After years of avoiding it out of stubborn vanity, Heidi Klum finally went to the optometrist this weekend, and is now divorcing Seal, her pot-marked oil spill of a husband.
No one knows for sure why Heidi Klum is filing for divorce from Seal, but it is safe to assume that it probably has something to do with her no longer being legally blind.
This divorce could get messy as Seal is the biological father of 3 of Heidi’s children, and the adopted father of Leni, Heidi’s white daughter from a previous marriage. However, Heidi is expected to offer to trade Seal the rights to the 3 darkies and the summer house in Malibu in exchange for Leni.
Closeted British homosexual Russell Brand blindsided wife Katy Perry when he filed for divorce Friday December 30th citing irreconcilable differences. “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage,” he said in a statement to PEOPLE “I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.”
Feeling betrayed Katy Perry did what any desperate, attention starved infidel whore would do, she released a statement of her own, to an unknown source saying, “I gave my heart, soul, and ass virginity to a man that didn’t appreciate me and filed for divorce behind my back like a coward.”
An off the record comment was overheard when Perry joked with fellow pop star whore and friend Rihanna about leaking a sex tape starring Brand and herself which Katy described as “A visual exploration of a rape fantasy meets an aristocrats joke.” adding that “I have nothing to remember him by except this video and the occasional genital herpes outbreak, but I’m going to make HIM remember me forever”
No word yet on when the Katy Perry Russell Brand sex tape will be leaked, but I for one will welcome it’s release with open eyes, a bottle of camel spit, and a steady hand.
After reportedly receiving $15.4 million from CBS to star on the hit TV show “Two And A Half Men”, Ashton Kutcher can finally afford to move out of his mom Demi Moore’s house.
This move comes as no surprise as it has been rumored for months that Ashton might make a break from his mother. Especially since Ashton and Demi have been at each others’ throats about Ashton going out to bang random whores before he finishes his chores.
Ashton Kutcher will definitely enjoy his long overdue freedom from his overbearing mother Demi. Hopefully in the next year or so they can mend their broken relationship somewhat for Demi looks weathered, frail, and not long for this world.
There are a lot of rumors surrounding the reason behind Kim Kardashian ending her marriage to Kris Humphries after just 72 days. Some say that the marriage was a sham for money and publicity, others that Kris was too controlling of Kim, but clearly the most probable reason for the divorce is that Kim Kardashian thinks Kris Humphries is just “too damn white”.
Before Kim would even consider dating Kris he had to assure her that he was simply “light skinned” and not a white guy. The fact that he played basketball and was inattentive to her needs helped him pull off the illusion. The first red flag for Kim came when Kris proposed to her. What self-respecting black man would willingly enter into a commitment like marriage without the need to reduce child support payments to his baby mama?
Kim Kardashian ignored this early warning sign and continued on with the wedding. Unfortunately this was just the beginning of Kris’ whiteness rearing its ugly head. During their honeymoon phase Kris acted especially white, he was thoughtful and appeared to be enjoying himself while spending time with Kim, to her dismay.
However, the last straw for Kim came 2 days ago when Kris had sex with her in the missionary position, (instead of the usual doggystyle) and he actually seemed to like it. It was then that Kim finally came to the horrible realization that she had married a honky. Disgusted with herself she rushed to file for divorce yesterday morning.
The future King of England has already dug himself a royal hole by giving into the lascivious desires of his first wife, Kate Middleton.
Prince William decided not to sign a prenuptial agreement before their wedding, effectively sealing his demise and further proving that he is a weak man undeserving of Allah’s love.
As evidenced by Kate’s lack of a burka and her tendency to wear skirts that come well above her ankles, there is no denying that she is one money hungry floozy (and I have met my fair share).
Patrick Jephson, who was Princess Diana’s former private secretary, stated, “If [Kate] was my sister, I’d tell her to get a good prenup. Kate’s not just going into a marriage, she’s going into a business.”
In spite of his ties to the notorious whore Diana, we agree with what the British enemy says. After all, what’s a marriage if not for the business of populating the world with more loyal jihadists?
Without a prenup both Kate and William have left themselves dangerously exposed. For instance if Kate fails to provide a male heir and William has to dispose of her, they are both going to be kicking themselves for not having the manner of her disposal in writing as it can get quite messy. Allahu Akbar!
Well, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson lasted as long as they could, but they’re calling their marriage quits after a couple of years. It’s unknown exactly where it all went wrong, but it’s safe to say that the marriage was doomed when everyone realized that Pete Wentz was going to wed a woman.
It will probably take a few months to sort out ownership of the various hair straightening products and dildos, but after that, all parties involved should be ready to move on for the sake of the unfortunately-named Bronx Mowgli Simpson Wentz. Ugh.
The best part about the divorce is that, if only for a minute, we will get the worst celebrity dad of them all, Joe Simpson, back in our lives. He’ll probably disclose that the troubles started when Pete told him in confidence that his daughter had a corkscrew-shaped cervix that made making love not only difficult, but downright painful. Look for that statement and more on the cover of next week’s US Weekly.
In 2002 music producer Jason Bratman bewitched Christina Aguilera with his Jew magic. Over the next 8 years she suffered unimaginable horrors in the clutches of this covetous Jew, only to finally break his Jew spell and escape earlier today.
We can only imagine the nightmare Christina Aguilera had to endure the last 8 years. It has definitely taken a toll on her as she has lost her sex appeal and the little musical talent she once possessed. I think when she recovers enough to recount her story the world will be shocked by what she went through.
Let Christina Aguilera serve as an example to all you young girls trying to make it in show business. Turn back know and accept Allah as your lord and master before it is too late and a Jew sucks the life right out of you.
