In a bold move that all major news outlets are describing as “well-timed”, “brilliant”, and “sexy” (except for Fox News which only characterized it as “mildly genius”) President Obama called an emergency press conference out on the White House lawn to lament the death of actress Brittany Murphy, and put her untimely demise squarely on our “broken health care system”. President Obama said,

From Billy Mayes to Michael Jackson we as a nation have lost a great number of national treasures this year. Now with the passing of Brittany Murphy, I’m saying enough. The time for debate is over we must act on health care reform now… I’m here today to tell you that all these celebrity deaths could have been avoided if we had affordable health care for all Americans.

Republicans opponents counter that the President was once again being disingenuous. Sen. Al Hartford from Iowa released this statement,

For the President to say that all the celebrity deaths could have been avoided with health care reform is a gross exaggeration. I’d like to know how David Carradine would still be alive today considering he killed himself performing autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand. Even with a single payer or public option I just don’t see how that is possible.

White House Cheif of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to counter,

Under the President’s plan Mr Carradine would never have had to travel to Thailand in the first place. He would have been able to afford for a trained nurse to choke and beat him off. Provided that he filled out the necessary paperwork and got approval from a health review board of course.

The debate over health care continues to rage in Washington, while our nation’s most precious resource, celebrities, drop like flies. Let us hope that something gets done soon before we have no celebrities left.

Christmas came early for Tiger Woods this year when actress Brittany Murphy died suddenly in her LA home. Tiger and his harem of skanks who had been dominating the headlines the last couple weeks were instantly wiped off the front page as Brittany chased the dragon one to many times.

Brittany Murphy’s death looks like a clear case of drug overdose. However, we here at Celeb Jihad aren’t ruling out foul play just yet. We have to ask ourselves who would benefit the most from Brittany’s demise. The answer is most certainly Tiger Woods.

I’m no Angela Lansbury but I think the authorities should be at least questioning Woods about his whereabouts when Brittany Murphy died. Maybe they can smack him around some too, and see what he confesses too. I just find this whole thing a little to convenient for Tiger.

Feel free to make wild speculations and accusations in the comment section. It may be the only way we are going to solve this case!

Actress Brittany Murphy the star of such movies as “Clueless” and “8 Mile” died today at the age of 32.

Brittany Murphy’s mom discovered her unconscious in the shower. A 911 call was made at 8:00 AM from her Los Angeles home. When paramedics arrived, they quickly determined Murphy was in full cardiac arrest and immediately administered CPR. Brittany Murphy was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she was pronounced dead on arrival. Her time of death was listed as 10:04 AM.

Many are already beginning to speculate that drugs lead to Brittany Murphy’s death. However, when pressed for a cause of death Los Angeles County coroner Manuel Perez creepily responded “I’ll never tell” to pay homage to Brittany’s role in the hit movie “Don’t Say A Word”.

In the latest leaked tape by Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan, we learn that Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger at the time of his death.

In the 2008 tapes, Lindsay’s mom Dina tells Michael that Heath’s drug overdose devastated their daughter and “f***ed her up.” She is heard on the tape saying that,

“She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?”

Lindsay dating Heath makes perfect sense because he was trying to hit rock bottom. Not to mention this would explain the large quantities of “stank puss” found during Heath’s autopsy.

Dina went on to say that she fears Lindsay may pull a Heath of her own.

“Because when she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking.”

Luckily for the Lohan’s their little meal ticket Lindsay is not nearly talented enough to die young like Heath Ledger, James Dean, or River Phoenix. No, unfortunately Lindsay will live to be a ripe old whore.

Kanye West strikes again upstaging Patrick Swayze’s death! In a move that shocked onlookers, the hip-hop superstar interrupted the dying Swayze just as he started his goodbye speech to the world.

Kanye just could not contain himself and had to point out that though he likes Patrick Swayze’s death, Michael Jackson’s death was much better.

DJ AM born Adam Goldstein is dead at the age of 36.

DJ AM was found dead in his New York City apartment with prescription pill bottles by his body. Obviously the cause of death has not been announced yet, but I think it is safe to assume that this is just like the movie “Final Destination”.

DJ AM escaped death in September of 2008 when a small plane he was traveling on with Travis Barker of Blink 182 crashed in South Carolina killing all on board except the two men. But unfortunately for both men death does not give up that easily. Lets wait and see how Travis Barker meets his grizzly end.

Ted Kennedy the beloved murdering alcoholic from Massachusetts has died of brain cancer. Let us honor his memory with some dead Ted Kennedy jokes.

• What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Teddy Kennedy? About 2 months of decay!
• Ted Kennedy has been sober for 12 hours now.
• Ted Kennedy carries on the tradition of his brothers by dying with something lodged in his brain.
• What did Teddy tell Mary Jo when he found out she was pregnant? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
• I wonder if Ted Kennedy’s funeral will be open bar?
• Ted also had a plan to stimulate the Auto industry but his program was called “cash for kerplunkers”.
• How did people find out Ted was dead? He didn’t show up to the bar this morning.
• I’d rather go hunting with Cheney than driving with Ted Kennedy.
• Ted Kennedy never became president because unlike George Washington, he couldn’t cross a river.
• Ted is dead, its all just water under the bridge now.
• With news of Ted’s death, the Massachusetts liquor industry is now going to need a bailout.
• What’s black, white and hungry? Ted Kennedy’s cat!