Actresses Elizabeth Taylor is dead at the age of 78.
Taylor who was best known for her role as the voice of Maggie Simpson in a 1992 episode of “The Simpsons”, passed away earlier today during a routine colonoscopy.
“She died with dignity”, said Elizabeth Taylor’s physician Dr Murray Goldstein. “In all my years of scoping the colons of the elderly, I’ve had a few drop dead, but none with as much grace or class as Elizabeth. I mean she excreted very little feces and her gas was surprisingly tolerable for a dead woman.”
Elizabeth Taylor is survived by her record setting 12 ex-husbands. Services will be held on Wednesday at the Beverly Hills Funeral Home And Ice Cream Shop, on the corner of Rodeo Dr and Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles. The family asks that mourners send cash.
Breaking News: Actor Charlie Sheen, who was rushed to a hospital Thursday morning with “severe abdominal pains”, died from what doctors are calling withdrawal like symptoms at 6:46am Pacific Standard Time.
Though details are still sketchy, early word is that Charlie Sheen’s death can be attributed to severe symptoms of withdrawal. Sheen was taken to a hospital for abdominal pains, which doctors quickly determined were being caused by a hooker’s clear high heel shoe shoved into the actor’s rectum. Once the shoe was removed Charlie Sheen stabilized and appeared to be out of the woods.
However, that was obviously not the case. Doctors wanted to hold Charlie Sheen for observation against the better judgment of his manager/whore wrangler Tony Fucelli. “I told dem guys Charlie needs his fix. He’ll die if they keep him here”, said a tearful Fucelli.
After nearly 6 hours without a whore Charlie Sheen went into withdrawal and quickly slipped into a coma. Doctors were unable to revive him and have pronounced him dead.
More on this story as it develops. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Charlie’s family and the millions of hookers, porn stars, and struggling actresses that counted on him to make ends meet.
George Steinbrenner, the owner of the New York Yankees died early today from a heart attack.
According to reports the Yankees have wasted no time in looking for a replacement to take over George Steinbrenner’s position. Sources within the organization have revealed that the team is actively pursuing a number of owners to replace George Steinbrenner as head of the Yankees organization.
The criteria the Yankees are using on this owner search is not unlike what they use when choosing which free agents to sign. They are looking for an owner with a lot of flash and little substance. It would be preferred if he has not won anything of significance in his career, and if they can over pay for his services.
Some of the front runners for the job are Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and Washington Redskins head man Daniel Snyder.
Actress Brittany Murphy the star of such movies as “Clueless” and “8 Mile” died today at the age of 32.
Brittany Murphy’s mom discovered her unconscious in the shower. A 911 call was made at 8:00 AM from her Los Angeles home. When paramedics arrived, they quickly determined Murphy was in full cardiac arrest and immediately administered CPR. Brittany Murphy was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she was pronounced dead on arrival. Her time of death was listed as 10:04 AM.
Many are already beginning to speculate that drugs lead to Brittany Murphy’s death. However, when pressed for a cause of death Los Angeles County coroner Manuel Perez creepily responded “I’ll never tell” to pay homage to Brittany’s role in the hit movie “Don’t Say A Word”.
Captain Lou Albano has died. He was one of our favorite wrestlers. His Mario show sucked balls, but we still loved him. Plus, he kept the kids off drugs, as you can see from this old PSA.
So RIP Captain Lou. We hope you didn’t go to hell before you died, or after, for that matter.
DJ AM born Adam Goldstein is dead at the age of 36.
DJ AM was found dead in his New York City apartment with prescription pill bottles by his body. Obviously the cause of death has not been announced yet, but I think it is safe to assume that this is just like the movie “Final Destination”.
DJ AM escaped death in September of 2008 when a small plane he was traveling on with Travis Barker of Blink 182 crashed in South Carolina killing all on board except the two men. But unfortunately for both men death does not give up that easily. Lets wait and see how Travis Barker meets his grizzly end.
Billy Mays, the television pitchman for such products as “Kaboom!” and “OxiClean,” was pronounced dead Sunday morning. But wait there’s more! Not really though.
Authorities say Mays was found dead by his wife at his Tampa home. He was 50. Actually, he was 80, but since he died right now they took 30 years off. The family expects to have an autopsy done by Monday afternoon.
No word yet if they will be using an “Awesome Auger” to bury him, but one thing is for certain: Billy Mays is shouting at angels now.
