Natalie Portman has a gay bastard child in the oven. Apparently, the wretched Zionist was not content with spreading lesbian propaganda via her films, and decided the best course of action was conceiving a child out of wedlock. As the Hadith teaches us, conceiving out of wedlock all but assures the child will be born a homosexual. As if to leave nothing to chance, the father of the child is a French ballet dancer.
As you’ll remember, Natalie started her acting career later in life at the age of thirteen. I can’t help but wonder what might have happened if she would have spent her pre-teen years landing a husband instead of looking for acting gigs. Perhaps she could have avoided the sinful path she is currently on. To be honest, her clan’s elders are equally at fault. I hope they will do the right thing by selling the child into slavery and stoning Natalie in the town square.
The preceding note was from my client and CelebJihad.com founder, Jibril “Jimmy” Jihad, who is currently being interrogated at a secret CIA facility somewhere in Eastern Europe.
Marty Platinum
J.D. Candidate
The Oxnard School of Law and Therapeutic Massage
Justin Bieber’s music has long been criticized for being too “simplistic” and “just plain awful”. Music executives are starting to take notice as it appears they are now targeting Justin Bieber’s music towards those who can not voice their objections to it, namely babies.
Stores across the country are already starting to restock Justin Bieber’s CDs in their “Music For Babies” section. There are also rumors that Justin Bieber will be making a guest appearance on the hit Nick Jr show Moose and Zee to help promote his new album.
Frankly, I find it deplorable that Justin Bieber would try to peddle his horrible music to defenseless babies. As the most vulnerable members of society, babies should be protected from this type of audio abuse that is about to heaped on them by Justin Bieber and the Zionist controlled music industry.
James Van Der Beek and his girlfriend, Kimberly Brook, are expecting a bastard child this fall, CelebJihad has confirmed.
The 33-year-old actor confirmed the putrid abomination against Allah on his Twitter. “Yes, it’s true – the woman I love and I are expecting our first child,” he defiantly wrote, mocking sharia law. “Experiencing joy on levels I never knew existed.”
Well, enjoy it while you can, because someday you will burn in hell for this sin, experiencing pain on levels you never knew existed.
I have not been this disgusted in a long time. It’s bad enough that the two have been fornicating out of wedlock, but to actually brag about such a sin on Twitter is beyond reprehensible.
While James is somewhat at fault, clearly Kimberly is to blame. If she had been at home wearing a burqa under the protection of her male relatives this never would have happened. Does James really want the mother of his child to be a woman who parades her naked face and arms around town like a whore?
In any case, it’s only a mater of time before Kimberly’s brothers and cousins try to stone her to death for the shame she has brought to their clan. This will not end well.
Is Selena Gomez pregnant? While we can’t be certain, this picture from the set of her new movie, I’ll Spit On Your Corpse While I Piss On Your Grave IV, seems to show a noticeable baby bump.
Has Selena been running around with a man behind her girlfriend Taylor Swift‘s back, or have the two of them decided to have a child together with donated sperm? Or, perhaps Selena has just put on some weight? Only time will tell.
Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…
1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.
2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.
3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.
4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.
5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.
6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.
7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.
8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.
9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.
10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.
11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.
12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”
13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.
14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.
15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.
Special Thanks to Eric Filipkowski and Sam Mechling
Reality T.V. star Kourtney Kardashian is tired of being a parent and is looking to find her son Mason a loving home. The star is offering to sell the child to a loving family for $5,000.
“I’m just not cut out for this,” said Kardashian. “We’re both better off parting ways.”
The final straw for Kardashian came when she accidentally left Mason in the refrigerator while she was grabbing a bottle of Thunderbird.
“I put him down in the fridge for just one sec so I could grab a bottle of delicious Thunderbird, and I forgot all about it,” said Kardashian. “Two minutes later when I opened the fridge to grab another bottle it was crying like crazy and it scared the crap out of me. That’s when I decided he had to go.”
While many will be quick to judge Kardashian for selling her baby, she insists that it’s not about the money.
“I’m not looking to make profit, I just don’t want to take a loss on this kid,” she said, noting that potential buyers would have to undergo a background check.
“I mean a healthy white baby for only $5,000? That’s at least $10,000 under market value.”
Mason Dash Disick, the newborn son of Kourtney Kardashian, was accused of using a weapon during a domestic violence incident that led to his arrest last week, police say.
Calabasas police spokesman Richard Burner did not specify what weapon Disick was accused of using, the Associated Press reports. Disick, who was born last month, spent part of the weekend in jail after he was arrested on charges of second degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief. Menacing involves using a weapon.
The arrest comes less than a month after Disick checked into rehab after crashing his car outside a Los Angeles strip club. The identity of Disick’s accuser has not been released, but is rumored to be his live-in girlfriend and former reality-TV star Daisy de la Hoya.
Disick was released Sunday evening after posting $8,500 bond. He is due in court Feb. 10.
