Good news! Based on this picture of Michael Douglas it is pretty obvious that Catherine Zeta Jones will soon be single.

Michael Douglas was recently diagnosed with throat cancer. Probably because he is part Jew and Allah wanted to punish him. Once Michael Douglas is dead (which should be any day now), Catherine Zeta Jones will finally be free to marry a strong Muslim man.

How Michael Douglas tricked Catherine Zeta Jones into marrying him has always been a mystery, but I firmly believe large amounts of opiates and death threats must have been involved.

Thankfully Michael Douglas will soon be burning in the eternal hellfire for his sinful Jewish ways. Praise be to Allah in his infinite wisdom for giving him cancer and setting Catherine Zeta Jones free. Allahu Akbar!

Dying is so hot right now. Just ask Paris Hilton. The socialite has made her career on being on the forefront of trends in Hollywood, and she has definitely picked up on the latest “IT” move.

“Death, that’s hot!” said Paris outside of Nobu yesterday. “When I heard David Carradine and Ed McMahon had I died, I thought TACKY. But after hearing about Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson’s death, I started thinking, ‘Maybe there is something to this whole death thing after all’”.

So what finally moved death from fad to fab for Paris? “It was Billy Mays dying. That’s when I knew that death was the new black.”

Paris says the details are still being worked out on how she will meet her demise, but she is going to take some tips from other celebs recent deaths. “I know I want my heart to explode. Possibly while I have a zucchini or a large rodent stuffed up my snatch. Not quite sure yet which. You’ll have to wait and see.”