Infidel fitness guru Jack LaLanne’s untimely death at the age of 96 proves once and for all that diet and exercise is futile.

Jack LaLanne was a heretical kuffar who is no doubt roasting in the eternal hellfire. The only exercises the Qur’an makes mention of is prostrating yourself to Allah, and slaughtering the infidels in a righteous Jihad. Nowhere does it mention lifting weights, jumping jacks, or squats.

Jack LaLanne also committed heresy in his diet, recommending that people eat a high protein low carb diet. I have never heard any eating habits more ridiculous and offensive to Islam. The Qur’an is very clear that the only “diet” people should be concerned with is the avoidance of filthy pig meats. Carbs are fine and to state otherwise is blasphemy.

Though Muhammad only lived to be 63 years old, it was not his health that gave way, it was because he was poisoned by the Jews for he righteously slaughtered many of them. If he had not been poisoned he would have easily lived to be at least 200, and could probably bench press 50 dead Jews even on his death bed.

That is way better than anything Jack LaLanne could do even in his prime. Think about that next time you want to drop a few pounds. Islam is the only diet you need. Allahu Akbar!

We have just received some breaking news coming off the AP wire, singer and actress Jessica Simpson is still really fat. This should ease the mind of millions of Americans who were no doubt wondering if Jessica Simpson was still a wide load.

Being from the Middle East I can appreciate a really fat woman like Jessica Simpson. Fat women are useful because they are hearty and in times of hardship they can continue to plow the fields feasting on their own fatty tissue for energy. Also in times of extreme hardship they can be roasted on a spit, and provide essential protein for the males of the clan.

Jessica Simpson is certainly stocking up on her fat reserves. Either she expects this to be a long harsh winter or she fears a double dip recession, because she is being extremely mindful to only eat foods with a high caloric content and to live a sedentary life style.

I applaud Jessica Simpson for getting really fat in these difficult times. If things take a turn for the worse Jessica will be able to sustain thousands of lives with her bloated fatty carcass. Allahu Akbar!

Breaking News! Jessica Simpson is totally not fat!

Jessica Simpson (the enormous dark blue blob in the picture above) appeared at the launch party for Dove’s new line of chocolates yesterday. Representatives for Dove were confused at first considering this was a corporate event and Jessica Simpson was not invited. An event spokesperson had this to say,

“She just sort of showed up. We felt bad because she was all dressed up, so we let her stay. She was very enthused about the chocolate.”

In fact Jessica Simpson was so enthused that she single-handedly finished off the numerous samples which were supposed to be for investors and the press. Someone then broke into Dove’s warehouse next door and stole the first national shipment of chocolate, setting back Dove’s planned market release date over a month.

A lot of people have been fingering Jessica for the crime, because they say she is “overweight”. However, I find that racist and extremely offensive. Jessica Simpson is not fat! Sure her body looks like the Michelin Man’s… and her double chin looks like it is about to give to a triplet… and her arms are flabby and they undulate when she moves them… wait were was I going with this?

Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson is not fat! So there!

Wow check out the new and improved skinny 50 Cent. He looks great!

After years of struggling with his weight and diets, 50 Cent (slave name Curtis Jackson) has finally found the secret to a sexy bikini body guys would kill for.

According to 50 Cent his amazing weight loss was due to a strict liquid diet, and walking nine miles a day. 50 Cent would not divulge which liquids in particular he was using, but we here at Celeb Jihad are ready to speculate that it was probably liquid meth.

However he lost the weight, I think we can all agree that 50 Cent looks amazing. You go boy!

These pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio were taken a mere 18 months after giving birth.

Notice how even after having a kid her body is still hotter than any woman you know. What is her secret? Was it breastfeeding? Maybe. Drinking the afterbirth in a smoothie? Perhaps. A healthy diet and exercise? Doubtful.

My guess is that Alessandra Ambrosio was never preggers at all. She faked the whole thing, so when she stole her baby from that homeless teen girl know one would question her. To be honest it doesn’t really matter because Alessandra Ambrosio looks hot in these pictures modeling Victoria’s Secret “Secret Moments” lingerie.

Breaking news! American Idol Season 1 winner and famed pop singer Kelly Clarkson is still totally not fat!

Sure her hips are ridiculously wide and testing the will of the denim in her jeans, but that doesn’t mean she is fat. OK yeah her ass is huge, her arms are flabby, and she has a big gut. Oh and her fingers look fat and she is getting multiple chins. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah Kelly Clarkson is not fat!

We caught up with Kelly recently feeding at her potato chip trough (it is actually more of a large tin filled with various flavors of potato chips than an actual trough), and I asked her point blank “What do you have to say to critics out there that think you are getting too big?” You know what she told me? And I’ll never forget her words. Kelly said,

“Nom Nom Nom *slurpy sounds* Nom Nom Nom Nom *gargle*”

Powerful stuff from a talented singer. So think about Kelly’s words the next time you start to think Kelly Clarkson is overweight.

Breaking news! Kelly Clarkson is still fat!

Celeb Jihad was first to report Kelly Clarkson was fat a few months ago. Now we are shocked to find that we are still right.

The picture above is a very recent picture of Kelly Clarkson. As you can see the singer is wandering around looking for salad dressing to pour into her “feeding bowl”. To the left an assistant hands Kelly her 2 o’clock bag of potato chips.

Many Kelly Clarkson apologists will unjustly attack me and say things that don’t make any sense like “she still looks good” and “she’s not fat”. To them I present the following before and after photo.

Now tell me Kelly hasn’t become Fattie McFatso!

Actually we have pinpointed the exact moment Kelly went from being “chunky” into full on lard ass here.

Notice how she dislocates her jaw like a python so she can swallow the hot dog faster.

It is a shame that Kelly Clarkson has gotten so fat, because she is a good singer. Now no one will listen to her music. There is nothing the American public hates more than celebrities that look like, well, average Americans.

Americans only like celebrities that make them feel inferior and physically inadequate, so they have someone to look up to and emulate. It is pretty pathetic actually.

Jessica Simpson vows to be thin again! Sure Tony Romo deserves the bulk of the credit for dumping her, but I can not help but feel that my constant ridicule of her fat ass may have a played a small part. So kudos to me!

According to a friend of Jessica, “Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back,’ She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.”

“Jess is serious about getting her body back into fighting shape,” the buddy continues. “Working out is helping to give her focus and clear her head. It’s better than sitting around moping or throwing pity parties with ice cream sundaes.”

I really don’t care how many times Jessica has to stick her finger down her throat to lose the weight just so long as she does. It is like I tell my pregnant wives, “don’t tell me about the pain just show me the baby!” Lets celebrate with some pics of what we have to look forward to. A hot thin Jessica Simpson!