LOS ANGELES – A hooker that Charlie Sheen reported stolen from his Sherman Oaks home was found overturned hundreds of feet down a nearby cliff early Sunday, but there’s no evidence anyone was in the hooker when it went into the ravine, police said.
Police got an emergency call around 4 a.m. from an OnStar-style alert system that calls emergency officials when there is a problem with the hooker that may require assistance, Officer Lisa Dolenki said. At about the same time, Sheen called police to say his 22-year-old Dominican hooker named Mercedes had been stolen.
Police and firefighters found the hooker 300 to 400 feet down a cliff, upside-down in the brushy ravine. They searched the area on foot and with an infrared-equipped helicopter but found nobody in or around the hooker.
“They’ve looked all around her hind-side. There’s nobody in the hooker, nobody around (and no) evidence of anybody being around at the moment of impact,” she said.
Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke Mueller called police on her husband Christmas morning, and claimed he had assaulted and choked her. Charlie Sheen was arrested for felony second degree assault, and spent most of Christmas day in jail.
Sources say authorities gave both Charlie and Brooke blood alcohol tests. Brooke registered a .13 while Charlie registered a .04 (which is the amount of alcohol permanently in Charlie Sheen’s system without having a drink). Brooke then recanted her story to a female officer just before Charlie’s bail hearing, telling the cop she was very drunk when she made the 911 call.
Celeb Jihad has learned that Brooke Mueller has just stumbled into the police station with tinsel stuck to her hair, and carrying an empty bottle of Goldschlager (or as she calls it “Christmas juice”) and is accusing Charlie Sheen of murder.
Brooke has let loose a string of accusations against her husband including that he is a “stupid face”, “couldn’t f*ck his way out of a paper bag”, and that he “killed Jon Benet Ramsey”. She apparently wants to press charges on all 3 counts. Police are now conducting a manhunt for Sheen who they will most likely shoot on sight.
There has been a lot of controversy surrounding my brother, Charlie Sheen’s (real name Carlos Estevez) recent article in which he conducts a fictional 20 minute interview with Barack Obama chastising him for not re-investigating 9/11.
As a sign of solidarity with my brother Charlie I have decided to write my own fictional interview with a political leader. I call it “10 Minutes With The Vice President”.
Emilio Estevez – Good afternoon Mr. Vice President, thank you so much for taking time out of your demanding schedule.
Vice President Joe Biden – My pleasure, the content of your request seemed like something I should give a crap about.
EE – I should point out that I voted for you, as your promise of reviving long dead acting careers of 80′s stars struck an emotional cord in me.
VPJB – Ahh I made no such promise Emilio, but I am a big fan of your work.
EE – Go on
VPJB – I really enjoyed the Breakfast Club that was a great film.
EE – Go on
VPJB – Ahmm… Those Mighty Ducks movies were great to watch with the kids.
EE – Go on
VPJB – I’m sorry I don’t really know what else you want me to say.
EE – Go on
*6 minute awkward pause
EE – 9/11!
VPJB – Yes what about it?
EE – NINE!
VPJB – Yes?
EE – ELEVEN!
VPJB – OK?
EE – September 11th 2001… where were you?
VPJB – I’ll actually never forget were I was on that sad day. I was on the floor of the Senate preparing to vote on a bill when
*Interupts
EE – Interesting
VPJB – Ahh yes. Anyway like I was saying. I remember Senator McCain came running up to me and
*Interupts
EE – Quack!
VPJB – I’m sorry did you just quack?
EE – No!
EE – Quack!
EE – Please continue
VPJB – Alright so Senator McCain came up to me
*Interupts
EE – Quack!
VPJB – I’m sorry I’m not going to sit here and be quacked at by some has been actor!
*2 minute awkward pause
EE – 9/11!
VPJB – OK I give up! I can’t take it anymore! Yes 9/11 was an inside job. Powerful forces in our government used Eastern European jackals to pack the support columns of the World Trade Center buildings with military grade explosive nano-thermite. They did this to justify spending hundreds of billions of dollars on 2 wars, to destroy American freedoms with the Patriot Act, and to advance their goals for a New World Order. And yes now President Obama and I are continuing the plan because we are just puppets to the global financial elite. Are you happy now!
*Vice President Joe Biden then storms out of the room
EE –
Hey folks, Charlie Sheen here. I wrote this article as a guide for you young men and women out there in relationships. You could say I’m kind of an expert on relationships since I’ve had 722 in my 40+ years of living and loving.
First lets define what a relationship is. A relationship is a partnership of 2 people who have ridiculous amounts freaky sex… I’m talking about real nasty filthy stuff… until one party (the male) grows tired of the other party (the female).
Now that we know what a relationship is let’s talk about the most important aspect of any relationship, trust. Trust comes in many forms. Trust is the safety word when things get a little too intense, trust is the filming of degrading acts for future viewing, trust is the releasing of bodily fluids on your partner’s face, I could go on and on.
Since trust is the key component to any healthy relationship you must be constantly working with your partner to develop trust, and avoid losing your partner’s trust at all costs. It has been my experience that a lot of women recklessly lose trust in their male partners. Women are constantly falsely accusing men of ruining the trust in their relationship by cheating. Really this boils down to a lack of understanding on the woman’s part.
The majority of women (my ex-wives included) are painfully uninformed about what actually constitutes cheating. So let me set the record straight once and for all on some common misconceptions about cheating.
Location: If you and your partner are in different countries, time zones, states, area codes, counties, zip codes, congressional districts, towns, school districts, or housing developments it is definitely not cheating. Also if you are banging some 20-something hottie in the pool house while your wife is taking a nap in the bedroom that is not cheating, it is just a poorly executed threesome.
Prostitution: This area has frustrated me to no end in my numerous relationships. If you pay for sex it is not cheating, it is business. Prostitution is a business transaction in which money is exchanged for a service. It is no different then when you ladies go pay for a mani-pedi. You would be perfectly with in your rights to shove one of those Vietnamese girls up your snatch, but I must warn you that, that Charlie won’t feel nearly as good as this one. Bam!
Masturbation: Jerking off on a girl is a real gray area. It is definitely not cheating if the girl is unconscious, you are drunk, or she is a relative of your wife’s visiting for the weekend. However, it is cheating if you finish in the girl’s mouth, but it is not cheating if you finish on her face and some just sort of drips into her mouth. Furthermore it is cheating if the girl scoops it up and eats it, but it is not cheating if she just rubs it into her tits.
Blowjobs: Getting a blowjob is always cheating unless the location rules stated above apply or the girl looks really hungry. You wouldn’t believe the number of half starved girls in LA I have to sustain with my man juice.
To summarize relationships are about having dirty monkey sex with a special someone. If you are ever lucky enough to find a beautiful woman who will fulfil your sickest most perverse fantasies just give her half your stuff and move on. Trust me it is quicker that way.
