The big news over the weekend was that after nearly 2 years of “dating” Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have called it quits.
Of course we’d like to believe that us leaking a topless photo of Selena Gomez on Friday had something to do with the split, but we are hearing that the cause was most likely Selena cheating on Justin with former CIA head General Petraeus (who recently admitted to having an affair and resigned).
It has long been clear to us Muslims that Selena Gomez is a CIA operative who’s mission is to agitate Islam with her whorish antics, thus hastening the coming holy war with the West. So the fact that she may be involved in a sordid sex scandal with the top CIA official comes as no surprise.
US intelligence should learn that when you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas… and herpes.
It is official, Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy have broken up.
The couple started having trouble when Conor learned at recess that girls are notorious carriers of “cooties”. Rather than risk contracting this feared affliction, Conor ended things with Swift when she came to pick him up from the bus stop.
Conor was shaken up by the break up with Taylor Swift (who he affectionately referred to as “Mommy”), but after downing a juice box and watching some cartoons he seems to have moved on with his life.
Taylor Swift on the other hand will no doubt be dwelling on the relationship through poorly written song lyrics for the next few years.
Let me spell it out for you people. I’ll type s-l-o-w-l-y. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt did NOT split up and they are NOT getting a divorce.
Oh I know they said they are “separating”, but I also have a normal number of chromosomes so I know an obvious publicity stunt when I see one.
Heidi and Spencer’s show “The Hills” gets canceled. Heidi announces she is leaving Spencer, and the very next day she announces that she is getting her own “reality” show on MTV. That doesn’t set off any red flags with you people?
I would bet my collection of goat testicles that Heidi’s show ends in a “cliff hanger” of her deciding whether or not to get back with Spencer. She of course will and the producers will hope that they have a strong enough “girl drama” storyline to carry the ratings through to a 2nd season.
All you stupid Americans who believe celebrity gossip are getting played. You need to open your mind to how the system works. How do you not notice that when actresses have movies coming out that they are suddenly photographed in a bikini spread eagle on a beach or having alleged passionate love affairs with actors who also just so happen to have movies coming out?
The majority of celebrity gossip is planted bullsh*t designed to get you consumed with celebrity lives so that they can sell you crap. Celeb Jihad will continue to expose the truth until you infidels realize that your Zionist masters in Hollywood are making fools out of you, and that there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet.
There has been a lot of rumors and wild accusations surrounding the Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato break up. Frankly we here at Celeb Jihad find that sort of journalism repulsive.
That is why when we ran into a homeless man who claimed to be Joe Jonas’ real father, we knew we had to get his story on what caused the Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas break up.
According to our source (homeless papa Joe Jonas) the break up was all Demi’s idea! Apparently Demi Lovato is hell bent on conquering the world and enslaving humanity. She is building a robot army to be lead by Ronald Reagan’s ghost, and has personally anally probed Joe Jonas’ homeless father 6 times! Though he is unsure what she is looking for specifically he think it might have something to do with the baby dinosaur that lives in his small intestine.
As you can see the Joe Jonas Demi Lovato break up was entirely Demi’s fault for spending all her time building robots and plotting world domination. All those nasty rumors about Joe Jonas causing the break up are completely unfounded!
I just wish other celebrity news websites would hold themselves to our high standard, and actually do some investigative journalism to find credible sources so this type of thing never happens again.
Former comedian Jim Carrey and his girlfriend former sex symbol Jenny McCarthy are in the middle of a heated and very public break up.
It all started when Jim Carrey took to his Twitter account to blast Jenny with this vicious tweet.
Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>
I think it is pretty obvious from Jim’s tweet that he is saying that Jenny’s autistic son from her earlier marriage has been nothing but a burden on their relationship, and unless she sends him to a home they are finished.
Not one to stand idly by and take the abuse Jim just heaped on her, Jenny fired right back with this mean spirited tweet on her own Twitter account.
I’m so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.
All I can say is wow I can not believe she went there. If you read between the lines Jenny is saying that Jim is a horrible lover, and that she has been sleeping around behind his back for years. She also appears to make a thinly veiled death threat against Jim’s daughter Jane.
Let us hope both Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy take some time to cool off because this break up is getting uncomfortably nasty.
With rumors of a Brad and Angelina break up swirling, Jennifer Aniston is reportedly hiding in the couple’s bathtub with a knife, patiently waiting to strike. The expected ambush comes just hours after Aniston kidnapped a ferret belonging to Pitt’s adopted son Maddox and boiled it alive.
“Jen is still very much in love with Brad,” a sources close to Aniston claimed. “It’s Jen’s hope that these drastic measures will show him just how much she really cares.”
Experts speculate that while Aniston is waiting for the couple to arrive home, she will likely scour all of the bathroom drains in an attempt to find hairs to add to her “Brad doll.”
In yet another sign of the economic downturn, Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson the night before her 29th birthday, saving Romo from having to buy Jessica a present.
Tony Romo’s financial adviser Richard Ginsburg released this statement “I think we all know that we are in some tough economic times right now. From a financial standpoint breaking up with your girlfriend before her birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas just makes sense.”
However, our source close to the couple thinks the break up was because of more than just financial concerns. He suggests that Jessica Simpson’s recent weight gain may have played a roll, saying “Football season will be starting soon and Tony is going to have large bodies on top of him every day for the next couple months. He doesn’t need that when he gets home as well.”