to Hoffman for snubbing his performance as Brandt in The Big Lebowski (1998)
8. Burl Ives – Best Supporting Actor, The Big Country (1958)
One of our favorite fatties on the list, Burl Ives won his Oscar way back in 1958 for a film you’ve never heard of. But, chances are you’ll remember his fatass, or at least his voice, from the Christmas classic, “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” He played the weird, snowman, narrator thingy, and he did a damn good job.
7. Kathy Bates – Best Actress, Misery (1991)
Kathy Bates won her Oscar in 1991 for playing a fatass psychopath. However, we’ll always remember her as the fat old topless woman in About Schmidt (2002).
6. Hattie McDaniel – Best Supporting Actress, Gone with the Wind, 1940
If Gabourey Sidibe does with the Oscar, most people will think she’s the first fat black woman to ever do so. Well, those people will be f*cking wrong. Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar way back in 1940, and she was both fat and black. Way to go, Hattie!
5. Ernest Borgnine – Best Actor, Marty (1956)
Ernest Borgnine is our favorite fatass on this list. He’s a great actor, and he’s not afraid to go on live TV and talk about playing with himself. Also, he embraced his fatness by playing Sgt. ‘Fatso’ Judson in From Hear to Eternity (1953).
4. Francis Ford Coppola – Best Director, The Godfather: Part II (1975)
Francis Ford Coppola has won a total of five Oscars, four of which were related to The Godfather films. In our opinion, at least three of those should have been taken back after The Godfather III was released. Ha! A Godfather III joke! How timely!
3. Peter Jackson – Best Director, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2004)
What list of Fatasses would be complete without the fat hobbit himself, Peter Jackson. He’s an inspiration to slobs with B.O. problems everywhere. Let’s hope District 9 beats out Avatar so we can watch Peter waddle around on stage once more.
2. Marlon Brando – Best Actor, The God Father (1972)
In 1955, when Marlon Brando won his first Oscar for On the Water Front (1954), he was one of the most handsome leading men in Hollywood. Less than 20 years later, when he won the award for his role in The God Father, time had taken its toll. We won’t even get into The Island of Doctor Moreau (1996).
1. Orson Welles – Best Original Screenplay, Citizen Kane (1942)
To be fair, when Orson Welles won his Oscar in 1942, he wasn’t a fat ass. But by the time they gave him an honorary Oscar in 1971, they had to wheel him in on a flatbed truck. But when you’re the most important figure in the history of cinema, its OK if you want to let yourself go. Speaking of, here’s a clip of Welles in his best known role.
Honorable Mention
Marie Dressler – Best Actress, Min and Bill (1931)
Charles Laughton – Best Actor, The Private Life of Henry VIII (1934)
Jane Darwell – Best Supporting Actress, The Grapes of Wrath (1941)
Shelley Winters – Best Supporting Actress, The Diary of Anne Frank (1960)
UPDATE (Thanks, Chris): Michael Moore – Best Documentary Feature, Bowling for Columbine (2003)
Breaking news! American Idol Season 1 winner and famed pop singer Kelly Clarkson is still totally not fat!
Sure her hips are ridiculously wide and testing the will of the denim in her jeans, but that doesn’t mean she is fat. OK yeah her ass is huge, her arms are flabby, and she has a big gut. Oh and her fingers look fat and she is getting multiple chins. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah Kelly Clarkson is not fat!
We caught up with Kelly recently feeding at her potato chip trough (it is actually more of a large tin filled with various flavors of potato chips than an actual trough), and I asked her point blank “What do you have to say to critics out there that think you are getting too big?” You know what she told me? And I’ll never forget her words. Kelly said,
“Nom Nom Nom *slurpy sounds* Nom Nom Nom Nom *gargle*”
Powerful stuff from a talented singer. So think about Kelly’s words the next time you start to think Kelly Clarkson is overweight.
