Lock up your whores Tiger Woods is going to be released from sex rehab later today. Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren is already in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick him up.

After completely 3 months of sex rehab were he constantly talked about his deepest darkest sexual urges but was not allowed to act on them Tiger is back on the prowl. I fully expect him to either hit up South Beach or Las Vegas, and bang the first big breasted white trash woman he sees so damn hard her uterus drops out of her vag.

Of course he has learned from his past mistakes and will use protection, and by protection I mean making the whores sign legally binding confidentiality agreements before he violently penetrates them.

I think Tiger’s wife Elin has come to accept that a Tiger can’t change his stripes, and she feels she has succfiently saved what little pride she has by beating his ass on Thanksgiving then making him complete sex rehab. She will now assume the possition of Tiger Woods’ “bottom bitch” and be damn well grateful for the opportunity.

Tiger Woods and his estranged wife Elin Nordegren have been cast in a new movie. The film which is scheduled to begin shooting in February is a sequel to the popular “Broke Back Mountain” franchise tentatively titled “Broke Black Golfer”.

In the movie Tiger will play a cowboy golfer with a penchant for whores… lots of whores. Elin will play his cowgirl wife who is stuck at the ranch watching the little ones as Tiger goes out on his late night “roundups”.

The movie’s climax comes when a group of bandits storm the ranch while Tiger is in town fingering a bar maid. Elin fights them off with her trusty 9-iron. When Tiger returns home stinking of cigarettes and Astroglide Elin has finally had enough and she smashes Tiger’s face with a 3-wood. The movie ends with Elin divorcing Tiger and getting a 300 million dollar settlement. It’s a real tearjerker.

Celeb Jihad has just learned that Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren has moved past the “I’m pissed as sh*t” stage, and on to the revenge stage of dealing with her husband’s infidelities.

According to a source close to Elin she is making plans to have revenge sex with a number of Tiger’s fellow golfers. We then threatened the source with a Jihad if she would not produce the list. This is what she gave us.

The following is a list of golfers Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren plans on letting fill her holes.

	Vijay Singh – Vijay has long been hated by Woods for trying to steal his thunder as the top racially confused golfer in the world. Elin sees Vijay as the perfect starting point for her revenge sex marathon. Plus she already has picked out the perfect pickup line “Vijay get in my Vah Jay Jay”
	Phil Mickelson – Phil is use to coming in behind Tiger. He has been the #2 golfer in the world for years now. It will be sweet revenge for him to say “Hey I f*cked your wife” after finishing 2nd to Tiger in the majors next year. Plus his wife has tit cancer so he’s probably not getting any at home.
	Sergio Garcia – Elin is convinced this Spanish golfer will be great in bed. Sergio is famous for taking an excessive amount of time before every shot. If that translates into the bedroom then Elin could be in for a long night of sweet sweet love making.
	Fuzzy Zoeller – After the Masters in 1997 Fuzzy referred to Tiger Woods as “that little boy” and urged him not to order fried chicken or collard greens for the Champions Dinner next year. How pissed is Tiger going to be when he finds out that old Fuzzy birdied his wife’s hole.
	John Daly – John likes to hit it long and hard. Elin thinks this chain smoking, binge drinking, bad boy of golf is the perfect counter balance to Tiger’s taste in porn stars.
	Jack Nicklaus – Tiger Woods’ life ambition has been to one day beat Jack Nicklaus’ all time career major wins record. Whether Tiger is able to or not will become a moot point once Jack f*cks Tiger’s wife and f*cks her good. Elin can not wait to get plowed by this “golden bear”.

I’ve had about all I can take of the Tiger Woods bashing going on in the media these days. Last time I checked Muhammad had 11 wives, and he was a pretty good guy.

The real problem is Tiger’s #1 wife Frau Elin “Ice Pussy” Nordegren. It has now been confirmed that Elin hit Tiger in the face with a golf club knocking out a tooth before he crashed his car. How a limp-wristed woman was able to lift and swing a golf club, let alone have the mental capacity to figure out how to work the “blasted contraption” is astonishing in itself. However, the fact that Tiger didn’t immediately disarm her and sodomize right there on the spot for even touching his property is what is really beyond belief!

I blame Oprah and her feminist ilk for filling women’s heads with a lot of non sense about equality. The Qur’an is pretty clear about a woman’s place. She is a baby factory that must maintain her usefulness by cooking and cleaning, less she be cast out into the desert for a younger firmer model. If Elin had been on her knees every night taking care of business Tiger wouldn’t have been forced to subject himself to second rate stank puss.

I think it is pretty obvious that Elin has failed in her a marital duties. If this country was civilized and just like the glorious nation of Afghanistan, Tiger would be able to return Elin to her father with nothing but the clothes on her back. Her father would then lash her 30 times for failing as a wife, and force her to go back to fellating her Uncle Ahmed until she learned to do the damn thing right.

In preparation for his upcoming divorce Tiger Woods has sought the help of the medical community to justify his adulterous actions. CelebJihad has obtained an official diagnosis that found Woods is a victim of “restless 3rd leg syndrome,” a disease commonly found in men over 30 that frequently travel and engage in contact with cocktail waitresses.

The official syndrome is described as a sleep disorder characterized by 3rd leg discomfort during sleep, which can only be relieved by finding a warm pocket of strange and banging away at it. Victims of this disorder are known to be so affected that they will risk a billion dollar empire in exchange for a five-minute romp with a skanky restaurant hostess.

Woods is expected to use this diagnosis in divorce court to prove that he was not at fault in the destruction of his marriage and blame his wife, Elin, for not supporting him in his battle with the disease.

Check out these pictures of Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren in a bikini. No wonder Tiger was cheating on her! Any wife that would pose in seductive pictures like these is no better than a common jezebel.

Of course if this was a progressive country like Iran, Tiger would have been able to lash Elin, and then cast her out into the desert for being a whore who shows no regard for her husband. But no you backwards Western countries with your sissy domestic abuse laws won’t allow that.

Tiger’s marital bed was already defiled. He had no choice but to seek out other places to lay his head… and his c*ck.

Elin Nordegren, the wife of professional golf sensation Tiger Woods, is being hailed as a hero today after using a golf club to rescue a group of third graders who were trapped in a burning building. On Friday, Nordegren used the same golf club to free her husband from the wreckage of a car accident, making this her second golf-club related rescue in less than a week.

The children involved in the incident were on a field trip to a hog-rendering plant directly across the street from Woods and Nordegren’s home. The students and their chaperon became trapped when an electrical fire broke out, blocking the only exit. The children tried in vain to escape through a window, only to find that it had been painted shut. Luckily, Nordegren happened upon the scene with her golf club and smashed the window open. She then continued on, smashing every window within a three block radius, just to be sure.

Firefighters on the scene say that if Nordegren had not been in the area with the golf club, the children would have surely died.

“A lot of lives were saved by that brave woman and her trusty golf club,” said firefighter Joe Elipani. “She was so focused, so determined when she broke that window. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was deranged.”

Although she was not available for comment, sources close to Nordegren say she is exploring other ways in which she can save lives, including the possibility of using her golf club to screen Rachel Uchitel for brain tumors.