When you think of Oscar night, images of fake-breasted starlets in low-cut dresses and chiseled–jawed actors in tuxedos probably come to mind. On the contrary, the image of a greased up fatass being wedged into whatever outfit was available at the big-and-tall store usually isn’t associated with the Academy Awards.
But from time to time, someone who looks like they just wandered out of a Walmart parking lot manages to get past security. This year, Gabourey Sidibe, the fat girl from Precious, will waddle down the red carpet, making all the beautiful people uncomfortable. We hope she beats out all the skinny whores she’s up against. We also hope she leaves enough sweat on the stage to make James Cameron slip and do a face plant.
In honor of Gabourey Sidibe and all the non-beautiful people in Hollywood, here are ten fatass Oscar winners. Screw the skinny people!
10. Forest Whitaker – Best Actor, The Last King of Scotland (2007)
Forest Whitaker’s win was a historic moment in our nation’s history. It marked the first time that a fat black man had won an Oscar. Two years earlier, Jamie Foxx was the first black asshole to win the award.
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman – Best Actor, Capote (2006)
In 2006, noted fatass Philip Seymour Hoffman took the Best Actor spot for his role in Capote. Many feel this award was the Academy’s way for apologizing to Hoffman for snubbing his performance as Brandt in The Big Lebowski (1998)
8. Burl Ives – Best Supporting Actor, The Big Country (1958)
One of our favorite fatties on the list, Burl Ives won his Oscar way back in 1958 for a film you’ve never heard of. But, chances are you’ll remember his fatass, or at least his voice, from the Christmas classic, “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” He played the weird, snowman, narrator thingy, and he did a damn good job.
7. Kathy Bates – Best Actress, Misery (1991)
Kathy Bates won her Oscar in 1991 for playing a fatass psychopath. However, we’ll always remember her as the fat old topless woman in About Schmidt (2002).
6. Hattie McDaniel – Best Supporting Actress, Gone with the Wind, 1940
If Gabourey Sidibe does with the Oscar, most people will think she’s the first fat black woman to ever do so. Well, those people will be f*cking wrong. Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar way back in 1940, and she was both fat and black. Way to go, Hattie!
5. Ernest Borgnine – Best Actor, Marty (1956)
Ernest Borgnine is our favorite fatass on this list. He’s a great actor, and he’s not afraid to go on live TV and talk about playing with himself. Also, he embraced his fatness by playing Sgt. ‘Fatso’ Judson in From Hear to Eternity (1953).
4. Francis Ford Coppola – Best Director, The Godfather: Part II (1975)
Francis Ford Coppola has won a total of five Oscars, four of which were related to The Godfather films. In our opinion, at least three of those should have been taken back after The Godfather III was released. Ha! A Godfather III joke! How timely!
3. Peter Jackson – Best Director, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2004)
What list of Fatasses would be complete without the fat hobbit himself, Peter Jackson. He’s an inspiration to slobs with B.O. problems everywhere. Let’s hope District 9 beats out Avatar so we can watch Peter waddle around on stage once more.
2. Marlon Brando – Best Actor, The God Father (1972)
In 1955, when Marlon Brando won his first Oscar for On the Water Front (1954), he was one of the most handsome leading men in Hollywood. Less than 20 years later, when he won the award for his role in The God Father, time had taken its toll. We won’t even get into The Island of Doctor Moreau (1996).
1. Orson Welles – Best Original Screenplay, Citizen Kane (1942)
To be fair, when Orson Welles won his Oscar in 1942, he wasn’t a fat ass. But by the time they gave him an honorary Oscar in 1971, they had to wheel him in on a flatbed truck. But when you’re the most important figure in the history of cinema, its OK if you want to let yourself go. Speaking of, here’s a clip of Welles in his best known role.
Honorable Mention
Marie Dressler – Best Actress, Min and Bill (1931)
Charles Laughton – Best Actor, The Private Life of Henry VIII (1934)
Jane Darwell – Best Supporting Actress, The Grapes of Wrath (1941)
Shelley Winters – Best Supporting Actress, The Diary of Anne Frank (1960)
UPDATE (Thanks, Chris): Michael Moore – Best Documentary Feature, Bowling for Columbine (2003)
Breaking news! American Idol Season 1 winner and famed pop singer Kelly Clarkson is still totally not fat!
