Anticipating the Rapture, country music star and devout Christian Taylor Swift had her 6 month old miniature doberman named Romeo euthanized late last night.
According to a source close to Swift, she did not feel right about leaving Romeo behind with no one to take care of him when the Rapture came and she ascended to heaven, so she made the difficult decision of having him put down.
Of course the Rapture has not occurred yet, but the day is still young. Let us hope for Taylor Swift’s sake it comes soon or she is going to feel awfully silly for having her dog killed.
Wrestler Randy “Macho Man” Savage died a few hours ago when he suffered a heart attack while driving and crashed into a tree.
Savage was driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler and munching on a Slim Jim when he veered across a concrete median, through oncoming traffic, off a turnbuckle, and collided head-on with a tree.
Savage was transported to Largo Medical center, where he died from his injuries, and was stripped of his title.
Praise be to Allah for smiting this infidel bastard. Macho Man has long been an enemy of Islam and one of our great warriors The Iron Sheik as you can see in the video below. Hulk Hogan you are next!
As respected members of the media we have received an advanced copy of the Osama Bin Laden death picture that the White House will be releasing to the general public, and already we are ready to declare the picture a fake.
We had a team of Photoshop experts from Tehran University meticulously analyze this alleged Osama Bin Laden dead picture and they found it to be “riddled with discrepancies” and “frankly one of the worst Photoshop attempts” they have ever seen. Obviously the guy who did Obama’s birth certificate was on vacation, and like we reported earlier, Osama Bin Laden is still alive and well.
Hey but don’t take our word for it. The exclusive White House photo of Osama Bin Laden’s dead body is posted below. Warning even though it is a forgery this picture may be too graphic for some users. Viewer discretion is advised.
Well this is just pathetic. In a move that reeks of desperation, the United States is pretending that they have killed Osama Bin Laden.
Of course the USA is lying as they are completely incompetent and couldn’t kill their way out of a wet paper bag, let alone hunt down a righteous Jihadist like Osama. Obviously the United States has gotten so desperate that they are resorting to lying about Osama’s death in the hope that he will reveal himself to prove that he is still alive.
Sorry you silly American twits, but Osama is not going to fall for your little ruse. All Muslims know in our hearts that Osama Bin Laden is alive and well, and probably plotting his next masterful terrorist move while sexing a big pile of hot ladies. Allahu Akbar!
Actresses Elizabeth Taylor is dead at the age of 78.
Taylor who was best known for her role as the voice of Maggie Simpson in a 1992 episode of “The Simpsons”, passed away earlier today during a routine colonoscopy.
“She died with dignity”, said Elizabeth Taylor’s physician Dr Murray Goldstein. “In all my years of scoping the colons of the elderly, I’ve had a few drop dead, but none with as much grace or class as Elizabeth. I mean she excreted very little feces and her gas was surprisingly tolerable for a dead woman.”
Elizabeth Taylor is survived by her record setting 12 ex-husbands. Services will be held on Wednesday at the Beverly Hills Funeral Home And Ice Cream Shop, on the corner of Rodeo Dr and Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles. The family asks that mourners send cash.
Zsa Zsa Gabor an actress of stage, film, and television is dead at the age of 94.*
Zsa Zsa Gabor was best known for her work on that one episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” were she plays herself, and slaps Carlton Banks. Man Fresh Prince was a great show, and Carlton sure danced funny he deserved to get slapped.
Long suffering with various health problems Zsa Zsa passed away in her bed with her family near by. When questioned about the cause of her death her doctor simply replied “She was old as sh*t!”
So long Zsa Zsa Gabor you will forever be in American’s hearts… well at least for the next 24 hour news cycle or until someone more interesting dies.
*I’m busy this weekend so I figured I’d just write this now.
Breaking News: Actor Charlie Sheen, who was rushed to a hospital Thursday morning with “severe abdominal pains”, died from what doctors are calling withdrawal like symptoms at 6:46am Pacific Standard Time.
Though details are still sketchy, early word is that Charlie Sheen’s death can be attributed to severe symptoms of withdrawal. Sheen was taken to a hospital for abdominal pains, which doctors quickly determined were being caused by a hooker’s clear high heel shoe shoved into the actor’s rectum. Once the shoe was removed Charlie Sheen stabilized and appeared to be out of the woods.
However, that was obviously not the case. Doctors wanted to hold Charlie Sheen for observation against the better judgment of his manager/whore wrangler Tony Fucelli. “I told dem guys Charlie needs his fix. He’ll die if they keep him here”, said a tearful Fucelli.
After nearly 6 hours without a whore Charlie Sheen went into withdrawal and quickly slipped into a coma. Doctors were unable to revive him and have pronounced him dead.
More on this story as it develops. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Charlie’s family and the millions of hookers, porn stars, and struggling actresses that counted on him to make ends meet.
