Robert Pattinson wants to teach you how to beat up dogs! “It is surprisingly easy” says the actor.
What started as a hobby for Pattinson has turned into a full grown obsession.
“Let’s be honest I’m cowardly and feeble, I don’t stand a chance in a fight with most humans. That is why I just love beating up dogs! They are so small and trusting, and they know very little about modern fighting techniques and weapons. After mopping the floor with a mangy mutt I finally feel like a big man.” said RPatz.
Now Robert Pattinson wants to share his love with the world, by teaching everyone about the joys of dog ass-kicking. And what better way to reach the people then a late night infomercial! The infomercial for Robert Pattinson’s “How To Beat Up Dogs” DVD will start airing in early November in select local markets.
“We are concentrating our marketing efforts in the suburbs of Fort Wayne, IN and Great Falls, MO, because we’ve heard that they have some real sass-mouthed canines there that need to be put in their place. But we hope to expand to larger markets like Baton Rogue and Sacramento by Christmas time.”
The Twilight star concluded by saying, “Don’t take guff from dogs like a chump. Buy my DVD today!”
Girls Gone Wild founder and tremendous douchebag Joe Francis took hitting on the ladies to the next level last night when he beat up fellow douchebag Brody Jenner’s girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole.
According to Jayde Nicole, Francis was hitting on and harassing one of her girl friends so she did what any sane person would do, she threw her drink in his face. That’s when Joe punched Jayde in the face, threw her to the ground by her hair, and kicked her in the ribs. Apparently Jayde’s friend tried to come to her defense and she got punched too.
Joe Francis then fleed from the club. Brody claims to have chased him, but was tasered by some mystery person (yeah right wuss).
Being the man that Brody is though he didn’t let the tasing stop him from talking smack on Twitter about the incident saying, “Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him. How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of sh*t. Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!”
Notice the extra exclamation points at the end he obviously means business!!!
Police are looking for Joe Francis to question him about the assault. Hopefully they can find him before he hangs himself in a hotel room in Canada.