Sure her hips are ridiculously wide and testing the will of the denim in her jeans, but that doesn’t mean she is fat. OK yeah her ass is huge, her arms are flabby, and she has a big gut. Oh and her fingers look fat and she is getting multiple chins. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah Kelly Clarkson is not fat!
We caught up with Kelly recently feeding at her potato chip trough (it is actually more of a large tin filled with various flavors of potato chips than an actual trough), and I asked her point blank “What do you have to say to critics out there that think you are getting too big?” You know what she told me? And I’ll never forget her words. Kelly said,
“Nom Nom Nom *slurpy sounds* Nom Nom Nom Nom *gargle*”
Powerful stuff from a talented singer. So think about Kelly’s words the next time you start to think Kelly Clarkson is overweight.
Kelly Clarkson was at the American Music Awards last night looking totally not fat. OK so her arms are huge… and her legs… and her face, stomach, thighs, and chest. That doesn’t mean Kelly Clarkson is fat!
I’d describe Kelly as “comfortable”. She looks like a plush sofa, or a warm bath. You know something you’d just want to ease into and relax.
In unrelated news, the backstage buffet table was reportedly ravaged by an unnamed artists. Hungry stars like Taylor Swift had to scrounge around just to find a handful of grapes (luckily that is Taylor’s normal dinner).
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has lashed out at those who call her fat sister Jessica fat.
Speaking to Women’s Health magazine, Ashlee said, “It’s disgusting that people would say those things. My fat sister has an incredible body. I feel sorry for anyone who would judge her, because she’s one sexy fat lady.”
We here at CelebJihad would like to apologize to Ashley Simpson-Wentz for calling her fat sister fat. We would also like to apologize to Jessica Simpson for calling her stupid sister Ashley an annoying cancer on the colon that is the entertainment industry.
Breaking news! Kelly Clarkson is still fat!
Celeb Jihad was first to report Kelly Clarkson was fat a few months ago. Now we are shocked to find that we are still right.
The picture above is a very recent picture of Kelly Clarkson. As you can see the singer is wandering around looking for salad dressing to pour into her “feeding bowl”. To the left an assistant hands Kelly her 2 o’clock bag of potato chips.
Many Kelly Clarkson apologists will unjustly attack me and say things that don’t make any sense like “she still looks good” and “she’s not fat”. To them I present the following before and after photo.
Now tell me Kelly hasn’t become Fattie McFatso!
Actually we have pinpointed the exact moment Kelly went from being “chunky” into full on lard ass here.
Notice how she dislocates her jaw like a python so she can swallow the hot dog faster.
It is a shame that Kelly Clarkson has gotten so fat, because she is a good singer. Now no one will listen to her music. There is nothing the American public hates more than celebrities that look like, well, average Americans.
Americans only like celebrities that make them feel inferior and physically inadequate, so they have someone to look up to and emulate. It is pretty pathetic actually.
Jennifer Love Hewitt continued her campaign to make girls feel like crap about their bodies in this month’s issue of Shape magazine.
As the picture above clearly shows Jennifer went on an airbrush diet for the cover. The bikini picture above is from just a few weeks ago. The only way she could have lost that many inches off her hips and thighs is if she contracted some sort of malicious gut worm.
So which is it Jennifer Love Hewitt, are you ashamed of your body despite all your claims that you are “proud of how you look”, or do you have worms?
Look at this topless pic of a fat Kevin Federline. Going out in public looking like that he is just asking to be mocked. Here are some Kevin Federline fat jokes.
- It is nice to see that K-Fed is finally growing as a person.
- He should change his name to K-Overfed.
- Not shown in this picture is his trainer feeding him fish from a bucket.
- Kevin Federline? More like Kevin Fatterline or Kevin Federflab.
- Does this bathing suit make me look fat? No K-Fed daylight makes you look fat.
- They say the camera adds 10 pounds. If that is the case then K-Fed must have eaten 10 cameras.
- Greenpeace should be circling him in inflatable boats.
If you got any to add leave them as comments below.
