Breaking news! American Idol Season 1 winner and famed pop singer Kelly Clarkson is still totally not fat!

Sure her hips are ridiculously wide and testing the will of the denim in her jeans, but that doesn’t mean she is fat. OK yeah her ass is huge, her arms are flabby, and she has a big gut. Oh and her fingers look fat and she is getting multiple chins. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah Kelly Clarkson is not fat!

We caught up with Kelly recently feeding at her potato chip trough (it is actually more of a large tin filled with various flavors of potato chips than an actual trough), and I asked her point blank “What do you have to say to critics out there that think you are getting too big?” You know what she told me? And I’ll never forget her words. Kelly said,

“Nom Nom Nom *slurpy sounds* Nom Nom Nom Nom *gargle*”

Powerful stuff from a talented singer. So think about Kelly’s words the next time you start to think Kelly Clarkson is overweight.

Breaking news! Kelly Clarkson is still fat!

Celeb Jihad was first to report Kelly Clarkson was fat a few months ago. Now we are shocked to find that we are still right.

The picture above is a very recent picture of Kelly Clarkson. As you can see the singer is wandering around looking for salad dressing to pour into her “feeding bowl”. To the left an assistant hands Kelly her 2 o’clock bag of potato chips.

Many Kelly Clarkson apologists will unjustly attack me and say things that don’t make any sense like “she still looks good” and “she’s not fat”. To them I present the following before and after photo.

Now tell me Kelly hasn’t become Fattie McFatso!

Actually we have pinpointed the exact moment Kelly went from being “chunky” into full on lard ass here.

Notice how she dislocates her jaw like a python so she can swallow the hot dog faster.

It is a shame that Kelly Clarkson has gotten so fat, because she is a good singer. Now no one will listen to her music. There is nothing the American public hates more than celebrities that look like, well, average Americans.

Americans only like celebrities that make them feel inferior and physically inadequate, so they have someone to look up to and emulate. It is pretty pathetic actually.

Jessica Simpson vows to be thin again! Sure Tony Romo deserves the bulk of the credit for dumping her, but I can not help but feel that my constant ridicule of her fat ass may have a played a small part. So kudos to me!

According to a friend of Jessica, “Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back,’ She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.”

“Jess is serious about getting her body back into fighting shape,” the buddy continues. “Working out is helping to give her focus and clear her head. It’s better than sitting around moping or throwing pity parties with ice cream sundaes.”

I really don’t care how many times Jessica has to stick her finger down her throat to lose the weight just so long as she does. It is like I tell my pregnant wives, “don’t tell me about the pain just show me the baby!” Lets celebrate with some pics of what we have to look forward to. A hot thin Jessica Simpson!