Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…
1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.
2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.
3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.
4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.
5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.
6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.
7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.
8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.
9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.
10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.
11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.
12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”
13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.
14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.
15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.
Special Thanks to Eric Filipkowski and Sam Mechling
Reality T.V. star Kourtney Kardashian is tired of being a parent and is looking to find her son Mason a loving home. The star is offering to sell the child to a loving family for $5,000.
“I’m just not cut out for this,” said Kardashian. “We’re both better off parting ways.”
The final straw for Kardashian came when she accidentally left Mason in the refrigerator while she was grabbing a bottle of Thunderbird.
“I put him down in the fridge for just one sec so I could grab a bottle of delicious Thunderbird, and I forgot all about it,” said Kardashian. “Two minutes later when I opened the fridge to grab another bottle it was crying like crazy and it scared the crap out of me. That’s when I decided he had to go.”
While many will be quick to judge Kardashian for selling her baby, she insists that it’s not about the money.
“I’m not looking to make profit, I just don’t want to take a loss on this kid,” she said, noting that potential buyers would have to undergo a background check.
“I mean a healthy white baby for only $5,000? That’s at least $10,000 under market value.”
Mason Dash Disick, the newborn son of Kourtney Kardashian, was accused of using a weapon during a domestic violence incident that led to his arrest last week, police say.
Calabasas police spokesman Richard Burner did not specify what weapon Disick was accused of using, the Associated Press reports. Disick, who was born last month, spent part of the weekend in jail after he was arrested on charges of second degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief. Menacing involves using a weapon.
The arrest comes less than a month after Disick checked into rehab after crashing his car outside a Los Angeles strip club. The identity of Disick’s accuser has not been released, but is rumored to be his live-in girlfriend and former reality-TV star Daisy de la Hoya.
Disick was released Sunday evening after posting $8,500 bond. He is due in court Feb. 10.
Kourtney Kardashian’s newborn baby, Mason Dash Disick, has checked into rehab. The announcement came just one day after Disick was born and only a few hours after he was cited for driving under the influence and cocaine possession.
On Tuesday morning at around 5:30 a.m., Disick crashed his 2009 Mercedes SL-65 convertible into a curb and shrub outside of a Los Angeles strip club. Disick, who had left the scene by the time police arrived, was hospitalized for minor injuries. Two passengers were not hurt. Later that day, Disick voluntarily checked into the Wonderland Drug and Alcohol Treatment Facility.
“Mason admitted himself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility,” a publicist for the Kardashian family said in a statement Tuesday.
“Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Mason as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility.”
This is the second time this year that the 2-day-old has been in a treatment facility. In August, the then unnamed fetus checked itself into an outpatient rehab center in Malibu for an addiction to prescription painkillers.
Mel Gibson and his fiancée Oksana Grigorieva welcomed a new daughter into the world on Friday.
Eva Braun Gibson is said to be resting comfortably despite being a few weeks premature.
This is couple’s first child together, but it is Gibson’s eighth child overall, adding him to the ever growing list of Octodads. Gibson has six sons from his first marriage (Heinrich, Hermann, Wagner, Lindbergh, Ford, and Treblinka), and one daughter (Leni Riefenstahl Gibson).
Gibson, who starred in such films as Braveheart and What Women Want, is rumored to be in talks for a role in yet another Mad Max film.
Mad Max: Revenge of the Lecherous Moneylenders, is scheduled to begin filming next year in Australia.
A mandatory evacuation order is now in effect for anything living in the vicinity of Kendra Wilkinson vagina, officials announced on Wednesday.
The order, which was given due to the impending birth of Kendra’s child, is expected to affect more than 50 billion viral and bacterial residents of the vagina and countless other parasitic insects in the surrounding area.
“Anything that stays in that vagina is dead,” said a federal health official who wished to remain nameless. “When that baby hits, the whole area is going to be torn to smithereens.”
Previously, Kendra’s vagina was considered one of America’s pristine wetlands. But years of drilling and overuse have left it in shambles. It is feared that this birth may damage the vagina beyond repair, rendering the entire area worthless.
Despite his wealth and power, there’s still one thing that money can’t buy for Elton John: a Ukrainian AIDS baby. In fact, it would be much easier for Sir Elton to go out and get AIDS than it would be for him to adopt an AIDS infected child.
John (pictured left) and his gay lover, David Furnish (pictured right), will not be allowed to adopt because Ukrainian law prohibits unmarried couples from doing so. Also, the age limit for prospective adoptive parents is 42. John is 65. The fact that Elton John is an asshole did not factor into the decision.
I for one applaud the Ukrainian government’s decision. First off, AIDS babies are a valuable natural resource which the Ukraine is wise to protect. Secondly, the Qur’an strictly forbids gay pop stars from adopting AIDS babies, and for good reason. Just think of the decadent life-saving drugs those rich sodomites might try to give the child. The boy is much better off in a Ukrainian orphanage eating gruel and slowly losing his immune system.
