After months of negotiations Joe Jonas has appeared to finally come to an agreement with Demi Lovato to be her “beard”. A beard is someone of the opposite sex who dates an obvious homosexual to help them hide the fact that they are gay.

Gay celebrities often use beards to mask their true sexual preferences *cough *cough Tom Cruise. Being a celebrity’s beard can be quite lucrative. No word yet on how much Joe Jonas stands to clear for pretending to date Demi Lovato though. Of course it is entirely possible that this is a mutually beneficial relationship in which both Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas are acting as each others’ beards a la the infamous Taylor Swift Taylor Lautner relationship.

One thing is abundantly clear though, there is absolutely no chemistry or sexual attraction between Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato. Just look at the photo above and tell me which one is the real couple?

Emma Watson has finally wised up and dumped her long time boyfriend 28-year-old financier Jew Jay Barrymore.

Emma’s split with Jay comes just days after Israel announced the expansion of settlements in the West Bank. Coincidence? I think not!

Emma Watson has obviously finally seen the truth about the Zionist cabal that is hell bent on ruling the world and enslaving humanity. She must have realized that they were just using her for her looks, and would have most certainly sacrificed her to their Gods and harvested her organs for profit.

Now Emma will no doubt want to be an obedient Muslim wife to a freedom fighting Jihadist. Of course the obvious match for her is noted terrorist Raheim Abdullah Jafer, but I could just as easily see her settling down with someone like Sheik Muhammed Karsal Muswali.

Miley Cyrus was out walking yesterday with a mysterious old man. No one knows for sure the identity of Miley’s companion but Celeb Jihad has learned that it is most likely 42-year-old Chet Herpenstein from Van Nuys, CA.

According to our sources, Chet lured Miley into his Mom’s van by asking her to help look for his lost puppy, and the two have been inseparable since. Chet’s mom Gloria Herpenstein is none to pleased about her son dating Miley though. She has been complaining to friends that she hears weird noises coming from his room down in the basement, and that the door is always locked when it never use to be in the past.

Here are the pictures of Miley Cyrus and her old man companion going for a walk together. Not pictured is Miley trying to slip a note to the photographer before being tasered and dragged back to a nearby residence.

OK this Disney f*ck fest is really getting out of hand. First it was Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez who were hooking up. Then Selena went bi and left Demi for Nick Jonas. Now it is Demi Lovato who is going bi with none other than Nick Jonas’ ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas.

Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas getting together does seem to make perfect sense. Demi gets a feminine man to make Selena jealous with, and Joe gets a masculine female to make Nick jealous with. As long as they keep the lights off and use a strap-on they could be very happy together.

However I can’t help but question if 2 latent homosexuals trying to go bi out of jealously really makes for a strong basis for a relationship. In my experience the best relationships are based on marriage contracts involving goats or an arrangement between warlords to strengthen tribal bonds. I guess I’m just old-fashioned like that.

Singer, song writer, and cocksman John Mayer has made quite a name for himself turning famously innocent female celebrities into dirty little sex pots. He allegedly introduced the joys of anal love making to the likes of Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. John Mayer also claims he will only date a girl who gives in completely to his every sexual desire.

Well old John has his sights firmly set on his next conquest, 19-year-old singer Taylor Swift. John contacted Taylor back in March to perform a duet with him. That is John Mayer code for a blowjob, but Taylor misunderstood and actually went to record a song. They have been close ever since, and were just seen getting cozy at a private table at Il Ristorante di Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica.

No doubt John Mayer has plans to violently penetrate every one of Taylor’s orifices (if he has not already done so). Taylor Swift is about to get a lesson in kinky sex from a master. I suggest she keep up on her stretches to stay limber, and maybe google a few terms like “rusty trombone“, “angry dragon“, and of course the “glass bottom boat“.

Miley Cyrus has fled the country with her 46 year old lover Norman Leerer. The couple was spotted on what appears to be the surface of the moon frolicking in the sand around the craters.

Miley, who is still just 17 years old, obviously ran off with Norman to the moon so that they could be intimate without fear of retribution from this countries oppressive age of consent laws.

A more romantic scenario I have not heard. The cocky old pervert and the young teenage skank running off to bang each others brains out is the stuff of a Shakespeare sonnet. Enjoy these pictures of true romance in action.

Audrina Patridge and Kirk Douglas are Hollywood’s newest item according to a source close to the couple. The pair was spotted on a date at the Garden of Palms Assisted Living Center Tuesday night alongside friends.

“They were at a table with friends, but Kirk and Audrina, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours,” the sources said. “They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together on Kirk’s Rascal.”

In response to this shocking pairing Audrina’s ex-boyfriend “Justin Bobby” is said to be actively pursuing Liz Taylor to, “go for a ride on his motorcycle”.