Good news! Based on this picture of Michael Douglas it is pretty obvious that Catherine Zeta Jones will soon be single.

Michael Douglas was recently diagnosed with throat cancer. Probably because he is part Jew and Allah wanted to punish him. Once Michael Douglas is dead (which should be any day now), Catherine Zeta Jones will finally be free to marry a strong Muslim man.

How Michael Douglas tricked Catherine Zeta Jones into marrying him has always been a mystery, but I firmly believe large amounts of opiates and death threats must have been involved.

Thankfully Michael Douglas will soon be burning in the eternal hellfire for his sinful Jewish ways. Praise be to Allah in his infinite wisdom for giving him cancer and setting Catherine Zeta Jones free. Allahu Akbar!

Kanye West strikes again upstaging Patrick Swayze’s death! In a move that shocked onlookers, the hip-hop superstar interrupted the dying Swayze just as he started his goodbye speech to the world.

Kanye just could not contain himself and had to point out that though he likes Patrick Swayze’s death, Michael Jackson’s death was much better.

Dying is so hot right now. Just ask Paris Hilton. The socialite has made her career on being on the forefront of trends in Hollywood, and she has definitely picked up on the latest “IT” move.

“Death, that’s hot!” said Paris outside of Nobu yesterday. “When I heard David Carradine and Ed McMahon had I died, I thought TACKY. But after hearing about Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson’s death, I started thinking, ‘Maybe there is something to this whole death thing after all’”.

So what finally moved death from fad to fab for Paris? “It was Billy Mays dying. That’s when I knew that death was the new black.”

Paris says the details are still being worked out on how she will meet her demise, but she is going to take some tips from other celebs recent deaths. “I know I want my heart to explode. Possibly while I have a zucchini or a large rodent stuffed up my snatch. Not quite sure yet which. You’ll have to wait and see.”

I do not know what would be more appropriate right now then jokes about Michael Jackson dying. If you have any to add do so in the comments section.

• Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.
• Because Jackson’s body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into legos, this way kids can play with him for a change.
• Reports that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue… He actually died having a stroke in the children’s ward.
• In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.
• In accordance with Michael Jackson’s will, little boys’ pants shall be flown at half-mast today.
• Doctors are looking into claims that MJ’s death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating 12 year old nuts.
• I heard Michael Jackson died of food poisoning from eating a 5 year old wiener.
• Micheal jackson will always be with us… he is not biodegradable.
• Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
• MJ’s dying wish was to be melted down and turned into straws so he can still get sucked on by kids.
• It has been released that MJs last wish was that he wants to be melted down and made into a slide so kids can go down on him forever.
• In memory of MJ’s death, McDonald’s is coming out with the new “McJackson”. It’s 50 year old meat between 12 year old buns.
• Michael Jackson’s ashes are going to be put in an Etch A Sketch so kids can still twiddle his knob.
• Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.
• Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich white woman.
• Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.
• Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!
• Michael Jackson’s last words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital!”
• What was Michael Jacksons last hit? The floor!
• Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn’t have looked at the man in the mirror.