As you can clearly see in the photo above, Allah in his infinite wisdom has stricken actor Matt Damon with cancer. All cancers are a punishment from Allah for past indiscretions. As proof, it is a scientific fact that no true Muslim has ever been diagnosed with cancer, for we are loved by Allah.

If I had to guess why Allah is punishing Matt Damon with cancer, it would be for making the homosexual love story “Good Will Hunting”. I can only assume that the punishment for committing such an heinous crime would be incurable nut cancer, but that has not been confirmed yet.

Matt Damon is now feeling the full force of Allah’s wrath. Though he may use the dark arts of Western medicine to avoid death for now, there is little doubt what Allah has in store for him when it is his time for his shameful Hollywood movies.

America’s sweetheart Kim Kardashian has announced that she has received the terrifying news that she has been diagnosed with malignant ass cancer.

As you can see in the photo above Kim Kardashian bravely points out the large tumorous mass on the x-ray of her ass. Doctors have told Kim, that though it is one of the largest malignant ass tumors they have encounter, it is not inoperable and they have given Kim good odds of coming through the operation cancer free.

However, Kim has rejected treatment and flatly refused to consider getting her ass tumor removed. Apparently Kim feels life just isn’t worth living if she does not have an abnormally huge ass. Kim’s sister Khloe summed up her sister’s opinion,

“Can you imagine Kim Kardashian being able to eat at ‘Waffle House’ without armed guards keeping the patrons at bay? Kim doesn’t want to live in a world like that, and I wouldn’t either!”

With her ass cancer going untreated doctors give Kim just 3 months to live, less if Islam conquers America before then. Allahu Akbar!

Good news! Based on this picture of Michael Douglas it is pretty obvious that Catherine Zeta Jones will soon be single.

Michael Douglas was recently diagnosed with throat cancer. Probably because he is part Jew and Allah wanted to punish him. Once Michael Douglas is dead (which should be any day now), Catherine Zeta Jones will finally be free to marry a strong Muslim man.

How Michael Douglas tricked Catherine Zeta Jones into marrying him has always been a mystery, but I firmly believe large amounts of opiates and death threats must have been involved.

Thankfully Michael Douglas will soon be burning in the eternal hellfire for his sinful Jewish ways. Praise be to Allah in his infinite wisdom for giving him cancer and setting Catherine Zeta Jones free. Allahu Akbar!

Hayden Panettiere the impish star of the NBC show “Heroes” was photographed yesterday wearing a t-shirt that slanders cancer’s good name.

Just because Hayden has dyed her hair red and started dressing like a golfer does not mean she has the right to wear a shirt that says “F*ck Cancer”. Last time I checked cancer was a punishment from God on the wicked. Everyone who has ever got cancer got exactly what was coming to them… divine justice in the form of uncontrolled growth cell growth, invasion, and metastasis.

I hope the American Cancer Society decides to sue Hayden Panettiere. Let us see how many fancy golf caps she can afford after the American Jew legal system gets done with her.