The geniuses behind Twilight have decided to squeeze the last bit of blood from the franchise by launching a line of feminine hygiene products featuring the characters from the series.
The company specifically hopes that the Edward Cullen line of super absorbment tampons will be a hit with the ladies. The tampons will feature a picture of Edward on the cover with the beautifully romantic saying “A drink would not be enough… Only I must absorb your blood.” If that were not enough the tampons come with a fang shaped applicator.
“It feels like Edward is drinking my menstrual blood… so romantic!” exclaimed Deborah Gibson a 34-year-old housewife from Akron Ohio, and part of the Twilight tampon test group. “I use to dread my monthly visitor now I look forward to it. Once a week every month I get to feel like Bella. It is amazing!”
The company hopes to have the Twilight tampons on shelves nationwide by the end of July.
Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.
Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.
I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.
CelebJihad has just received these exclusive Twilight New Moon promotional photos, and we could not wait to share them with our fellow “Twihards”. Since no one has seen the movie yet, and I am probably the biggest Twihard in the world I will be providing captions for each photo describing what is going on in the scene pictured.
Angry that her Dad missed her ballet recital when she was 7, Bella seeks out the town’s black man and his “low hanging fruit” for comfort.
In the movie’s only scat scene. Edward smears feces on Bella’s face.
Bella is badly injured after trying to redecorate a gay man’s condo.
The cast relaxing before the movie’s big orgy scene.
After a night of drinking Mad Dog 20/20 Bella gives Jacob a handjob in his truck.
Bella farts in a crowded movie theater.
Bella about to be gang banged by a group of shirtless Mexicans.
Jacob flirts with Bella to make his crush Edward jealous.
Bella’s friend explains to her the joys of anal love making.
Bella’s dad gives her a picture of his balls and a 1st edition copy of the classic novel “Lolita” for her sweet 16th birthday.
